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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I annoy my DP.

105 replies

Irritate1 · 04/06/2023 20:42

DP and I both lived alone for around 5 years before moving in together. We both have a DC from a previous relationship, and are expecting a baby together in a few months.

Ever since we moved in together, I’ve noticed DP gets annoyed with my habits and way of doing things. I feel like I’m constantly being criticised!

Some examples:

  • I’ve never owned a washing drying rack, due to previously living in a flat, and spent a lot of money on a pricey tumble dryer. Due to this, I naturally dry all of mine and DCs clothing using the dryer. DP objects to this, not because of anything to do with money or a legitimate reason, just because he thinks I’m ‘lazy’ not using the rack.
  • We often like to watch different TV shows, so he will watch sports downstairs on the sofa and I will watch something in the bedroom. If I want a snack (crisps, biscuits, fruit) I will bring it up to the bedroom and eat in bed. I don’t make a mess and I always bring bowls, plates etc down again. He objects to this as it’s not how he was brought up, he seems to think it’s unkempt.
  • If it’s late at night or I’m tired, I won’t always empty and refill the dishwasher after dinner or supper, sometimes I will leave the dishes on the side. These are always done first thing in the morning when I wake up. Again, DP gets annoyed with this, he’d rather me do the dishwasher at midnight than leave it until the following morning. He will often just do it himself, then complain later, but that’s his choice.

These are small examples but there are many more. He often calls me ‘lazy’! And truthfully, he is tidier and more organised than me, but to me, when you live with someone you have to learn to rub along together. I don’t see the things I do that are annoying as big deals in the grand scheme of things. I wouldn’t call him stupid and tell him he’s wasting his time spending 20 minutes hanging washing on a rack when he could use a tumble dryer, but he’s happy to call me lazy. I also couldn’t care less where he eats and drinks as long as he maintains a level of tidiness.

Ironically, I’ve always been the one nagging partners in the past, so it feels bizarre being on the receiving end of it!

OP posts:
ChannelyourinnerElsa · 04/06/2023 20:47

I actually think on the drying and the eating in bed, assuming he shares your bed, he is right.

the washing up (if it’s done before he gets up) would be less of an issue.
I hate coming down to a kitchen to make my breakfast coffee and having to dodge dirty dishes. Plus this time of year it’s a fly magnet!

Elfandwellbeing · 04/06/2023 20:49

Goodness he is a misery guts, maybe he is taking a while to get used to living with someone. It might not necessarily be you, just another person, any person, would annoy him. He needs to stop expecting you to soak up his expectations and be tolerant, name calling is vile, he thinks you’re lazy, I think he’s rude and intolerant. Is he worth the heart ache?

nutbrownhare15 · 04/06/2023 20:52

I would be having words telling him calling a partner lazy is unacceptable in a relationship and he needs to be kinder to you especially as you are pregnant. Tell him the criticism.needs to stop and you won't stand for it.

Screamingabdabz · 04/06/2023 20:52

“…he’d rather me do the dishwasher at midnight than leave it until the following morning.”

Oh would he? Nope. I’d never do the bloody dishwasher again if I was being expected to and judged for when I did it. He sounds like a naggy prick. I’m surprised you chose to have a child before ironing out all of these mundane domestic issues.

Didyeaye · 04/06/2023 20:57

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 04/06/2023 20:47

I actually think on the drying and the eating in bed, assuming he shares your bed, he is right.

the washing up (if it’s done before he gets up) would be less of an issue.
I hate coming down to a kitchen to make my breakfast coffee and having to dodge dirty dishes. Plus this time of year it’s a fly magnet!

Why’s it OP’s job to do the dishes before he gets up?

are you doing the majoriye of household tasks OP?

Didyeaye · 04/06/2023 20:57

Majority

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 04/06/2023 20:59

If you can afford to run the dryer then no big deal to use it I suppose, if that's what you're used to. Are you still in a flat together so no option to dry outside?

With regard to the snacks in bed, suggest that you be allowed to watch your probes on the downstairs to and he can go upstairs and not be allowed any snacks.

Is the dishwasher always your job? Why isn't he doing it, or did he do the cooking? How is he with sharing household chores generally?

As you say, you need to find away to rub along together. He sounds like he's not prepared to flex and wants everything his way. I hate to think how he'll be once the baby arrives.

Flufferblub · 04/06/2023 21:00

I do worry about this tbh. My dp is much more organised, cleaner and tidier than me. I'm a little more relaxed about things. I've lived with my ex, who did zero to help out with house work, so I've experienced most of the scale. We currently live separately, but I do worry that when we eventually live together, little things like this will just get on his nerves.

ArcticSkewer · 04/06/2023 21:02

Just stop doing any household tasks. Problem solved.

I wouldn't be at all keen on someone regularly eating in bed though.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 04/06/2023 21:04

I can see his point. Eating in bedrooms is gross. Food should remain downstairs. Coffee/tea and an early morning lounge is tolerable but anything else and it's a no go for me.

Dishes left over night smell. End of. Makes food smells linger for longer.

And as for watching different things, that's fine but why don't you both try to actually spend some time together in the evenings doing something other than TV? Like clearing up after dinner and snacks? If both of you work together the jobs will get done twice as quickly and everything will feel nicer and calmer.

