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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF or me being tight?

406 replies

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 11:15

Please can you help me decide? I've posted this on relationships but I'm putting it here for traffic! I've actually drafted the final WhatsApp saying how upset I was but given he's been a little star up until now I would welcome a few more opinions.......

I've been seeing someone for a few weeks. All has been great until Friday night when I felt properly sussed out financially. So for example, I was asked if a diamond ring I wear was real. Then, in the past when we've eaten out we've always bought drinks in rounds and taken turns on main courses of around 16 or 17 pounds. Last night I said it was my round, and suggested a different pub which was a bit more expensive just for a change but I was only expecting to have a main course (mine was £23, his £30.). He then proceeds to order 3 courses and extra drinks, the last of which he took 3 mouthfuls of the pint and said he didn't want it and didn't know why he'd ordered it so left it. Obviously I then picked up a bill of over £100 that I hadn't budgeted for. He knows its my son's birthday and my cars MOT and I'm paying for an overnight stay later in the month for us both, and although this is him coming along to help me with something I am funding the whole thing for both of us.

Am I just being tight here and if I invite him out I should be prepared for every eventuality 😆 or was that a bit cheeky?

OP posts:
Hopelesscynic · 04/06/2023 16:23

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/06/2023 12:08

It’s really up to you how you feel about it. Though I think if you only intended for you each to have a main course and one drink then you should have said so when he began ordering. You can’t expect somebody to read your mind. If you usually take turns and this was your turn then presumably it’s his turn next and if you fancy three courses then you can have them.

Yeah.. Bet he never orders a 3 course when it's his turn🙄

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 16:24

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:15

I am loving the way this has turned from me asking if I'm dating a CF to an in depth analysis of my finances! Noone will starve, it will just be tighter than I envisaged because I spent more on a meal than I wanted. I'm more bothered about the behaviour of my guest tbh.

Show quote history

You're the one who brought it up lol.

And no, I wouldn't say (repeatedly) that I'd have to live off toast for the rest of the month unless that was what I actually meant Confused

StellaLaBella · 04/06/2023 16:24

I think he was really ill mannered to do what he did, and it shows that he is either ignorant or greedy. Instant ick.

If you want to keep going, definitely rebook in to a Travel Lodge and work him like a dog for the weekend 😂

And I've no idea why everyone is hyper focusing on the toast comment. Erm, ok. Who GAF? 🙄

Stratocumulus · 04/06/2023 16:25

mainsfed · 04/06/2023 11:58

YANBU. Have one more meal with him at his expense, order 3 courses and lots of drinks. Don’t finish one drink.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Then dump him.

Love this! This is what I’d do! LoL. 🙄

Delatron · 04/06/2023 16:30

The point is you’re expecting him to know that the surgery, the paying for the night away, the birthday, the MOT have left you short of money.

Unless you’ve specifically said so? Then that’s not what he’s picking up. You suggested a more expensive pub than normal, you offered to pay for a night away. The impression isn’t that you will be living on toast now. Unless you’ve told him that.

Then he may have said ‘let’s go to the cheaper place’ or ‘let’s just have drinks’

I’m still unsure of him but he could just assume you have lots of spare cash and are happy to treat him.

OhComeOnFFS · 04/06/2023 16:32

Do you have anyone else who could help you move? I hate to think of him having a stay in a lovely hotel at your expense on top of that meal.

If you only have him to help you, could you switch to a Premier Inn and just tell him you spent too much on the meal so you now can't afford that hotel?

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:34

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 16:24

You're the one who brought it up lol.

And no, I wouldn't say (repeatedly) that I'd have to live off toast for the rest of the month unless that was what I actually meant Confused

Show quote history

Do you never use other expressions such as I was dead to the world if you were asleep and miss a call, or whatever? I'm living off toast, or beans on toast is a saying round here that means I've spent too much. I thought everyone knew that????

OP posts:
MyAnacondaMight · 04/06/2023 16:35

Switch the fancy hotel to a Travelodge, pack sandwiches for the road, and go out for fish and chips. Explain that it’s balancing out his blow out at the pub the other week.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:36

Delatron · 04/06/2023 16:30

The point is you’re expecting him to know that the surgery, the paying for the night away, the birthday, the MOT have left you short of money.

Unless you’ve specifically said so? Then that’s not what he’s picking up. You suggested a more expensive pub than normal, you offered to pay for a night away. The impression isn’t that you will be living on toast now. Unless you’ve told him that.

Then he may have said ‘let’s go to the cheaper place’ or ‘let’s just have drinks’

I’m still unsure of him but he could just assume you have lots of spare cash and are happy to treat him.

No I did say that it was going to be a tight one this month. And the night away is him helping me move so I have to pay really!

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 04/06/2023 16:36

Yes, everyone does know that, OP, don't worry. The problem is that you put this in AIBU and frankly there are some really nasty people who like nothing better than to hurt posters, especially those who mention money.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:36

MyAnacondaMight · 04/06/2023 16:35

Switch the fancy hotel to a Travelodge, pack sandwiches for the road, and go out for fish and chips. Explain that it’s balancing out his blow out at the pub the other week.

I'm liking this and the previous posters who have said similar 😉 xx

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 16:37

OhComeOnFFS · 04/06/2023 16:36

Yes, everyone does know that, OP, don't worry. The problem is that you put this in AIBU and frankly there are some really nasty people who like nothing better than to hurt posters, especially those who mention money.

