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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF or me being tight?

406 replies

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 11:15

Please can you help me decide? I've posted this on relationships but I'm putting it here for traffic! I've actually drafted the final WhatsApp saying how upset I was but given he's been a little star up until now I would welcome a few more opinions.......

I've been seeing someone for a few weeks. All has been great until Friday night when I felt properly sussed out financially. So for example, I was asked if a diamond ring I wear was real. Then, in the past when we've eaten out we've always bought drinks in rounds and taken turns on main courses of around 16 or 17 pounds. Last night I said it was my round, and suggested a different pub which was a bit more expensive just for a change but I was only expecting to have a main course (mine was £23, his £30.). He then proceeds to order 3 courses and extra drinks, the last of which he took 3 mouthfuls of the pint and said he didn't want it and didn't know why he'd ordered it so left it. Obviously I then picked up a bill of over £100 that I hadn't budgeted for. He knows its my son's birthday and my cars MOT and I'm paying for an overnight stay later in the month for us both, and although this is him coming along to help me with something I am funding the whole thing for both of us.

Am I just being tight here and if I invite him out I should be prepared for every eventuality 😆 or was that a bit cheeky?

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 04/06/2023 15:24

I would tell him you have to stay in for rest of month as you are skint after that meal- see what he says- I haven't dated for over 27 years as married but I did used to be very upfront about finances really early on as I too had a couple of experiences like this. Initially I felt awkward but actually it was fine once I had done it a few times

user1471538283 · 04/06/2023 15:25

If you usually do not have 3 courses and then take turns buying drinks he knew he was taking advantage. I would get rid of him.

If you still want to continue get a refund on the nice hotel and tell him you will pay for a budget hotel. I wouldn't trust him not to drink the mini bar and all the treats.

Pansypotter123 · 04/06/2023 15:25

When are you next seeing him? Has he been in touch since?

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 15:29

blueigloo · 04/06/2023 15:11

You’re having a “tight” month and finances are already stretched; why did you offer to pay for 2 to dine at expensive restaurants? It does not make sense. If I have a broken leg, I’m not going to try to run a marathon as there’s a conflict of interest. I might cause myself inconvenience. Likewise, this bill is a side effect of you making unwise decisions.

If £50 is enough to mean you can’t eat for the rest of the month, you should not have gone out to eat at all. Let alone somewhere pricy to impress your date. Weirdly, you said the ring gave him a false impression of your finances, which you could fix by being honest. But you indicated that you’re hesitant to be honest with him. You're attempting to continue portraying that you’re well off, when you’re not! It doesn’t make you less of a person if you can’t afford something.

He’s testing your boundaries and your lack of a voice is leading to the resulting impact. I can just see issues if this became a fully fledged relationship.

Erm, I'm not attempting to be anything I'm not, and please see above where I've answered those questions before!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 15:31

Pansypotter123 · 04/06/2023 15:25

When are you next seeing him? Has he been in touch since?

Yes we spoke this morning. Probably Thursday x

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 15:32

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 14:59

But it was never meant to be a fancy meal! That's my whole bloody point! 😁

Show quote history

If you're struggling financially to the extent that you now have to live off toast for the rest of the month, you probably shouldn't have offered to take him out to a pub that charges £23+ for a main meal.

If someone offered to take me to somewhere like that, I wouldn't assume they were having any kind of money worries.

SnugAsA · 04/06/2023 15:37

I'm not interested in a man who wants a woman to pay his way or more than her own share. Maybe that's old-fashioned, but... I don't care. I don't like it!

It's also just rude to order more than you can eat/drink when someone else is paying, and I'd never order something significantly more expensive than what the host ordered, unless they suggested it.

WhutWhutWhut · 04/06/2023 15:37

Totally agree with those saying why are you eating out if you have £100 to fund the rest of the month, an MOT ( what if it needs work?)and a birthday Confused and for food??

That doesn't add up let alone a meal out.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 04/06/2023 15:40

I'm afraid I'd be most definitely putting my sons birthday at the top of my list for my budget. Not prioritising a man I'd been seeing a few weeks 🙄

schnauzerbeard · 04/06/2023 15:45

If mains were £30 each and you bought the first round you would have spent £75 anyway so you only spent £25 over what you budgeted for?

kittensinthekitchen · 04/06/2023 15:45

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 12:20

I know ☹️ I'm not very good at that sort of conversation though. I need to get better!

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Well, yes, if you're going to let someone put their dick inside you, you surely must be able to communicate with them!

