I annoy my DP.

[Irritate1]

DP and I both lived alone for around 5 years before moving in together. We both have a DC from a previous relationship, and are expecting a baby together in a few months.

Ever since we moved in together, I’ve noticed DP gets annoyed with my habits and way of doing things. I feel like I’m constantly being criticised!

Some examples:

• I’ve never owned a washing drying rack, due to previously living in a flat, and spent a lot of money on a pricey tumble dryer. Due to this, I naturally dry all of mine and DCs clothing using the dryer. DP objects to this, not because of anything to do with money or a legitimate reason, just because he thinks I’m ‘lazy’ not using the rack.

• We often like to watch different TV shows, so he will watch sports downstairs on the sofa and I will watch something in the bedroom. If I want a snack (crisps, biscuits, fruit) I will bring it up to the bedroom and eat in bed. I don’t make a mess and I always bring bowls, plates etc down again. He objects to this as it’s not how he was brought up, he seems to think it’s unkempt.

• If it’s late at night or I’m tired, I won’t always empty and refill the dishwasher after dinner or supper, sometimes I will leave the dishes on the side. These are always done first thing in the morning when I wake up. Again, DP gets annoyed with this, he’d rather me do the dishwasher at midnight than leave it until the following morning. He will often just do it himself, then complain later, but that’s his choice.

These are small examples but there are many more. He often calls me ‘lazy’! And truthfully, he is tidier and more organised than me, but to me, when you live with someone you have to learn to rub along together. I don’t see the things I do that are annoying as big deals in the grand scheme of things. I wouldn’t call him stupid and tell him he’s wasting his time spending 20 minutes hanging washing on a rack when he could use a tumble dryer, but he’s happy to call me lazy. I also couldn’t care less where he eats and drinks as long as he maintains a level of tidiness.

Ironically, I’ve always been the one nagging partners in the past, so it feels bizarre being on the receiving end of it!

People are so fricking precious.

Eating in your bed isn't unhygienic. Unless you are eating of dirty plates and the food is off.... just make sure

Honestly there are more important and first world problems than this. I couldn't bare to live with someone who nip picks at stupid things. It would make me feel uncomfortable in my own home and like I can't rest unless his standards have been met.

Also you are pregnant! How is he going to be when you give birth. Will he still expect you to live by his ways even when you are spent and exhausted with a new born.

You really need to put your foot down with this op and tell your husband to get a grip before it gets worse and unbearable

Hmmm, you might not be well suited. I mean, I wouldn't like to be told how to run my own home. But I also wouldn't like to live with someone who regularly eats in bed and leaves dirty plates out overnight so I can either live with it (I don't want to) or tidy it up myself (I don't want to.)

I guess these things can be ironed out but, although it's too late to say this, it is best to see whether you can iron them out before having a baby together.

It's not people 'being precious', it's simply people having different personalities and likes/dislikes. I hate this attitude that you are being precious just because you have a different idea of what's hygenic than somebody else.

I'm not a fan of eating in the bedroom either but what do people expect when he's taking up the living room all the time meaning she has to be in the bedroom?

We never hang washing up indoors, it just creates condensation. That's not laziness. I think he's looking for reasons to be annoyed with you.
Has he just started with this since you became pregnant?

Let him think it’s lazy.

he doesn’t have to be 100% happy with how you do things.

If he does his own washing and you do yours and your child's then apart from any issues he might have re the cost or the environment then it's not really got anything to do with him. I have an airer and a tumble dryer and it's irritating having an airer up and in the way.
With regards to eating in bed, why doesn't he watch the TV upstairs then? Then you're downstairs with access to the kitchen. Oh and if anybody moaned at me because I didn't want to load or unload a dishwasher at midnight I'd tell them to get lost and do it themselves!

Learning to live with another person is always a bit of a struggle to start with.

You just need to sit and work out how things work, there are things which one person does which annoys the other and vice versa. I mean, food in the bedroom is a big no-no for a lot of people, but likewise it's not a huge deal if dishes get left overnight. It's just a case of working out a compromise.

I think you should tell him you find his habit of hanging stuff up to dry making the place look sloppy and like a public laundry 'annoying' and swap where you watch tv. He can watch in bed. You can watch and snack downstairs.

As for the dishes, point out that as you are doing the extra work of growing his dc he needs to up his load and wash up the dishes late in the evening.

My DH leaves the dishwasher full of clean dishes and dirty dishes out all night (his task). I find it very annoying when I am trying to make breakfast and packed lunches in the morning, and have to literally push dirty dishes along the counter top and clean before I can start. Often the lunch boxes are still in the dishwasher and wet - so it adds drying them to my list of morning chores.

I find it lazy and disrespectful so I'm strongly with your DH on this one. Just deal with it before you sit down to watch TV.

