I annoy my DP.

[Irritate1]

DP and I both lived alone for around 5 years before moving in together. We both have a DC from a previous relationship, and are expecting a baby together in a few months.

Ever since we moved in together, I’ve noticed DP gets annoyed with my habits and way of doing things. I feel like I’m constantly being criticised!

Some examples:

• I’ve never owned a washing drying rack, due to previously living in a flat, and spent a lot of money on a pricey tumble dryer. Due to this, I naturally dry all of mine and DCs clothing using the dryer. DP objects to this, not because of anything to do with money or a legitimate reason, just because he thinks I’m ‘lazy’ not using the rack.

• We often like to watch different TV shows, so he will watch sports downstairs on the sofa and I will watch something in the bedroom. If I want a snack (crisps, biscuits, fruit) I will bring it up to the bedroom and eat in bed. I don’t make a mess and I always bring bowls, plates etc down again. He objects to this as it’s not how he was brought up, he seems to think it’s unkempt.

• If it’s late at night or I’m tired, I won’t always empty and refill the dishwasher after dinner or supper, sometimes I will leave the dishes on the side. These are always done first thing in the morning when I wake up. Again, DP gets annoyed with this, he’d rather me do the dishwasher at midnight than leave it until the following morning. He will often just do it himself, then complain later, but that’s his choice.

These are small examples but there are many more. He often calls me ‘lazy’! And truthfully, he is tidier and more organised than me, but to me, when you live with someone you have to learn to rub along together. I don’t see the things I do that are annoying as big deals in the grand scheme of things. I wouldn’t call him stupid and tell him he’s wasting his time spending 20 minutes hanging washing on a rack when he could use a tumble dryer, but he’s happy to call me lazy. I also couldn’t care less where he eats and drinks as long as he maintains a level of tidiness.

Ironically, I’ve always been the one nagging partners in the past, so it feels bizarre being on the receiving end of it!

I can’t really understand why he sees all these domestic things as your job…

Tbh all the things he finds annoying, I would too.

Sorry I’m with your DP. Doesn’t matter how carefully you eat in bed, you will drop crumbs which is unhygienic but also massively irritating for the other person sharing the bed!

I think it’s relevant for you to mention how household chores are divided. If these are “your” jobs and he has other jobs, then I think you need to discuss minimum standards you are both happy with.

If he’s leaving you to do all the household chores then he’s of course a dick, but my experience with men who have these sorts of standards is that 90% of them are clean tidy people who lived alone and have a way they like things done. They just need to learn to compromise.

The other 10% are controlling bullies who want you to do everything and it will never be good enough. Only you can say if you’ve got a good guy who needs to discuss standards and compromise with you, or if he’s a dickhead.

I'd hand him the basket of wet laundry to hang himself, cf

*hang up himself!

You have to hash this out with him now as these issues are going to cause rows with the tiredness and clutter of a new baby.
If he's resentful and grumpy now he's going to be hell to live with then.
You both need to compromise. Maybe an agreed division of chores is the way to go if compromise isn't happening organically.

Can we swap dps? My dh is like you and I am like your dh. It drives me insane. Can’t stand people eating in bed. Crumbs and food smells somewhere where you want to sleep is horrible. As is coming down to a load of dirty dishes. We just load everything into the dishwasher before bed.

He sounds controlling

I don’t like the eating in bed thing, but I don’t like football either. He hasn’t offered to move so you can snack on the couch, has he? If you want to snack while watching tv, why can’t he take his arse up to the bedroom and watch football there? He sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Is the OP also controlling as she admits to nagging previous partners?

Eating in bed is a bit grim and I'm with him on the dryer - but what is stopping him putting it out to dry or reloading dishwasher?

You both have to compromise OP. If he wants the washing hanging out he should do that. You could take turns to watch tv upstairs.

have you pointed out to him that living with someone else means he needs to change his habits as do you?

