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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and shallow for being put off him now he said this on our date?

119 replies

Nevs · 04/06/2023 19:04

I recently went on a date with a guy I met at the gym. I’d seen him a few times over the weeks, and thought he was good looking.

Finally he approached me and we exchanged numbers, texted for a bit, then arranged the date.

I was quite interested originally, until I met up with him. We were at the bar and he said he was happy to be on a date, as apparently, when he first moved here (he’s new to the area), he said he’d joined Tinder, and made a lot of “good matches”. He then said “But when I messaged them, none of them replied, not one”.

I have never been on a dating site. Not been on a date in a while either. I instantly felt like I’d won the prize that no one else wants, and that he’s probably a bit desperate trying to talk to a lot of women. I’m completely put off now.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 04/06/2023 20:01

Oh give him a chance! If that's the only putting you off I'd give it more time to get to know him.

Anotherparkingthread · 04/06/2023 20:02

He sounds sweet!

Online dating is horrible, it could be he matched with fake profiles or people who hadn't used tinder in ages or had deleted the app etc so still come up in search but didn't even see gis messages.

Maybe the women thought his profile was fake or it wasn't filled in/didn't have pics etc.

If you think he's attractive and met him at the gym then there's obviously nothing wrong with him. At least not that your could ascertain from a tinder profile...

Original poster
Nevs · 04/06/2023 20:08

Happy to accept I’m being unreasonable.

I guess it put me off because like I said I’ve never been on a dating site, never felt the need to and have never gone out my way to try to date. Which I guess is what he going.

This was the first date I’d been on in a while. Not from lack of offers, but because I’m quite choosey and not that bothered about meeting anyone.

He was a lovely guy in every other way but once I’m put off there’s no going back. Meh, can’t help how I feel I suppose 🤷🏻‍♀️

No worries, the thought of a future with 10 cats sounds rather lovely

OP posts:
longwayoff · 04/06/2023 20:19

YANBU. Not an ideal first conversation. Keep swiping, Mr Needy..

Thoughtful2355 · 04/06/2023 20:19

That's really shallow.

Yabu

Thoughtful2355 · 04/06/2023 20:21

Also most people have tried something like tinder/ online dating at least once -_-

Even I've gone on tinder and I didn't even need too as I was always being pursued for dates.

chezpopbang · 04/06/2023 20:26

So you liked him until he showed that he might be looking for some kind of commitment? Yet lots of women struggle to find a man to do this. Sometimes I wonder if this is why men feel like they can't win. My husband had lots of women say he was to keen before he met me. I never found him to keen. I just thought he was a nice guy who would take the time to text me back and want to see me not fuck me around. Just take him on his own merits. If you like him don't worry about what other people think.

NaNaNaNaNaNaBaNaNa · 04/06/2023 20:26

But you've lived here a while and presumably have friends and colleagues. He's new to the area and doesn't know anyone so using online dating to meet new people makes complete sense. Doesn't mean he's desperate or anything. 🤷🏻‍♀️

chupachucks · 04/06/2023 20:29

So what is the point of your post then OP. You have already decided that your far to superior for him or any other person that goes on online dating.

You sound shallow and a bit up yourself if I'm honest not good traits. Hopefully he finds some one alot more nicer than you.

Also care to enlighten MN why online dating is above your station.

IWonderWhereThatDishDidGo · 04/06/2023 20:31

Don't overreact. For all you know he's lying about never getting any interest because he's actually going on dates every night of the week and is lying to make you feel as if you're special... Hopefully not though!

Coolhwip · 04/06/2023 20:32

Nevs · 04/06/2023 20:08

Happy to accept I’m being unreasonable.

I guess it put me off because like I said I’ve never been on a dating site, never felt the need to and have never gone out my way to try to date. Which I guess is what he going.

This was the first date I’d been on in a while. Not from lack of offers, but because I’m quite choosey and not that bothered about meeting anyone.

He was a lovely guy in every other way but once I’m put off there’s no going back. Meh, can’t help how I feel I suppose 🤷🏻‍♀️

No worries, the thought of a future with 10 cats sounds rather lovely

If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it. Better to cut your losses now.

Can I just ask though, who asks you out?

I had to do online dating because although I was (am?!) attractive and had men flirt, hardly anyone asked me out.

BillyNoM8s · 04/06/2023 20:40

Nevs · 04/06/2023 20:08

Happy to accept I’m being unreasonable.

