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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF or me being tight?

406 replies

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 11:15

Please can you help me decide? I've posted this on relationships but I'm putting it here for traffic! I've actually drafted the final WhatsApp saying how upset I was but given he's been a little star up until now I would welcome a few more opinions.......

I've been seeing someone for a few weeks. All has been great until Friday night when I felt properly sussed out financially. So for example, I was asked if a diamond ring I wear was real. Then, in the past when we've eaten out we've always bought drinks in rounds and taken turns on main courses of around 16 or 17 pounds. Last night I said it was my round, and suggested a different pub which was a bit more expensive just for a change but I was only expecting to have a main course (mine was £23, his £30.). He then proceeds to order 3 courses and extra drinks, the last of which he took 3 mouthfuls of the pint and said he didn't want it and didn't know why he'd ordered it so left it. Obviously I then picked up a bill of over £100 that I hadn't budgeted for. He knows its my son's birthday and my cars MOT and I'm paying for an overnight stay later in the month for us both, and although this is him coming along to help me with something I am funding the whole thing for both of us.

Am I just being tight here and if I invite him out I should be prepared for every eventuality 😆 or was that a bit cheeky?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:03

Twobyfour · 04/06/2023 15:55

It’s a bit soon after payday to be so skint and need to live off toast, what if your car needs repairs or a new tyre to get through the MOT?

That's my point, I'm not skint now but after I've forked out for everything I need to this month I will be by the end if it. Car only having its first MOT and had 2 new tyres and tracking done last month so not expecting a huge bill there!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:05

WhutWhutWhut · 04/06/2023 15:57

That's how it read tbh
Otherwise how is it relevant?

So even if the £100 was for a meal out and groceries it's still very tight.

Are you the OP who got into masses of debt with exH due to home improvements/ holidays/ funding surgery and thought their parent should give them money or waive a debt?

Show quote history

It's not even for groceries. Jesus I've just been to Aldi and spent more than that for the next four days!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:06

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:05

It's not even for groceries. Jesus I've just been to Aldi and spent more than that for the next four days!

Show quote history

And no I'm not. I have no debt apart from my car agreement and I'll pay the final £5k off at Xmas. Plus I'm funding my one parent currently but that's a whole other thread.

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 04/06/2023 16:07

Habreathmint · 04/06/2023 11:20

He's a cheeky bastard and a potential cock lodger. Run!

Eloquently expressed.

This is good advice - he's a tw@t.

BCBird · 04/06/2023 16:07

My furt thought is I would nit hsve hine out if money was tight avd woukd have simply explained. Secondly I do think he was being cheeky. Thirdly I would not indulge in tit for tat by doing the same to him. Fourthly I would revert to 50 50 in future and finally be careful that you don't end up forking out more. I been there and fone that. Not good. Resentment and several thousands of pounds later,I have learned my lesson. It creeps up on you and before you know it,u r the bank.

WhutWhutWhut · 04/06/2023 16:08

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:05

It's not even for groceries. Jesus I've just been to Aldi and spent more than that for the next four days!

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Why would you be eating toast then...

BCBird · 04/06/2023 16:08

Sorry for typos

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:09

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 04/06/2023 15:40

I'm afraid I'd be most definitely putting my sons birthday at the top of my list for my budget. Not prioritising a man I'd been seeing a few weeks 🙄

Agreed. But he's had a weeks skiing in Italy with school,a week in Germany and Holland with me and his brother, cadet camp, a trip to see 6 the musical, sky diving and laser quest since the first week of the Easter Holidays so he's hardly a deprived child!

OP posts:
OnTheTuftedWilton · 04/06/2023 16:09

I would check the cancellation policy of the hotel and if possible cancel it and go for a nearby less expensive Travelodge or Premier Inn. Then tell him you are more strapped for cash than you expected this month and so need to make this change to your night away (if he is decent it won't be an issue). Also for night away be very clear at outset on budgets for all meals and drinks.
Good luck!

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:10

WhutWhutWhut · 04/06/2023 16:08

Why would you be eating toast then...

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Because its a figure of speech when you've got a heavy month financially! I've got Aldi Katsu curry for Dinner 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:11

OnTheTuftedWilton · 04/06/2023 16:09

I would check the cancellation policy of the hotel and if possible cancel it and go for a nearby less expensive Travelodge or Premier Inn. Then tell him you are more strapped for cash than you expected this month and so need to make this change to your night away (if he is decent it won't be an issue). Also for night away be very clear at outset on budgets for all meals and drinks.
Good luck!

Thank you. I'm thinking Lymm truck stop now and not Knutsford 🤣 x

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 04/06/2023 16:11

OnTheTuftedWilton · 04/06/2023 16:09

I would check the cancellation policy of the hotel and if possible cancel it and go for a nearby less expensive Travelodge or Premier Inn. Then tell him you are more strapped for cash than you expected this month and so need to make this change to your night away (if he is decent it won't be an issue). Also for night away be very clear at outset on budgets for all meals and drinks.
Good luck!

This.

No way would I be "treating" this tosser to a luxury night away. (Get separate beds, too.)

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:12

BCBird · 04/06/2023 16:07

My furt thought is I would nit hsve hine out if money was tight avd woukd have simply explained. Secondly I do think he was being cheeky. Thirdly I would not indulge in tit for tat by doing the same to him. Fourthly I would revert to 50 50 in future and finally be careful that you don't end up forking out more. I been there and fone that. Not good. Resentment and several thousands of pounds later,I have learned my lesson. It creeps up on you and before you know it,u r the bank.