As you already know from having had previous kids, you guys need to sort this out ASAP. Otherwise, dealing with baby plus habits and having differing values around household tasks will add unnecessary strain and stress. It's a good idea to start living like there is a baby involved and working out routines that will suit both of you. Especially, being pregnant, it's bloody exhausting.

And, he shouldn't be calling you lazy. It's not about you being lazy you both have different methods for dealing with tasks. It's hurtful and wrong that he's labeled like that

Allinadayswork80 · 04/06/2023 21:12

I don’t see the problem with eating in bed as long as there’s not crumbs etc. everywhere as that would bother me, but if it’s just the principle he doesn’t like then he needs to understand that ‘his way’ isn’t the only way and just because he was brought up like that, you weren’t. Plus he could choose to watch his sport upstairs and you snack downstairs!

Personally I hate dishes being left out for the next day, but that’s just me. My DP is like you and happy to leave it BUT he also doesn’t do it the next day either! So if you’re the one doing it then he needs to accept that you do it when YOU choose, otherwise let him crack on.

Again with the clothes, if HE wants to hang up clothes then he’s welcome to.

I wouldn’t be happy with the name calling tho, if he wants things a certain way ‘just because’ then he’s welcome to do so, but to be calling you lazy is unacceptable and maybe a calm ‘house meeting’ needs to happen to iron out these differences. He’s gonna have a huge shock when the baby comes!!

hotinthesun · 04/06/2023 21:18

And this is why i love single life i like my own space and do what pleases me .

Tilllly · 04/06/2023 21:22

Eating in bed as i type

Are there things he does that annoy you?

He needs to relax a bit, it's give and take

The way DH pegs out washing is infuriating but I bite my tongue cos in the grand scheme of things.... (that's a lie, I mutter furiously)

CherryBlossom321 · 04/06/2023 21:26

He’s observing as you do domestic tasks and critiquing your methods…how is he contributing to your shared life and responsibilities? Offer that he takes over and does them his way if it’s so upsetting for him.

PuppyMonkey · 04/06/2023 21:27

Your DP sounds like he knows the best way to do absolutely everything, so let him do it all.

Fisharejumping · 04/06/2023 21:29

I hate the thought of eating in bed. I also hate leaving plates out on the side overnight. Gross. But as they say, horses for courses.

continentallentil · 04/06/2023 21:31

Well he needs to learn to negotiate politely and be tolerant or he’s not cut out for communal living, so tell him that, and the next time he uses the word lazy pull him up, every time.

For what it’s worth I think he’s right about the drier (waste of energy), wrong about the snacks (who made him god, and also, how come he always gets the living room??), the dishwasher is just a personal preference for loading at night or in the morning, so if he chooses to clean up after you, that is his lookout.

honeylulu · 04/06/2023 21:32

Why is it your job to do all the laundry and all the dishes? Why does he get to comandeer the living room tv? Why is he bossing you about? That's what you should be asking.

RagingWoke · 04/06/2023 21:33

How is using a dryer lazy?! It's not like hanging laundry out to dry takes physical effort, he's not manually drying them. What a weird comment!

Honestly, there is more to life than dishes and housework. If the dishes get done the next day then they get done the next day. My DH is obsessed with dishes and laundry, he will start the washer if there are more than 2 dirty items of clothes and does the dishes before he'll sit down to eat. The dishes thing pisses me off because I spend time cooking and then he lets it go cold to wash the dishes and moans because it's not hot anymore... I've pointed out the stupidity so many times.

Eating in bed, who cares as long as you're not sleeping in a sea of crumbs. I'd be more annoyed his need for sports trumps your enjoyment of the shared space so regularly. He can knob off elsewhere if you snacking is causing him such distress 🙄

CharlotteRumpling · 04/06/2023 21:34

Been married for over 20 years and we still annoy each other! It's honestly v hard. Ideally I would like us to live in separate adjoining houses.

I have no solution.

Sigmama · 04/06/2023 21:35

Why is he allowed to watch sport on the main TV all the time whilst you are relegated to the bedroom

cocoloco117 · 04/06/2023 21:35

There’s no definite right or wrong in any of the things he’s on at you about, some people prefer one way or another, it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. The issue is he doesn’t accept the way you do things that are different from how he would like you to do them. Part of being in a relationship is a degree of tolerance for each other’s foibles. If he’s genuinely struggling with that then consider how it’ll be down the line after years of nagging and resentment.

Valour · 04/06/2023 21:36

Does he do housework OP? I ask because I do agree with his point of view on all those things, but I think the circumstances are important. I do all the cooking in our house and get up first, and I think it's really shitty to get up to dirty dishes when I went to the effort of cooking for everyone.
The dryer uses LOADS of electricity, so financially and environmentally, it's a bit unreasonable of you not to hang clothes when the weather is fine. You'll need all the spare £ having a baby on the way...

Silvergoldandglitter · 04/06/2023 21:37

I agree with the first 2 points.
Using the tumble dryer when there's a drying rack is just laziness and doesn't happen here.
Eating or drinking in bed here is also not done. It feels wrong to us.

Surely these differences haven't only just come to light though?

HundredMilesAnHour · 04/06/2023 21:38

I'm with your DP.

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