There are some interesting attitudes, but I did ask the question 🤣 thank you for your kindness xxxx

OP posts:
Nanaof1 · 04/06/2023 16:40

Curseofthenation · 04/06/2023 11:55

I think it's always better to go 50/50 rather than take turns personally as it feels more fair. Obviously it doesn't always work out completely fair but seems to stop the CFs from pushing things as far.

In terms of this guy, I would ditch him. He clearly thinks he has found a meal ticket.

I agree. The 50/50 split works better because then, when the OP wants to splurge, she can and when she wants to watch it, she can. It also makes the other person think about what they want to spend since they have to pay for it.

In this case though, he sounds like a total twit and OP needs to leave him on the side of the road and drive off knowing she dodged a wiener.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/06/2023 16:44

🧐

winelove · 04/06/2023 16:46

When you go away, make sure he pays for dinner. Say i have paid the hotel are you happy to foot the bill for dinner.

meercat23 · 04/06/2023 16:46

Mumsnet used to be a great place for getting other viewpoints and ideas. Now it seems inhabited (infested?!) with people who only seem interested in picking holes in the OP and looking to trip them up. Some parts of this thread illustrate that perfectly.

Mumof4alsoabonus · 04/06/2023 16:47

Hmm as I one off I might give the benefit of the doubt, but with caution. It’s his turn next, let’s see how he plays it. You are only together a few weeks so maybe he just didn’t want to look greedy before, rather than it being financial. Maybe just a hungry day. At the very least it was thoughtless though.
If everything was good other than this I would do a wait and see, but protect yourself so it doesn’t happen again, which may mean speaking up. If he is a cf be glad you found out quickly and relatively cheaply.

Coffeepot72 · 04/06/2023 16:47

meercat23 · 04/06/2023 16:46

Mumsnet used to be a great place for getting other viewpoints and ideas. Now it seems inhabited (infested?!) with people who only seem interested in picking holes in the OP and looking to trip them up. Some parts of this thread illustrate that perfectly.

Definitely!

Indoorcatmum · 04/06/2023 16:48

I don't know any man that would do that. You both clearly have a routine for your dates and he massively deviated from that.

He could have said "I fancy three courses, let's split this bill" or "I fancy three courses, I'll get this one".

I don't think it's a miscommunication, I think it's bad manners and at the very least shows no social awareness (same for asking re your ring).

I personally don't think it sounds like you are compatible and I think that these are red flags. They might be small, but imo they speak of a general personality on his part.

I don't think you have done anything wrong and I definitely don't think you should ask for the money now (it's classless) but I WOULD be ending things.

I would use the money you would have spent taking him making with you and hire someone at each end to help you back. There's not of young people who would love cash for a few hours.

mondaytosunday · 04/06/2023 16:49

Well next time it's his turn. I think you made assumptions and he's not to know you had a budget in mind or was only planning on a main. Unless he's been tight when it's his turn to pay I'm not sure that this means anything.

Nanaof1 · 04/06/2023 16:49

honeylulu · 04/06/2023 12:49

Some posters have said it's not a big deal just because one meal happened to be more expensive and you shouldn't set "rules" without being clear. But here there has been an accepted course of dealings until now where drink rounds are alternated and meals have always been main course only. So it's he who has changed the status quo AND in the context that you made clear money was tight for you. Best case is he's been thoughtless and if pulled up politely he will realise and address it. Worst case is that he's a CF and wilfully took from you, perhaps thinking "she has nice things for herself so she can damn well spend on me too". I think you should address it as the response will confirm which position applies. Then use the information to act accordingly. If you aren't dumping him is strongly suggest you clarify how meals and drinks will be funded on the trip away as the "gift" element from you is the accommodation.

That's a good idea. Let him know that meals and drinks are each person's own responsibility, or he'll be ordering room service bottles of booze and lobster, then letting it sit. The room is treat enough.

Hopelesscynic · 04/06/2023 16:49

Hi OP, I think you have a right to be upset! He knew things were tight for you. The 'Norm' is actually irrelevant here. Even if you'd ordered 3 courses every time till now, he should have shown consideration for you.
For posters saying you should have "set a limit", seriously I've never done this going out with friends, family or dates - goes without saying that people have the common sense and manners to not order lavishly on someone else's dime (regardless of that person's financial situation). That guy is a prick, 100%.
If I were you OP, I'd do this: I wouldn't ask for half or anything BUT as soon as he suggest going out again (even if it's his turn to pay), I'd tell him that unfortunately last time the meal was way more expensive than usual and you hadn't budgeted; that you simply cannot afford going out again this month and moving forward cannot afford paying for 3 course meals. See how he responds to that, it would be very telling. But I'd bin him anyway if I were you - it's only been 3 weeks, don't get sucked in with him any further.

JustAboutHangingInThere · 04/06/2023 16:53

I very much see it as an unwritten rule. If someone else is paying you dont got mad with ordering. It's not good manners. It's also super awkward to confront, I feel your pain with that one - fellow people pleaser here.

OP, your spidey sense is tingling for a reason.

And yes I have used toast expression!

You've had good advice about your trip to move your furniture. Maybe see how that goes.

Good luck!

SummerSimmer · 04/06/2023 16:58

I thought the toast or baked beans on toast was a widely used expression.

applebee33 · 04/06/2023 16:59

Reading some of the replies to op , you need to get a life some of you ! She asked about a Cf not looking for a run down on how she's pays for her kids etc
This side of Mumsnet leaves me aghast at people attitudes !
He does sound like a CF op but I'd see what happens next time if you do really like him