I annoy my DP.

[Irritate1]

DP and I both lived alone for around 5 years before moving in together. We both have a DC from a previous relationship, and are expecting a baby together in a few months.

Ever since we moved in together, I’ve noticed DP gets annoyed with my habits and way of doing things. I feel like I’m constantly being criticised!

Some examples:

• I’ve never owned a washing drying rack, due to previously living in a flat, and spent a lot of money on a pricey tumble dryer. Due to this, I naturally dry all of mine and DCs clothing using the dryer. DP objects to this, not because of anything to do with money or a legitimate reason, just because he thinks I’m ‘lazy’ not using the rack.

• We often like to watch different TV shows, so he will watch sports downstairs on the sofa and I will watch something in the bedroom. If I want a snack (crisps, biscuits, fruit) I will bring it up to the bedroom and eat in bed. I don’t make a mess and I always bring bowls, plates etc down again. He objects to this as it’s not how he was brought up, he seems to think it’s unkempt.

• If it’s late at night or I’m tired, I won’t always empty and refill the dishwasher after dinner or supper, sometimes I will leave the dishes on the side. These are always done first thing in the morning when I wake up. Again, DP gets annoyed with this, he’d rather me do the dishwasher at midnight than leave it until the following morning. He will often just do it himself, then complain later, but that’s his choice.

These are small examples but there are many more. He often calls me ‘lazy’! And truthfully, he is tidier and more organised than me, but to me, when you live with someone you have to learn to rub along together. I don’t see the things I do that are annoying as big deals in the grand scheme of things. I wouldn’t call him stupid and tell him he’s wasting his time spending 20 minutes hanging washing on a rack when he could use a tumble dryer, but he’s happy to call me lazy. I also couldn’t care less where he eats and drinks as long as he maintains a level of tidiness.

Ironically, I’ve always been the one nagging partners in the past, so it feels bizarre being on the receiving end of it!

Why is it laziness?

Can you meet each other in the middle. At the moment he sees you as lazy and you need him as over the top. All relationships are some give and take.

You’re both still living like you’re single. Did neither of you realise any of these things before you moved in together? Living together is so completely different to dating and now you’re having a baby together. It’s going to be interesting.

I understand the points he’s making and as the spaces are shared I’d try to better myself …. However, he should not call you names.

I agree with him on points 1 and 2 (although I'm sitting eating chicken fried rice on top of my bed right now so MAHOOSIVE hypocrite).

Point 3 I'd be less fussed about unless you'd had a curry or something else spectacularly smelly.

That said, it's time to start letting him know whenever he does something to piss YOU off, @Irritate1 . Don't hold back.

He's a nit picker and you're not. You need to resolve his nit picking or it will cause a rift in your relationship.

And honestly, is it your job to do the washing and dishwashers? F that. He can do his own..!

How long have you lived together? Living with someone new is going to take time to get used to and compromise over things, because we all do things differently, especially after living alone for 5 years.

Sorry but he MUST accept that you are not a female version of him

he NEEDS to be told that you are different in how you approach things and that ‘different’ doesn’t mean lazy

Tell him you find it offensive and tiresome that he expects you to operate the same way as him and you are dreading what he is going to be like once the baby is here!

He sounds quite irritating. Inflexible. Uptight. Let him know.

When we live together we have to put up with stuff. Without resorting to name calling.

Who is it your job to do the dishes ? If he doesn't like them being left he's surely free to do them ?

I eat in bed - full meals often as it's my safe haven and I'm currently immobile so I eat where I'm comfortable

I don't think I could live with anyone again . Recently began a casual relationship and couldn't wait for him to leave ! I like my own space where I can do what I like without anyone moaning!

Brilliant 😂

Food in the bedroom is grim, I'm with dp on that. The rest is just being different

My husband leaves dishes out. He’s a slob, leave him

my husband complains that I leave dishes out. He’s controlling, leave him

I think this thread is revealing that people are brought up with different view on these on these things, and those brought up like the OP's DP seems to think that there is something morally bankrupt in not being like them. But actually, these are all just lifestyle choices/habits. But actually none of them say ANYTHING about your moral fibre, any more than a disagreement about what colour curtains to buy or whether to keep the mugs in the left drawer or the right would.

