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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and shallow for being put off him now he said this on our date?

119 replies

Nevs · 04/06/2023 19:04

I recently went on a date with a guy I met at the gym. I’d seen him a few times over the weeks, and thought he was good looking.

Finally he approached me and we exchanged numbers, texted for a bit, then arranged the date.

I was quite interested originally, until I met up with him. We were at the bar and he said he was happy to be on a date, as apparently, when he first moved here (he’s new to the area), he said he’d joined Tinder, and made a lot of “good matches”. He then said “But when I messaged them, none of them replied, not one”.

I have never been on a dating site. Not been on a date in a while either. I instantly felt like I’d won the prize that no one else wants, and that he’s probably a bit desperate trying to talk to a lot of women. I’m completely put off now.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sirius3030 · 05/06/2023 08:02

He is not Mr Perfect. Run for the hills. Lots of red flags.

AhNowTed · 05/06/2023 08:09

Sirius3030 · 05/06/2023 08:02

He is not Mr Perfect. Run for the hills. Lots of red flags.

Red flags? Where?

Loads of decent folks are on dating sites. There's nothing remotely wrong with it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/06/2023 08:12

I’ve been told by a lot of people that tinder is half fake profiles, or people no longer using tinder. So they might not have been there at all.

Also he might just not have been v imaginative as a pp has said. You can’t just message “hi”.

The only thing that seems odd is that he told you - and only you will know how it was said.

But you could think of it as you are more perceptive than others - finding an absolute gem that they couldn’t spot (if that’s what the turns out to be - using your own judgement and not that of others)

mincedtart · 05/06/2023 08:12

Er not all of us have used dating sites because we “needed” to. Some of us have very high sex drives and lack the patience to saunter round gyms until we find what we’re looking for 😂

arethereanyleftatall · 05/06/2023 08:14

Lol, a few people have got completely the wrong idea of dating sites!
They're used by people who don't lead a life which means they meet many people from the opposite sex - maybe they work from home, maybe they live remotely, maybe their hobbies are filled with people of their own sex - whatever - but they have no bearing on the calibre of the person! It's actually tickled me that some people thought they did. It's not only fans!

electriclight · 05/06/2023 08:15

I feel sad for him - trying to be honest and a bit vulnerable has really backfired.

But YABU because you've never used dating apps so have no idea how fickle it can all be. If you joined tomorrow, maybe you wouldn't get any matches either.

And 'the prize nobody wants' seems a bit off when you yourself are single and haven't been on a date for a long time.

It seems to me that you're both in a similar position except he's being proactive about meeting someone and you're not bothered.

But nothing will change your mind now of course.

Emmamoo89 · 05/06/2023 08:15

Yabu

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 05/06/2023 08:16

I thought OLD was really standard now (although I do think a return to real life singles meet ups would be a good idea). Didn't realise it still had stigma. How very 2005.

I agree you shouldn't put your life on hold for a relationship, but if you know you want one, I can't see what's so terrible about being proactive about it. It's how you would accomplish anything else.

MumblesParty · 05/06/2023 08:19

Well firstly, I thought online dating was pretty much the norm these days. Beautiful popular young people meet online all the time. Even glamorous celebrities do it!

And secondly, this man sounds perfectly fine. He’s clearly attractive, obviously open, honest and self deprecating. He was new to the area and did what many people would do - he went online to try and find a relationship. What’s wrong with that?

If you’re not feeling it OP, then no need to see him again, but don’t judge him got the tinder usage. I’m sure he won’t be single long, because he sounds nice.

MumblesParty · 05/06/2023 08:21

Sirius3030 · 05/06/2023 08:02

He is not Mr Perfect. Run for the hills. Lots of red flags.

I can’t see one single red flag!!

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 05/06/2023 08:25

Yanbu it seems he just wants a gf and it's irrelevant who it is.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 05/06/2023 08:26

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 05/06/2023 08:25

Yanbu it seems he just wants a gf and it's irrelevant who it is.

Where are you getting that from?

ShandaLear · 05/06/2023 08:29

Museya15 · 05/06/2023 07:18

AHH I'm taking it you're a millennial.

Stereotyping is my favourite.

knittingaddict · 05/06/2023 08:40

MumblesParty · 05/06/2023 08:21

I can’t see one single red flag!!

Show quote history

Nor me, and I see red flags EVERYWHERE.

Also online dating is a normal part of life for many, many people. My daughter met her lovely partner on one and they have been together for years now.

My other daughter tried and didn't met anyone decent. She met her partner irl instead.

They aren't for everyone, but if you rule out people who have used online dating then you rule out a lot of people.

Thelastofbus · 05/06/2023 08:41

I guess it put me off because like I said I’ve never been on a dating site, never felt the need to and have never gone out my way to try to date. Which I guess is what he going.

Yes but you are still single OP, and this guy doesn’t want to be single forever, so he’s making an effort. That’s totally normal. Lots of people are proactive about getting the things that they want.

HoneybeesAndBluebells · 05/06/2023 08:54

Honestly if that is enough to put you off dating someone when everything else went well then YABU.
Men in this day and age have no chance lol, guy was just being honest about his online dating experience.

Backstreets · 05/06/2023 08:57

Poor bloke. That's what being honest and self-deprecating will get you these days. And men are, literally, outmanned on online dating apps. There's always going to be more than us of them on there because they're made for men, not women, so I wouldn't give a man's lack of success on them a second thought. (They also make men act fucking insane which is why I'm personally scared of using tinder, but that's another topic for another day.)

MayThe4th · 05/06/2023 08:59

This was the first date I’d been on in a while. Not from lack of offers, but because I’m quite choosey and not that bothered about meeting anyone. god you sound full of yourself and you clearly think you’re better than everyone else. As if there are men chasing you all the time but you can just brush them off…

I would rather boil my own head than do OLD, and there are plenty of warnings against it on the relationships boards, but the fact is that a lot of people do do it, and that doesn’t make them beneath anyone who does.

AhNowTed · 05/06/2023 09:01

If this is a red flags then everything's a red flag.

FFS poor guy.

And how shallow are you OP.

Guy didn't get a swipe based on his profile alone. Zero to do with his personality or character.

Hankunamatata · 05/06/2023 09:01

I think it's normal. It's hard to be a new person in a new area and its duper hard to meet people. He was probably told by all friends to try online dating.

Nothing wrong with being choosy but if you liked him and like his personality I'd give it a other couple of dates to see if you click.

billy1966 · 05/06/2023 09:04

That's a pity you were put off.

Having moved to a new area, why wouldn't he try dating sites?

Would you prefer he trawled bars?

It can be very lonely when you move to a new place, brave, but lonely.

People make connections in lots of places.

BeverlyHa · 05/06/2023 09:10

Dating sites never work the same magic for everyone. I married my one and only ever and forever amazing husband through a website, he was the first man i messaged and had an interest with, the first i met up with the one who i got married with. One of my friends who was honestly always hot and amazing looking would post tons of images and profiles on dating websites and got only the crappies, not good looking, not solid, men and to this day and this is 20 years later she is single and keeps just meeting up with men. Life is life and it is not always us who dictate what happens

MsRosley · 05/06/2023 09:11

Online dating is notoriously shit for men. He mentioned this. So what?

LlynTegid · 05/06/2023 09:13

I'd be cautious and move slowly. Mentioning use of Tinder on a first date (or even at all unless asked) would set alarm bells ringing to me.

MumblesParty · 05/06/2023 09:17

LlynTegid · 05/06/2023 09:13

I'd be cautious and move slowly. Mentioning use of Tinder on a first date (or even at all unless asked) would set alarm bells ringing to me.

Why?