Eating in bed is gross. Can he watch his show in bed and you stay downstairs?

I'm 50/50 on the drying. It's bad the for environment but you're pregnant so I get how you CBF.

Does he do anything? Or is he just criticising the way you clean up after him from his position on the sofa? If my partner had the gall to tell me I can't eat in bed while he's watching sports downstairs I'd tell him where to go

For the washing and dishwashing, it's the person doing it who gets to decide how they do it. Tell your DP that over and over again. (Although a tumble dryer is a huge waste of energy!).

I'm with your DP re eating in bed though.

Your existing DC isn't his I assume? Is he picky and petty with DC too?
This doesn't bode well. Did you get pregnant before you moved in together?

I think these kinds things are always difficult in relationships as people have their own ways of doing things that need to be negotiated when living together. I think it's all about how you deal with the differences together, rather than what the differences are. Have you seen 'You Be the Judge' every week in The Guardian?

DH is my 2nd husband (we live with my 2 teen DS) and have our differences, but I think we manage them quite well.

Regarding eating in bed, DH makes cappuccino and brings it to us in bed at the weekend. That is very nice, I appreciate it. He also brings himself some toast and eats it in bed with his cappuccino. I don't like crumbs in the bed and he tries hard not to spill any as he knows it bothers me. Considering how lovely he is making us both cappuccino every Saturday and Sunday morning while I lie in, I am happy with him eating his toast with it.

Regarding the dishwasher, I make most of the meals and he loads the dishwasher. After I've made dinner I rarely go in the kitchen and leave him to it. He might put it on at night, he might do some and leave it until the morning. He is usually up before me. All I know is that when I go downstairs in the morning, the dishwasher has been emptied. He doesn't wipe the worktops down, neither do my teens, so I do that several times a day. I see it as all of us mucking in together and compensating for each others limitations.

We don't have a tumble dryer, we used to have the one I'd got with my ex but used it so rarely it was a waste of space so we got rid of it. I consider it a waste of energy these days. But I did use it when I had 2 little ones in washable nappies, so I appreciate their uses. I tend to put a load of washing on and DH often sees it has finished before I do and hangs it up to dry. Sometimes he doesn't and then I hang it up or ask one of my teens to do it.

I am probably the fussiest person in the house and also the only female, but somehow, we seem to manage to keep the house in reasonable order between us without too much nagging. I clean up the stuff myself that really bothers me and everyone else tries not to make too much of the mess that bothers me and chips in with doing bits and pieces that need doing.

It's not necessarily about the washing/ dishwasher/ eating in bed It's that his self important views makes you the lesser person when you should be a team, particularly when you're expecting a baby, which puts a strain on the strongest of relationships.
Calling you names is nasty and disrespectful. See my earlier point about his attitude
What does he actually do to support you? Emotionally and practically?

Why does he never get relegated to the bedroom to watch tv OP?

Well the eating in bed thing is easy to remedy.....he can watch his sports in the bedroom and you can sit in the living room where presumably its 'allowed'??

Otherwise its a case of learning to live with each other. The dryer would annoy me but the option is to each do your own laundry and dry it in your own way.

Using a tumble dryer isn't lazy, it's just expensive.

He sounds like hard work. And not very nice...

I must admit I hate people eating upstairs in the bedrooms. My eldest three always came downstairs for snacks, fruit etc but dh, knowing how I feel about it keeps giving dd3 food upstairs. Even when she eats downstairs she's messy! He makes me look like I'm being unreasonable. Even if it wasn't for the mess I think getting a 15 year old to come downstairs and socialise is a good thing.

I am sure I do plenty that annoys my husband. He does plenty to annoy me.

However I don’t assign unpleasant characteristics to him like ‘lazy’ or ‘unkempt’ just because he does things differently and vice versa.

Reading between the lines I suspect you are made to feel inferior, like a naughty child, like you don’t know how to behave ‘properly’.

Is he fun? Nice? Kind? It doesn’t sound it.

I re-peg them after a polite interval 🤣🤣

I agree!!

luckily me and DH agree on hanging washing up to dry and both barely ever use our tumble dryer. We think it’s terrible for the environment and also would rather not spend extra money on bills when you can just spend 15 mins getting a rack out or pegging washing on the line!

Think the rack is petty and unless you’ve got a spare room it just ends up making everything damp. And re: dishes, he can do it if it’s so important.

I hate food in the bedroom though so on that I think you are being U!

Do a chart on the fridge. Do a column for the usual complaints. Put a big black x on it when he comes out with it again. You’ve discussed it. You have different opinions. That’s fine. Him going on about it isn’t.

why don’t you boot him up the bedroom next time you’re both watching something, assuming he prefers downstairs?

I agree with your DP too...

I'm not sure I would go as far as criticising you and calling you lazy. It would slightly irk me though.