School gate hell!!

[Popcornlassie28]

Hi everyone,

Sorry for such a whining post but I wanted to know if anyone else feels the way I do and how they have tackled it.

My daughter is in Reception at school and she moved in December to her new school- so really early into the year.

None of the other Mum’s talk to me or even say ‘Hello’. I’m the only parent who stands alone while others all stand in their groups. I’ve tried with quite a few Mum’s but get often got a cold response so I have given up trying. I used to make an effort to say ‘Good morning’ etc and met with gritted teeth faces. I felt humiliated.

During school holidays, a lot of the Mum’s have ‘play dates’ which my daughter has never been invited to and when she goes back to school asks me why she wasn’t invited.

Please say I’m not the only one! I know it’s petty but I’ve cried over this and it’s really effected my self esteem. I don’t know what I have done so wrong to these women!!

I dread drop offs and pick ups to the point I have to mentally prepare myself to be stood alone and being stared at. :(

Just coming to the end of year 1 and I find the school gate hard despite being v sociable in other areas of my life! I can't explain why I find it so pressured. However I've decided to just let it go as my life is otherwise full and happy. Maybe things will improve the longer everyone is together?

"I’m really outgoing normally but somehow feel social anxiety much more acutely around the school mums, even though they are all lovely."

I feel the same @Bingbangbongbash ! Why is this?

Some of them just enjoy the small amount of power it gives them. These are the ones I find who try and control and manage their children’s friendships. The worst one in DDs year (who would speak to me if she was being nosy) who didn’t want her and my DD to have play dates because she was weird about me and DH having more money than them I think.
Anyway I hear her DD is struggling with friendships in secondary, now mummy can’t organise this for her.

I always found grandmothers more chatty/normal than mums.

Have you invited any of her friends over for a playdate? It's more likely that they have just already establised friendship groups, probably nothing personal.

I feel like it's such luck of the draw op. The majority of mums (and dads) at our school gate are friendly/or give a smile/say hello/or chat. There's a small handful who refuse to engage at all and that's fine. It's not personal. For whatever reason they don't want to. I used to say hi to one of them at the start of R this year but I started to notice after a while that she never made any effort in return so I have since stopped and she doesn't acknowledge me and that's completely fine.

We moved here when my son was in pre school and the mums there were absolutely awful. So so rude. He's now at reception at a different school across the road and it couldn't be more different. I do all drop offs and pick ups as I'm a SAHM and over time have managed to make a group of friends with a handful of other reception mums and their partners. Our kids don't even all play together but it can happen op if that's what you want. I'm super social and was hoping to make a group of friends through school as we were new to the area. We're up north though, don't know if that makes a difference haha. Although half of us are from south.... Anyway, we do play dates with the kids and partners, plus evenings out at weekends here and there. To some mums, this would be their worst nightmare. There are always going to be those who arrive just to drop off/pick up then shoot off and never speak to anyone and never have any intention of doing so. Not everyone is looking to make friends through the school gate.

I massively put myself out there at the start of the year and got lucky, the mums were keen to make friends too. Sometimes you can try and get nowhere in return. Massively disheartening and a kick to the self esteem. Keep trying op. Keep a look out for the new kid in the school, because perhaps their mum could really do with someone chatting to them.

Grandmas and childminders

I've got three kids and honestly, most school gate friendships are acquaintance ships at best - just someone to pass the time with for 5-10 minutes 5 days a week. Most who seem very close have grown up in the area together or are neighbours or something.

Having said that, they are good to have. If you haven't made any overtures in a while, I'd suggest going up to the mum or dad you think looks most approachable and feign having lost the latest newsletter and ask if they remember when sports day is or something like that "oh god it's so hard to keep track" and try to segue into whose mum you are/small talk.

Newsletter confusion is the school gate equivalent of asking the stranger in the bus shelter if the 12.00 bus has gone yet, they're not allowed to find it weird and should try to help.

I actually kept mine in after school clubs even though I didn't need to anymore to avoid other parents a few days a week when she wasn't old enough to walk out the school gates. 😂

Having been at a school where there are mum friend groups to moving my kid to one where I’ve known no-one… I can tell you now how much happier I am not to know anyone and I have prayed no one speaks to me either 😂

OP you’ve won. Find friends in a setting where you will have interests in common, rather than one where your kids attend the same school ykwim?

They probably all know each hence not making an effort with you.

Found similar with DC1s year group. DC2s much friendlier.

Second the suggestion of volunteering. That helped a lot.

OP I feel the same and mine is in Year 5!

What's worse is that the whole class of mums and dads were once really good friends. It's a small class and everyone had mass play dates and days at the park together.

Now? People barely talk. It's so sad. I'm counting down until they move up to secondary school.

I think Covid played a big part in it. But also one parent in particular is such a drama llama and clearly hates children so it seems like we've all parted ways to avoid them.