We do divide chores equally; he just doesn’t like how I choose to do mine. For example, he mostly does his own washing, so he will always hang his up on the rack. When I do mine and DC’s washing, I will dry it afterwards in the tumble dryer - that’s what he objects to. He thinks it’s ‘lazy’ and doesn’t think the tumble dryer should be on for 2 hours when I could just hang it up. But I don’t want to spend an additional 20 minutes getting a rack out and hanging up washing, not to mention things take forever to dry and it looks ugly.

I'm on the slatternly side but eating in bed would be a hard no from me, barring cases of illness or drunkenness. I'd also rather the dishwasher was filled before bed unless we've been hosting, it's late and we're shattered or drunk. Those things would annoy me and I'd say so.

A lot of it is in the tone. DP has called me lazy when I drop my clothes on the floor, because I am. It's in an eye-rolly way, I don't feel critiqued. I've called some of his behaviour annoying too. Part of being in a relationship with someone is that you make some effort to improve the bits of your domestic behaviour that are the most annoying for your partner, but at the same time you have to accept most of each other's habits and realise that their standards just aren't the same as yours.

Missing the point of the thread, doesn’t tumble drying shrink your clothes? I can’t tumble dry all my stuff just because it would ruin it

Anyway; generally your dp sounds quite controlling; why is his way the best way?!

Eating in bed is grim, I’m with him there. It’s a no in our house. Dryer I couldn’t get mad at but I HATE dirty dishes being left out. They are always done before bed in this house even if that is at midnight

If you want snacks and he doesn't, why doesn't he just watch sport upstairs and you watch your shows downstairs?

We don't eat in bed because there are crumbs and packets/rubbish are just extra little tasks that need dealing with.

I would imagine it’s one of the divided chores, we don’t have a set list of chores in our relationship, we share everything, but if my DH has done the cooking and the dishwasher hasn’t been filled, I’ll always do it before going to bed, because he gets up before me for work, so I don’t want him to come down to dirty pots in the morning.

I’d say not doing that, and the eating crisps in bed, shows a lack of consideration for your partner (assuming they’re doing their fair share) which OP says he is and more.

I think he’s wrong to be calling you lazy for your difference in standards though, but how long has this been going on? Has he tried to broach the subject in other ways?

Me too 😁

You took the words right out of my mouth. OP I have no idea why you thought it would be a good idea to have a baby with an incompatible partner.

I agree with your partner, especially in regards to eating in the bed. I would find it difficult to live with someone like you. Each to their own though.

How does it take you 20 minutes to hang washing?
No way would we be using 2 hours of electricity on a tumble dryer when there's a perfectly good alternative for free. Also think of the other reasons for not using tumble dryers, environmental impacts, ruins your clothes over time etc. Sorry but I think that one is laziness.

Sounds like he's wound a little too tight and you are a little too loose.

I am with your partner on these. I cannot bear habits like that. If you eat, you must be prepared to tidy up straight after. Don't eat in bed if you share it with someone . Simples

He has a point about the dryer.

Otherwise i eat crisps in bed too. And dishwasher needs to be shared job

Living together is a constant negotiation and compromise

I do tidy up straight after, if I eat in the bedroom I always take the plates, bowls etc. down immediately afterwards. I don’t make crumbs in the bed or spill things, DP has admitted that himself when we’ve spoken about it, he just seems to disagree with it in principle.

It takes 20 minutes because I need to get the rack out, then take it to where it goes, then get the washing out (which is usually 2 basket loads), then finally hang all the washing out. When I’ve done DC’s washing, that’s all the school clothes, socks, pants, which can be 30+ items. Being pregnant also isn’t helpful at the moment, as I’m big and uncomfortable, so find bending and kneeling to hang things on the lower levels a strain.

Then it takes hours and hours to dry, so it’s often left until the following day, by which point I may have work or other commitments other than putting washing away. DP will then get annoyed there is still stuff hanging on the rack.

I would rather spend 3 hours washing and drying everything in the dryer, then put it away whilst I’ve got the opportunity and time.

I just can’t get annoyed about stuff like this, so I guess I don’t really get why DP gets so frustrated.