I guess it put me off because like I said I’ve never been on a dating site, never felt the need to and have never gone out my way to try to date. Which I guess is what he going.

This was the first date I’d been on in a while. Not from lack of offers, but because I’m quite choosey and not that bothered about meeting anyone.

He was a lovely guy in every other way but once I’m put off there’s no going back. Meh, can’t help how I feel I suppose 🤷🏻‍♀️

No worries, the thought of a future with 10 cats sounds rather lovely

So you were happy that he "finally" approached you at the gym, but not happy that he was actively looking to date? Surely if he wasn't looking to date then he wouldn't have bothered approaching you in the first place? Confused

I think you're being unnecessarily difficult and he was just expressing dismay at the horrors of online dating.

hotinthesun · 04/06/2023 20:58

my sisters partner said the same thing about OLD when they first meet she was laughing her head of about it his words not one message me back apart from one she was 72 there been together 3 years now hes a right laugh

SnugAsA · 04/06/2023 21:07

There's nothing wrong with not actively looking for someone to have a relationship with, but there's nothing wrong with seeking, especially if it's not happening on its own.

He wants a partner and is looking. What's weird about that? If it's important to him, why wait around and hope someone just falls into his lap?

YABU, but it's your life.

teezletangler · 05/06/2023 02:41

Do you actually want a relationship? It sounds like you don't, if you never actively look to date and aren't that bothered. I would say you are probably the exception here, not him.

AreYouKiddingAgain · 05/06/2023 02:51

It’s a first date and it didn’t go well. So what? That’s the point of dating: to see if you make a good couple. This one didn’t work out. Just forget about it and move on. No need to make a huge deal out of it.

JudgeRudy · 05/06/2023 03:05

What do you mean by desperate? If you were looking for a specific job and applied for vacancies would that be desperate? He's seen several women on line that he thought was worth a date. It's well known that men approach women FAR more women than women approach men. I've several male friends who've literally been online for over a year with very little success. Not bad dates. Just no dates.
If you prefer dating in real life maybe he thinks your the girl that nobody asked out if you're still single.
If you enjoyed your date, it seems an odd reason to not take things further, but as others have said, you can say no for any reason. If it's put you off, it's put you off but it's very unlikely that there's some bloke out there who wants you, and you alone, yet has offers from numerous women.

Tourmalines · 05/06/2023 03:32

It’s perceived perceptions . Because he said he couldn’t get any dates, you seem to think ,well ,you don’t want him now either . However if he told you he had tons of dates and offers , you would be wanting to hang onto him because you would be thinking you’ve won a lottery!

Lysianthus · 05/06/2023 03:42

Only read 20 or so replies but....I think he's had a lucky escape.

TeaAndTattoos · 05/06/2023 03:46

YABU and sound really shallow and treating him like he’s below you because he’s been on tinder it’s only online dating it’s not a crime. I think he’s dodged a bullet and I hope he finds someone that doesn’t look down their nose at him. You where more than happy to go on date with him before you found out about his lack of replies on tinder which has probably happened to us all at some point it doesn’t make him a bad person or desperate it just makes him nice and honest he shouldn’t only be good to date based off if he has women falling all over him it should be based off his personality etc. if that’s how you treat everyone then is it any wonder your single.

Imogensmumma · 05/06/2023 03:46

Yikes he dodged a bullet. How can someone actively wanting to be in a relationship be a bad thing or desperate….

I think you need to examine what you want in a relationship, I bet you would be more interested if he was the bad boy/ treated them mean keep of keen kind of guy.

You’ve met a guy who wants a relationship and you think that is strange it says more about you than him

TheseThree · 05/06/2023 04:12

Online dating is a horrible judge of whether a person would make a good partner. I totally won the jackpot with my husband - I met him dancing - and he had also had horrible luck with online dating (and I never gave it a shot). I’m glad I gave him/us a chance.

You don’t know why he was ignored online. Desperation is certainly a turn off to me, but I wouldn’t write someone off based on their online experience alone. Remember a second or even third date doesn’t need to (and shouldn’t) mean making a long term commitment.

evuscha · 05/06/2023 04:18

Yabu, if he’s nice in every other way I can’t imagine being put off by that. Many (most?) people actively try to date and online dating is a big part of it.

Sparklfairy · 05/06/2023 04:30

You sound really judgemental, like he somehow 'lowered himself' to online dating and you're too good to need or want to.

Maybe you should sign up. It might be an eye-opener for the ego!

ActDottie · 05/06/2023 04:39

Yep you’re shallow