Such a shame :( it makes me feel quite sad tbh.

I totally feel this. I'm tempted to move schools too 😂 sounds blissful

I suspect that some of them have gone through what you’re going through at some point, & are therefore putting you through the same. Personally I wouldn’t want to be involved in school playground behavior. Have a chat on the phone with an imaginary friend, whilst eyeing them up & saying what a vile bitch … is.

Woah! That is a really harsh thing to say.

This poster is feeling glum enough about being left out to post on a forum and you blame it on her natural shit friend vibes..?!

It IS thoughtless (not bullying, I’ll grant) but thoughtless, bordering on rude, to completely ignore just one parent at pick
up. You don’t talk to other parents at the school gate because they are giving out “I’d make a great friend” vibes (unless you are desperately trying to make new friends and think it best only to accumulate ones whom you consider to be ‘your type’). You talk to people out of politeness, to make the time go faster and perhaps on the odd occasion, to hear some school based intel! To ignore one mum is rude.

ive Had this. I coped by managing the time so getting there after the gates opened and on the later side of pickup (not late). That way you breeze in and breeze out.
I really tried. Once I offered to help someone who was having a nightmare (I could help them through work) and the group physically turned away from me.

steal yourself for events and plays. That’s fucking hard. I didn’t have anyone to go with and it was shit, but you have to get on with it for the kids don’t you. If you’ve a relative or friend or partner around definitely get them to come

juniors was better as I made a few mum friends who were on the pta by helping at scouts and guides. It was so much better then. I remember it well. Good luck. It will get easier

If you want to get to know them, get to know them. Talk to them. Don't just say 'hi' and expect them to be responsible for the rest of the conversation. Go over and have a chat. Speak to them at parties. Don't wait for an invite from them to a playdate. Invite some of the children in your DD's class over for playdates. Don't expect other people to make all the effort.

I don't have this problem at the school gate. I go and stand there and speak to the people near me, pick my children up and go home.

I've been there op. Sometimes it is just luck. I always got on with other class parents with my eldest DC. My youngest was in a class with the cliquiest parents ever. They were a horror show. I'm a nice, normal, generally confident person and they made me feel like total shit. So pleased those days are over and my DD is in secondary.

You’re not alone. I never found it a problem with my teens at primary, but it breaks my heart with my youngest (4)…she had multiple diagnoses, physical and developmental, but is a true gentle joy yet none of the Gate Mums ever include us in park visits etc. They ignore us at youth club each week too. I know she can’t play in the same way as the other children but she can in her way!
All I can advise is keep being polite, dynamics may change next year, otherwise just wear obvious headphones and listen to some cheerful music and sod the lot of them.

It may not be anyone’s fault. I have healthy self-esteem and have never struggled with friendships, but one place where we lived from when DS was a baby till he was 7 just didn’t work for me in terms of friendships. It was as you describe, a place without much mobility, most of the parents of DS’s classmates had gone to the same village primary, had stayed local and married other locals, and a foreign family with no local ties like us was vanishingly rare, even though we issued a lot of invitations, got involved in local stuff, volunteered. I made my friends at work, but did feel like a leper when I did school drop offs and pick-ups. I did host a lot of play dates and DS had plenty of friends. We just moved away in the end.

Their kids play with kids of mum's friends, not friends of own choosing. Find some comfort in that those mum engineered friendships, at the cost of actual kids friendships, do little for their kids self esteem and social skills.
They are control freak bullies, to their kids as well.

I suppose there are 2 possibilities:

1. They are mean bullies and genuinely horrible people in which case you’re not missing out by not mingling with them.
2. The people in individual groups know each other from before?

I’m an introvert and absolutely hate these situations. Not sure if your school organizes some events where you could perhaps meet and chat with everyone in a bit more natural way? Birthday parties - if you invite the whole class, it will perhaps be easier to get to know the kids parents? (organizing ours and attending other kids parties worked great for us, although we’re still just preschool age to be fair) Is your DD friends with someone in particular, maybe you can be proactive and invite them for a playdate?

It was hell when ds started at primary school, there was a massive clique of mums who all thought they were better than anyone else. I was totally ignored but knew they were all talking about me, especially after I split from ds dad. One of the mums actually got involved with the court case for my divorce & even turned up at court to"support" him, despite a warning from the judge all the personal information of the case was round the playground the morning after. It was the happiest day of my life the day he left to go to secondary school.

I said hello to people I knew I was there to collect and drop off a child so sure I was civil and changed if if happened I was not at a party it was for reason so I got on with that reason

No I did not have the inclination nor time to deliberately ignore people and I do wonder what on earth is going on in people's heads to think people actually do this with intent, surely the people who come up with the 'they are being meanies' may need to realise other people have things in their lives that may not be anything to do with you