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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and shallow for being put off him now he said this on our date?

119 replies

Nevs · 04/06/2023 19:04

I recently went on a date with a guy I met at the gym. I’d seen him a few times over the weeks, and thought he was good looking.

Finally he approached me and we exchanged numbers, texted for a bit, then arranged the date.

I was quite interested originally, until I met up with him. We were at the bar and he said he was happy to be on a date, as apparently, when he first moved here (he’s new to the area), he said he’d joined Tinder, and made a lot of “good matches”. He then said “But when I messaged them, none of them replied, not one”.

I have never been on a dating site. Not been on a date in a while either. I instantly felt like I’d won the prize that no one else wants, and that he’s probably a bit desperate trying to talk to a lot of women. I’m completely put off now.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PuffinsRocks · 04/06/2023 19:05

Nah he sounds a bit needy, that would put me off too.

SparklingMarkling · 04/06/2023 19:05

That wouldn’t have put me off to be honest.

2023forme · 04/06/2023 19:07

YABU. Judge him on how he is with you not his lack of online dating success. It’s not like you’ve just found out he’s an abuser or worse. It’s pretty fickle of you in lots of ways.

SnappyDragony · 04/06/2023 19:07

Yup.
He's trying to date and he was honest that he has been online dating. Don't really see the issue.
You don't have to date him for whatever reason you choose but I think it's a little silly to feel like the prize no one wanted, and maybe a little cruel

StripeyDeckchair · 04/06/2023 19:07

His tinder experience is irrelevant.

Did you enjoy the date?
Did the conversation flow?
Was he polite to the bar staff? (Always a sign to bail if he wasnt)

RandomMess · 04/06/2023 19:07

It may just be his written profile was rubbish. If you find him easy to talk to and interesting does that matter?

Drosselmeyer · 04/06/2023 19:07

I think talking about dates with other people (whether having them or failing to have them) is always going to be a minefield. If he'd told you he'd been out with loads of women that would be off-putting too.

Evaka · 04/06/2023 19:07

Very open of him to share that. If he was confiding that he finds online dating horrible, it's refreshing. All in the tone and context. Was he good company?

Kinneddar · 04/06/2023 19:07

I wouldn't have given that a second thought. Certainly wouldn't put me off. I think your reaction to the comment is strange

MXVIT · 04/06/2023 19:08

This really wouldn't have put me off. If anything I'd be more put off of you as your declaration of never being on dating apps sounds superior and judgy

I would wonder just how low your ick tolerance is tbh

MsMcGonagall · 04/06/2023 19:10

Don't be put off by that OP. These days pretty much everyone single uses online dating. You are being unusually old-school in fancying someone across the crowded gym! So, unless there is anything else that puts you off, I would continue with this fine romance.

Twiglets1 · 04/06/2023 19:14

Blimey - that's very shallow of you. He was just being honest and you already said you found him good looking so I would be reassured he wasn't big headed about his looks but willing to show some vulnerability.

JMSA · 04/06/2023 19:17

Give him a chance! Online dating is a very tough gig, especially for blokes (in terms of number of messages received).

mainsfed · 04/06/2023 19:17

He was honest, which is a good thing.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

If he’s a good guy, don’t dump him
to go after a bird that’s in the bush just because he can blag that lots of women want him.

LardyDee · 04/06/2023 19:20

YABU. But does it matter? You need to be attracted to him, not to be reasonable.

RaininSummer · 04/06/2023 19:21

Give the guy a chance if you like him. Maybe he just doesn't do himself any favours online.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 04/06/2023 19:23

Surely a real life version you ', clicked' with is better than a reference from old??? Do you just the judgement of the ones who didn't swipe for him over your own actual opinion? How absolutely bloody odd!

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 04/06/2023 19:24

I think 80% of the men in OLD can tell you the same especially if they were there only for a short time or because they have not grasped the idea that you need to be creative in your messages to elicit a response (every woman can tell you they ignore people who only say “Hi”

My ex was shite at writing messages in OLD but was great in person, had me laughing like an idiot every day for many many years.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 04/06/2023 19:25

And yes, you need to check your self esteem if you think he is not good enough because he was not successful in OLD.

Artycrafts · 04/06/2023 19:26

Twiglets1 · 04/06/2023 19:14

Blimey - that's very shallow of you. He was just being honest and you already said you found him good looking so I would be reassured he wasn't big headed about his looks but willing to show some vulnerability.

This.

teezletangler · 04/06/2023 19:28

I don't think trying to go on some dates is needy. I wouldn't even think twice about this comment. DH and I met online and he told me about his dating disasters / lack of success on the site on our first or second date.

IglesiasPiggl · 04/06/2023 19:33

Probably he didn't have a detailed profile, poor photos and short intro message. OLD isn't for everyone, clearly he is better in real life, where it actually matters. Have a word with yourself.

thecatsthecats · 04/06/2023 19:43

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 04/06/2023 19:24

I think 80% of the men in OLD can tell you the same especially if they were there only for a short time or because they have not grasped the idea that you need to be creative in your messages to elicit a response (every woman can tell you they ignore people who only say “Hi”

My ex was shite at writing messages in OLD but was great in person, had me laughing like an idiot every day for many many years.

This. Whenever a thread comes up about OLD, there's always snippy comments about people breaking these unwritten rules.

I'm always sat there thinking, well, what if they don't know the rules? Doesn't make them a bad person.

Bbqshowdownusa · 04/06/2023 19:49

Wouldn’t bother me at all.

Livelovebehappy · 04/06/2023 19:55

who ended your last relationship OP? Have you always been the one to dump, or have you been dumped? Because, using your logic, anyone who has been in the unfortunate position of having been ‘let go’ by an ex must have something wrong with them, and should be judged as unworthy.