I think everything the OP does is absolutely fine and I do all of them and my parents do all all of them (and both I and they are happily married and don't waste time being hits to each other about trivialities). I think not being able to have a snack in bed would be miserable, never being able just to leave washing up neatly stacked for the next morning is absurd, and hanging wet washing all over the house when you have a drier is tedious and fills the house with humidity that causes mould etc and is both untidy and unhealthy.

Thank goodness you realised how incompatible you are living together before you brought another child into the world.

🙄

I eat snacks in bed a the time 😅 usually a chocolate bar or grapes when watching a movie. Don't see how it's grim unless you're not brushing your teeth after or are getting crumbs in the bed.

@Quitelikeit makes a good point.

the issue here isn’t whether each of these things is “right”/“wrong”, or acceptable/tolerable - everyone has their own preferences, that’s fine.

The issue is that he can’t let any of this go / discuss it with you like a grown up / come up with some mutually acceptable solutions - and also that your individual preferences already result in you not spending much positive time together (by the sounds of it). If your instinct is that this is going to turn into a living hell when your baby arrives I think you’re probably right - it certainly has potential…

I would (discreetly) read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (You can download on kindle app). If it reasonates then consider your options, things aren’t likely to improve…

If it doesn’t then great - tackle these issues head on and work out approaches/ground rules that work for both of you - eg. His job to sort dishes after dinner. If he’s doing laundry you butt out and vice versa. Absolutely no name calling etc.

Sorry he is making you second guess himself. It’s not a good sign that these simple issues just end up repeating and never seem to get resolved - you’re not unreasonable to think they should be straightforward live and let live scenarios to a large extent. Good luck.

Finally someone who mentions the mould and humidity of hanging stuff inside on a rack! I find this way grosser and more unhygienic than a tumble drier. Much better to hang outside or use a drier that vents externally. Hanging whole loads on washing on a rack in a flat is very likely going to cause indoor air problems/condensation unless you have a window open all the time.

Also love a snack in bed. And I don’t always bring my plate down immediately either.

If this is just the top of the molehill, he might be hard work to live with long term. victor meldrew springs to mind

How long have you lived together? Living with someone new is going to take time to get used to and compromise over things, because we all do things differently, especially after living alone for 5 years.

This is exactly what I was going to ask.

All of us get used to doing things the way we do them.
Dozens of people agreeing or disagreeing with any of your examples isn't really relevant - what is important is how you as two adults with different ways of doing things, work out a compromise..

I wouldn't commit to anything permanent (like buying a property, and definitely not having a child) with someone I hadn't lived with.
I'm pretty easy going, but I hear so many people on MN who feel their way is the only way, that I'd have to know I could live with whatever things we do differently, before committing to anything permanent.

Lol why is it lazy to use a tumble dryer?? Is it lazy to use a dishwasher or washing machine too? Or a hoover for that matter? Ridicolous. I'm guessing it's just what some people have been told growing up and now hold those beliefs without questioning it. Sounds like what has happened to your OH, PP. A tumble drier is useful and saves time. Just like any other household "machine".
Eating in bed, well just a question of preference.
Leaving out dirty plates until the next day is one of my pet peeves though. I do get really annoyed with my OH, he seems to think nothing of coming down to pick his way through dirty plates to make breakfast.
I've lived with boyfriends before who have been much tidier than my OH and life was so much smoother. It's horrible being a "nag" and equally horrible being nagged.
Best scenario is you talk about expectations and come to an agreement and both stick to it.

Anybody that monopolises the living room all night, expecting you to be in the bedroom, and expecting you not to eat while you're there, is a selfish twat.

I think it’s really hard to combine households when you’re both fully established “grown ups” who are used to having your own space and doing things your own way.

I moved in with my OH last year and it was super tricky!

i actually think it’s normal to have these sort of gripes with partners when you combine households.

What's the financial situation like between you two? You have the inferior sitting room as you have to sit in your bedroom and it sounds as though you're doing all the washing and the dishes. What exactly does he do? Do you both contribute the same amount per month?