School gate hell!!

[Popcornlassie28]

Hi everyone,

Sorry for such a whining post but I wanted to know if anyone else feels the way I do and how they have tackled it.

My daughter is in Reception at school and she moved in December to her new school- so really early into the year.

None of the other Mum’s talk to me or even say ‘Hello’. I’m the only parent who stands alone while others all stand in their groups. I’ve tried with quite a few Mum’s but get often got a cold response so I have given up trying. I used to make an effort to say ‘Good morning’ etc and met with gritted teeth faces. I felt humiliated.

During school holidays, a lot of the Mum’s have ‘play dates’ which my daughter has never been invited to and when she goes back to school asks me why she wasn’t invited.

Please say I’m not the only one! I know it’s petty but I’ve cried over this and it’s really effected my self esteem. I don’t know what I have done so wrong to these women!!

I dread drop offs and pick ups to the point I have to mentally prepare myself to be stood alone and being stared at. :(

Be grateful you’re not involved. In my experience people at the school gates can only talk about kids and houses. One big bore. Just keep to yourself. You’re missing nothing I promise you

Oh and to help with the boredom, headphones and listen to music, podcasts or whatever interests you.

Also helps with anxiety as it gives you something else to concentrate on. I have deliberating anxiety and when I do go out, I don’t leave home without the headphones

I haven’t read through the comments , only yours op.

From one school Mum to another: this is early days. Your child is in reception and you have another seven years to go of this. In the nicest possible way; you need to be thick skinned and remember why you are there: to pick up your child.

I loathe the majority of fellow school Mums and always have hated the ‘ clique’.
Why would you want to be a part of that? These people aren’t your friends. They are just other women who happened to have had a child the same time as you. As harsh as that sounds.

I have very few friends that I have made at the school gates and I am happy with that. They’re my friends. And they won’t be nasty and ignore me , or talk about me behind my back. Who on earth would subject themselves to that bullshit.

Genuine people will talk to you. There are 29 other mothers there and I am sure that give it time , you will get to know a few of them.

Just try and chill op. It’ll all work out.

There will be other mums like you, you just have to find them.

Get on the PTA or volunteer in class, keep talking to people at drop off/pick up, notice the mums who drop and run (or come late to avoid people) - once you've found a few likely candidates, invite their kids for play dates.

It won't be personal and I doubt anyone intentionally ignored you unless you give off serial killer vibes. They're just preoccupied with their own staff, busy, already have friends. Some of them went through the same struggle as you and are just happy they know a couple of people now.

But in your old school you were friends with people because you’d known them as the kids were in nursery, how do you know there weren’t people at the gate feeling the same? You’ve moved schools and mum/parent groups are already established, especially if a lot of them have older siblings they could have been friends for years.

Invite someone for a play date and get the ball rolling from your side, even if you find that difficult.

This isn't hell, it's boring, cliquey women with too much time on their hands and playdates (would you really want to have to endure spending time with them if that's what they're like). Your kid if 5 - she will find her own friends in time and will have plenty of time for socialising without you having to suffer!

If you look people in the eye, smile and say hello consistently people will get familiar with you and eventually start smiling back. If you keep your head down and wait for people to address you, you are probably sending off leave me alone vibes. I've been smiley and saying hello to people at the school gates now and this year I have properly met several people who have remarked on how they recognise me and enjoy my greetings.

Ignoring a parent who you see often and turning your back on them when they say good morning, is a kind of bullying, it's excluding behaviour.
Happened at the school my youngest went to from years 4 through 6 and I hated it. Dh did most of the drops and pick ups as I worked long hours.
I was so relieved when she finished school and went to high school I cried. She had spent one term at the high school already before the end of year six immersion program and she was a different kid, so happy, and I didn't have to go near the school gate Moms every again.

I don't like the cliques with school mums either- feels like an extension of the popularity context at school. I'm socially awkward and there I feel still the same shy geek I was at as child!
There's one woman who just never seems to take me on, I've tried saying hello to her and smiling but no response. She also didn't invite DD to her kids party but almost all others from class were invited.
My advice is to talk to the dads! I've met some friendlier dads on the school run. And it takes a little while but you'll soon notice the quieter less popular mums and start saying hello to them.
If all else fails don't worry about it. You don't need to make friends for life on the school run. Just be pleasant, open and civil.

Is it just me that does the school run and hopes no one speaks to me? 😂

Jokes aside, please don't get upset by this. Maybe invite some kids for a few play dates over the summer holidays? Maybe you can get to know the parents that way?

Will the school split the classes next year so maybe there will be new parents you can meet?

@Popcornlassie28

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this. I went through something similar when we moved to the UK from a different country and remember how hard it was. My advice for what it's worth is to paste a big smile on and volunteer for something (even if you really don't want to) and be patient. Truthfully, some schools and some year groups are friendlier and less cliquey than others - my kids were in two different schools and one ended up being very welcoming, one less so, but I did still make friends there. If you volunteer for stuff, you'll also meet parents from other years groups.

