I really like this guy but he isn’t attractive

[taylga]

Long story short, I’ve been speaking to this particular guy that I used to work with a lot more recently, and I feel like things could be taken to the next level soon. We get along really well, and he has an amazing personality. He's caring and kind, makes me feel good about myself, but I’m just physically not attracted to him at all. He’s not my normal type, and if I hadn’t worked with him before, I don’t think I would have ever spoken to him outside of work. The thing is, I can’t stop thinking about him, and I'm imagining a future with him. I’ve spoken to a few friends and work colleagues about him, and they all think I’m mad. I try to tell them about his personality, and they normally just laugh at me and don’t take me seriously.

I just wanted some opinions from you all. Can a relationship work if you’re not physically attracted to the other person?

I hope I'm not coming across as a stuck up b! I'm no supermodel either.

You said in your OP that you feel like things could be taken to the next level but then say there's no attraction there? Which is it?

You seem to think what your colleagues think about him is more important which is a bit sad really

Is there a physical trait that really puts you off, or are you just not blown away by his looks?
If you can't stop thinking about this guy, there must be something there chemistry-wise, unless (and I'm not being mean) you're just enjoying the ego boost of his attention after going a while without much.

I'd stop talking to those people about him though, they sound horrible, and being laughed at for liking this man will not help you work out how you actually feel. Also, if it became serious, you'd feel pretty guilty sitting round letting your BF be talked about badly.

I would agree with this. My usual type is tall, skinny with a bit of a big nose (don't ask me why haha). My husband is 5 foot 6, chubby with a stubby nose and I did not find him physically attractive when we met. It was all about the personality. But I've never found him actually repulsive - I think therein lies the difference!

Oh good lord I could put up with a small penis but not little hands 😆

Still makes me queasy when I think about these child like hands...think mine were slightly bigger and I'm tiny!

Some people are lucky. They can demand everything they want in a person. Others less so, and if they focus only on one part of the package, they might well be extremely disappointed in what they get in the other areas.

It seems like you like this guy so why not take it forwards and see what happens. What do you you have to lose ? You can stop any time you get a degree of certainty as to how you feel about this person. If you are worried about hurting someones feelings you can always be clear to them how you feel, and that if they want to proceed then it's at their own risk.

Make good choices.

Looks change (high school heartthrobs go bald and grow a belly, and wimpy kids fix their teeth and ditch the glasses) and personalities don't. Call is yours.

I don't tend to find people physically attractive, I don't know why but it's not a thing for me. I do however find kindness and decency attractive. I've always preferred peoples personalities over their looks for that's what makes them attractive. Looks just aren't it.

I’ve spoken to a few friends and work colleagues about him, and they all think I’m mad. I try to tell them about his personality, and they normally just laugh at me
Why are they laughing? Sounds very mean girls, laughing at the ugly bloke who couldn’t possibly be a nice person. Which makes you all a bit ugly too tbh. Looks fade, as many women ditched for a younger model on here can attest to.

Probably a good idea to try before you buy.

I think it can work, assuming that the lack of what you find physically attractive is not accompanied by things such as poor personal hygiene.

Colleagues sound awful. Why is it funny to adults that someone should be found desirable even if they're not a pin up? Don't listen to them. And please don't discuss this with them further. He sounds like a nice man and he doesn't deserve to be cackled about.

What is it you don't find attractive? He's a bit scruffy, has one feature that puts you off, just the opposite to your usual type? Sorry to say but I wouldn't consider a very short, slight man (own issues about size from childhood etc), but couldn't care less about classical good looks, hair loss, colouring or build. I was very frank with one 'maybe' whose presentation, dress, and hygiene were terrible (money and MH not an issue, just bad habits from his upbringing). He chose not to listen but I had given him a chance. Another lovely but very geeky guy looked like a young bespectacled Elvis after a good haircut and encouragement to lose the 'if found return to pub' shirt. Point is, depending on what is not attractive, maybe you can work out whether you can see past it.

How do you think you would you feel if you were on a date and this man went in to kiss you at the end? That was the decider for me. If I felt icky and wanted to make excuses then no. Maybe or yes then consider giving things a chance. Chemistry is quite rare and really not based on looks. Not fair to string him along if you're really not attracted but I wouldn't write this one off just yet

Heh. As my OH says, “you should always go to the end of the counter before you make your purchase.”

I look at this quite brutally, that there are very few people over the age of 40 (to me) I'd say are good looking... and going by MN, sexual desire appears to crash then too, judging by the frequency of posts.

So if attraction is gone, and sexual desire plummets, the only real foundations you have for any relationship are personality, sense of humour, trust, security etc.

So basically, who cares what physical attraction there is... later in the relationship, this will be gone anyway so as long as he ticks all those other boxes, you're set!

Hahaha, I felt like this, I just did not fancy my DH at all, I thought he was not in any way good looking but he is a wonderful kind man, and twinkly Irish eyes, and great hands, when he touched me, I just melted. I loved his personality and just went along with things to see where they ended up, we have now been together for over 37 years and I love him more than anything. He is funny and kind and makes me laugh so much he is my rock and I would be lost without him so yes I would say give it a go, love can grow.

Can you imagine having a kissing session with him ?
if your reaction is ...er no ..... there's your answer.

I remember Flambards! And, around the same time, Three Nuts For Cinderella? That was proper kids tv wasn’t it?!

Flambards - wasn’t that quite horsey? I read the book(s?) and watched the telly programme.

When I met my DH I didn't feel an instant attraction but there was definitely something there.
He was funny, kind, and genuine- no pissing about playing games, we talked about anything and everything and I couldn't stop thinking about him.
That all built into a physical and mental attraction - he's the best man I've ever met. Looks will fade but that connection will still be there.

So what if your friends and colleagues laugh, frankly they sound like dicks.
If this man makes you happy and you can't stop thinking about him, there must be something? If not I'd move on as it's not fair to him.

I didn't think 'Phwoar!' when I met my DH. I didn't think he was ugly or anything like that, but he wasn't my usual type. But as we got to know each other, our emotional connection grew and his lovely personality shone through, l did become more attracted to him and couldn't imagine being with anyone else now!

Honestly, you're not gonna find someone who ticks ALL of your boxes, and if you want to compromise it's far better to do so when it comes to looks rather than personality or values IMO. Obviously if you find him hideous that's different, but if it's just that he's not your type you can definitely work around it. Looks fade.

My husband wasn’t my usual type either but i liked how he was - how he made me feel etc. physical attraction can and does grow for many people and once we actually got together i was head over heels pretty quickly. He’s still (nearly 20 years later) not my type. Celebrities, people you pass in the street but notice etc look nothing like my husband yet he’s the one i am with & am likely to always be with. We’re differnr now and life is different from when we first got together but we’ve 3 kids now & many more “stresses” we didn’t have back in the day but life & relationships change as do looks & if your relationship is based soley on physical attraction you won’t have much “glue” to hold you together as you navigate the future. We have always had good sexual chemistry and i do find him attractive but i don’t think thats the be all and end all i wouldn’t write off a relationship with what could be an amazing man who makes you very happy just because you don’t have mega lusty feelings & butterflies yet. You won’t know how you really feel unless you take a chance - you’ve nothing to lose and if he isn’t for you thats better than always wondering what if

Maybe he’ll take up UFC and you’ll have a reason to walk away.