Yes thank you xxxx I've been there before so have no desire to return 😉

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 16:12

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:10

Because its a figure of speech when you've got a heavy month financially! I've got Aldi Katsu curry for Dinner 🤣

Show quote history

It very much read like you meant it literally Hmm

WhutWhutWhut · 04/06/2023 16:13

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:10

Because its a figure of speech when you've got a heavy month financially! I've got Aldi Katsu curry for Dinner 🤣

Show quote history

Not always
Many people are relying on food banks atm.
I think you need to look at how you come across, check what you post and improve your communication!
Literally everything you are now back tracking on is there in your OP!
I'm out !

WhutWhutWhut · 04/06/2023 16:14

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 16:12

It very much read like you meant it literally Hmm

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Yes OP is back pedalling very fast !

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:15

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 16:12

It very much read like you meant it literally Hmm

Show quote history

I am loving the way this has turned from me asking if I'm dating a CF to an in depth analysis of my finances! Noone will starve, it will just be tighter than I envisaged because I spent more on a meal than I wanted. I'm more bothered about the behaviour of my guest tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:16

WhutWhutWhut · 04/06/2023 16:14

Yes OP is back pedalling very fast !

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She isn't. Surely everyone says I'll be living on toast when they mean they'll have less to play with than they thought?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:17

WhutWhutWhut · 04/06/2023 16:13

Not always
Many people are relying on food banks atm.
I think you need to look at how you come across, check what you post and improve your communication!
Literally everything you are now back tracking on is there in your OP!
I'm out !

Show quote history

I'm delighted, thank you!

OP posts:
Beaujolaisqueen · 04/06/2023 16:17

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 14:55

In short, I'm just too well brought up to ask for money now, I said it would be my treat and so it was. Just because I have nice things doesn't mean that I should be taken for a mug though? And it's not a weekend away, he's helping me move my stuff back home and as part of that gets a night away in a nice hotel in Cheshire. I'm not holding it against him it's just that obviously he's aware of my expenditure this month!

And now I've really outed myself and I'm going to have to change my username 🤣

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I don’t think it’s anything to do with how you were brought up, perhaps if you were brought up to have better boundaries and stand up for yourself it wouldn’t have got this far?

I know he’s ‘helping you’ but to me this does sound like you’re footing the bill for a night away. I’m guessing he’s helping you move house or similar? So you could just as easily stay in a travel lodge or do a day trip? It sort of sounds like a weekend away with a bit of shifting boxes.

Youve also said later on that in half term your DC has been on numerous activities like skiing and to a show and that you’re not actually eating toast but just having to cut back a bit. I’m not having a go at you, there’s nothing wrong with that but I think you might be portraying the image that the money was fine especially as you didn’t saying anything. If the guy is a good match in other ways I think it would be too soon to cut him out when it could just be crossed wires.

DontBePassiveAggresive · 04/06/2023 16:20

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/06/2023 12:08

It’s really up to you how you feel about it. Though I think if you only intended for you each to have a main course and one drink then you should have said so when he began ordering. You can’t expect somebody to read your mind. If you usually take turns and this was your turn then presumably it’s his turn next and if you fancy three courses then you can have them.

This.

How was he to know you didn't budget for three courses?

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:21

Beaujolaisqueen · 04/06/2023 16:17

I don’t think it’s anything to do with how you were brought up, perhaps if you were brought up to have better boundaries and stand up for yourself it wouldn’t have got this far?

I know he’s ‘helping you’ but to me this does sound like you’re footing the bill for a night away. I’m guessing he’s helping you move house or similar? So you could just as easily stay in a travel lodge or do a day trip? It sort of sounds like a weekend away with a bit of shifting boxes.

Youve also said later on that in half term your DC has been on numerous activities like skiing and to a show and that you’re not actually eating toast but just having to cut back a bit. I’m not having a go at you, there’s nothing wrong with that but I think you might be portraying the image that the money was fine especially as you didn’t saying anything. If the guy is a good match in other ways I think it would be too soon to cut him out when it could just be crossed wires.

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You are absolutely right, thank you. I was brought up to be a people pleaser and ladylike and submissive. I can actually hear my dad saying 'it's the look of the thing!' In my head in situations like this x

OP posts:
PuddlesPityParty · 04/06/2023 16:21

🙄

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:22

Beaujolaisqueen · 04/06/2023 16:17

I don’t think it’s anything to do with how you were brought up, perhaps if you were brought up to have better boundaries and stand up for yourself it wouldn’t have got this far?

I know he’s ‘helping you’ but to me this does sound like you’re footing the bill for a night away. I’m guessing he’s helping you move house or similar? So you could just as easily stay in a travel lodge or do a day trip? It sort of sounds like a weekend away with a bit of shifting boxes.

Youve also said later on that in half term your DC has been on numerous activities like skiing and to a show and that you’re not actually eating toast but just having to cut back a bit. I’m not having a go at you, there’s nothing wrong with that but I think you might be portraying the image that the money was fine especially as you didn’t saying anything. If the guy is a good match in other ways I think it would be too soon to cut him out when it could just be crossed wires.

Show quote history

Yes, he is helping me move all my big furniture across the country. I'll look at travel lodges I think 😉 thank you x

OP posts:
EasterBreak · 04/06/2023 16:22

Yabu you should have said if he was limited to 1 or 2 courses.