Mine is leaving primary school in a matter of weeks. She's been to three schools and I've never stood and spoke to any parents. I stand at the back, turn up last minute so I'm in and out and now she's older she comes out the gates gets in the car... even better👌🏽I avoid it like the plague.

I don't know why MNers always say "they've no obligation to be friends with you".

No, of course not.

But being rude, gritted teeth and ignoring someone is rather more than simply not being friends.

Being civil is different and should be normal, unless someone is being a tenacious nuisance and you don't want to engage (eg man hassling woman on train).

Drop off on the bell and pick up on the bell. You don't want to be involved with these people, trust me.

weeks. She's been to three schools and I've never stood and spoke to any parents. I stand at the back, turn up last minute so I'm in and out and now she's older she comes out the gates gets in the car... even better👌🏽I avoid it like the plague.

@onecarrot I've got a school mum friend, she has 3 children, her youngest being the same age as my oldest. In fairness she lives very close to the school but will drop off and pick up with minuets to spare, in and out, avoids any drama, everyone has been and gone by then. She passed her knowledge and experience on to me 😂 I now do this.

Me too. I’m there to drop off and pick up my kids and that is it. I have 3 boys and I made the mistake of being friends with parents when my eldest first went to school and then the whole group of friends fell out and it made the parent friendship circle awkward as everyone blamed everyone else’s child for the fall out. And I promised myself I’d never get that friendly with parents again. And 10 years later I haven’t. I still have 4 years of primary to go but I won’t change now. The cliques can clique for all I care. I’m happy to have zero contact with other parents. Im only there for my kids, not to entertain other parents where the only thing we have in common is that we had sex around the same time and conceived.

Really stop giving it head space. They have their friends groups. Probably live near each other. It's not personal. They are not obliged to be friends with you or any one else. I also have no clique I belong to. Just an odd chat. There are more people standing singly than in groups.

Sorry some aren't friendly

Keep saying hi. Or on a Monday how was your weekend - on a Friday any plans for the weekend

Who does your child play with ?

Invite some kids back for play dates

Is there a class wats app group - put a thing on there saying going to park on Fridays after school - maybe some will go

I may be antisocial but I can't think of anything worse than chatting to parents at the school gate. I used to wear my headphones to stop it, because there was always that one Mum who seemed oblivious to the fact not everyone wanted to be her friend. I just want to throw my kid through the gates (not literally......most of the time) and get to work to get on with my day.

@Popcornlassie28 What do the mothers say when you invite your child's friends for play dates at your house?

I completely agree. Sorry you are going through this op.
I wouldn’t make the effort with them anymore if they continually group ignore you. My advice would be to widen your net & say hello to any mum or dad in any year group - they may be more welcoming, I have found over the years with my children’s classes is that some parents as a whole class are friendly and some really aren’t, it’s luck of the draw, it seems you have been unlucky with the class your child is in. Also if you really dread the drop off & pick up get there a bit later. Good luck.

I had this when my child moved schools. Tried hard to a point for the social element for my child more not for my own benefit.

Big failure. Parent group were a clique from start of Year r and they weren't inviting anyone in or even making a gap.

Social for my child resolved itself and they get party invitations etc.

Small talk when needed with party host but otherwise CBA and it's a relief.

Not that it makes it any better but they are probably already in pre-established groups. For instance, when my kids went to school, there was always the crowd whose children went to school from the same nursery so they had known each other well after 3 years at that point. I know as each of mine went through, we would form a group of parents where we knew each other from older siblings being friends together etc. So, even at Reception age, the different groups of mums may have known each other for several years and at that point it’s pretty much a ‘closed group’ as no one can be arsed to take the effort to get to know someone new as sad as that is.

Don’t worry, OP. I had similar when youngest started Reception. I recognised two mums and smiled and said Hello and they completely ignored me! It niggled away at me, but now we talk and they’re perfectly friendly. I honestly think some people are on auto-pilot so only respond to ‘expected’ hellos. They might not have realised who you are, or might have thought you were talking to someone else, or simply been busy thinking about their jobs. I’ve unintentionally blanked people before when my mind’s been full of the day’s jobs. Don’t dwell on it.

To get talking to people, I found arriving early was good. I did that a few times and recognised a mum from my DC’s class. Because we were the only two waiting, we talked. The first day I just smiled and acknowledged her, but the second day I plucked up courage to speak. We had a brief conversation before the other mums arrived, and then day by day our conversations became longer and more natural. This mum already talked to some other mums so when they arrived, I stayed in the group and nodded and smiled, gradually picking up who was who, etc. Those mums then started to talk to me.

TLDR - it takes time; it’s not you; they’re probably not intentionally blanking you.

Invite some children from the class for play dates. That’s another good way to meet the mums.

Any chance you can do a full class birthday party so your invites have your number and you have a reason to speak to the parents to check if coming, allergies etc?

I'm not saying you should have to, but I think it helps if you can casually text. Or if no birthdays are coming up soon maybe a little letter via the teacher to your child's best bud suggesting they go park together some time with your number?

It might mean you get talking to at least one mum :)