I annoy my DP.

[Irritate1]

DP and I both lived alone for around 5 years before moving in together. We both have a DC from a previous relationship, and are expecting a baby together in a few months.

Ever since we moved in together, I’ve noticed DP gets annoyed with my habits and way of doing things. I feel like I’m constantly being criticised!

Some examples:

• I’ve never owned a washing drying rack, due to previously living in a flat, and spent a lot of money on a pricey tumble dryer. Due to this, I naturally dry all of mine and DCs clothing using the dryer. DP objects to this, not because of anything to do with money or a legitimate reason, just because he thinks I’m ‘lazy’ not using the rack.

• We often like to watch different TV shows, so he will watch sports downstairs on the sofa and I will watch something in the bedroom. If I want a snack (crisps, biscuits, fruit) I will bring it up to the bedroom and eat in bed. I don’t make a mess and I always bring bowls, plates etc down again. He objects to this as it’s not how he was brought up, he seems to think it’s unkempt.

• If it’s late at night or I’m tired, I won’t always empty and refill the dishwasher after dinner or supper, sometimes I will leave the dishes on the side. These are always done first thing in the morning when I wake up. Again, DP gets annoyed with this, he’d rather me do the dishwasher at midnight than leave it until the following morning. He will often just do it himself, then complain later, but that’s his choice.

These are small examples but there are many more. He often calls me ‘lazy’! And truthfully, he is tidier and more organised than me, but to me, when you live with someone you have to learn to rub along together. I don’t see the things I do that are annoying as big deals in the grand scheme of things. I wouldn’t call him stupid and tell him he’s wasting his time spending 20 minutes hanging washing on a rack when he could use a tumble dryer, but he’s happy to call me lazy. I also couldn’t care less where he eats and drinks as long as he maintains a level of tidiness.

Ironically, I’ve always been the one nagging partners in the past, so it feels bizarre being on the receiving end of it!

If you're looking for solutions, rather than lots of opinions on who's right/wrong, here's my tuppence worth:
Take a collaborative approach to all problems and issues. The way it works is to state the issue as you see it and then ask 'what can WE do to solve this/make this better?'

Eg. Hey DP, I've noticed that we have different ways of drying laundry and that seems to upset you. What can we do about it?

Hey DP, I know you prefer that I don't eat in bed. I like to snack while watching TV. How can we resolve this?

Hey DP, I noticed that it bothers you if the dishes are left until the morning and I don't always want to do them in the evening. What's the solution?

Also, boundaries are important. 'Hey DP, I know we have different ways of doing things around the house but it's not acceptable for you to call me lazy. Please don't do that again.'

The point is not for one or the other of you to 'win' but for you to come up with solutions that work for you both. It's an ongoing process.

This kind of collaborative approach may not be helpful if one or both of you are emotionally unhealthy but then at least you'll know that you/he need to work on that.

Surely it’s completely irrelevant whether strangers on here think you’re right or he’s right. There will be a variety of opinions of these topics, none of which matter in the slightest. What does matter is you both trying to work it out so you can live together harmoniously.

Learning to live together is always going to require some kind of compromise. It’s unlikely 2 people are going to have the exact same views on everything. However it is unreasonable for him to be of the opinion that it’s his way or the highway. You need to be a team and work through it together.

All those things would annoy me too. Especially the dryer. With kids you should be thinking about climate change. I load the dishwasher through the day and put it on straight after dinner, and put it all away just before bed. But what puzzles me is if he cares so much why doesn’t he do it himself?

If my pregnant friend was being called lazy by her partner I'd be a bit worried, but then I'd also be happy she has a partner that does his share and well

This!
Reading it made me think about why my 2nd marriage is happy and my 1st really wasn't.