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 15:47

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 04/06/2023 15:40

I'm afraid I'd be most definitely putting my sons birthday at the top of my list for my budget. Not prioritising a man I'd been seeing a few weeks 🙄

Have you actually read my posts?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 15:48

schnauzerbeard · 04/06/2023 15:45

If mains were £30 each and you bought the first round you would have spent £75 anyway so you only spent £25 over what you budgeted for?

My main wasn't £30.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 15:48

WhutWhutWhut · 04/06/2023 15:37

Totally agree with those saying why are you eating out if you have £100 to fund the rest of the month, an MOT ( what if it needs work?)and a birthday Confused and for food??

That doesn't add up let alone a meal out.

Where on earth have you got that from? 😳 thats not what I said at all?

OP posts:
blueigloo · 04/06/2023 15:49

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 15:29

Erm, I'm not attempting to be anything I'm not, and please see above where I've answered those questions before!

Show quote history

Right. The sequence of events outlined by you are:

1.You think he has the impression that you’re well off based on your “previous life” (as you refer to it)
2.You have done nothing to correct his opinion and just go along with it to save face, hence picking up a £100+ bill

Don’t you realise that by not being honest about your finances, you’re maintaining the facade he has of you? And stretching your finances unnecessarily. If he knew £50 is all it takes to make or break you, he may have done things differently even if it was covering the same bill. Grown ups communicate about these things.

WhutWhutWhut · 04/06/2023 15:51

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 15:48

Where on earth have you got that from? 😳 thats not what I said at all?

Show quote history

He knows its my son's birthday and my cars MOT and I'm paying for an overnight stay later in the month for us both, and although this is him coming along to help me with something I am funding the whole thing for both of us

Here?

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 15:51

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 15:32

If you're struggling financially to the extent that you now have to live off toast for the rest of the month, you probably shouldn't have offered to take him out to a pub that charges £23+ for a main meal.

If someone offered to take me to somewhere like that, I wouldn't assume they were having any kind of money worries.

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Tbf it was based on geography. When I realised I wasn't overly concerned as I was basing my sums on 2 x £22 mains plus a pint of lager shandy and a diet coke, so a little over £50.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 15:52

WhutWhutWhut · 04/06/2023 15:51

He knows its my son's birthday and my cars MOT and I'm paying for an overnight stay later in the month for us both, and although this is him coming along to help me with something I am funding the whole thing for both of us

Here?

Show quote history

But at no point did I say I only had £100 to cover all those things.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 15:53

blueigloo · 04/06/2023 15:49

Right. The sequence of events outlined by you are:

1.You think he has the impression that you’re well off based on your “previous life” (as you refer to it)
2.You have done nothing to correct his opinion and just go along with it to save face, hence picking up a £100+ bill

Don’t you realise that by not being honest about your finances, you’re maintaining the facade he has of you? And stretching your finances unnecessarily. If he knew £50 is all it takes to make or break you, he may have done things differently even if it was covering the same bill. Grown ups communicate about these things.

Show quote history

Agreed. Which is obviously where I need to get better at dealing with being put on the spot!

OP posts:
SummerSimmer · 04/06/2023 15:53

It doesn’t sound as if you are compatible and also if money is tight stick to drink only drinks and eat beforehand.

Original poster
TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 15:54

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 15:53

Agreed. Which is obviously where I need to get better at dealing with being put on the spot!

Show quote history

But there is no facade as you put it. He does know the score re no longer owning my own home etc.

OP posts:
Twobyfour · 04/06/2023 15:55

It’s a bit soon after payday to be so skint and need to live off toast, what if your car needs repairs or a new tyre to get through the MOT?

adriftinadenofvipers · 04/06/2023 15:55

If you said it was your treat, and didn't talk about any conditions on it, then I think you kind of have to suck that up? He does seem to have gone to town at your expense, but I don't think it's necessarily a dealbreaker just yet?

I'd probably say that you really enjoyed the night out and now it's his turn to treat you! If he does, then going forward, you go 50-50. If he doesn't, then you have your answer.

WhutWhutWhut · 04/06/2023 15:57

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 15:52

But at no point did I say I only had £100 to cover all those things.

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That's how it read tbh
Otherwise how is it relevant?

So even if the £100 was for a meal out and groceries it's still very tight.

Are you the OP who got into masses of debt with exH due to home improvements/ holidays/ funding surgery and thought their parent should give them money or waive a debt?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/06/2023 16:00

TheSnootiestFox · 04/06/2023 15:51

Tbf it was based on geography. When I realised I wasn't overly concerned as I was basing my sums on 2 x £22 mains plus a pint of lager shandy and a diet coke, so a little over £50.

Show quote history

But £50 is clearly still a considerable amount of money to you as you're now in a position where you'll need to live off toast for the rest of the month.

I think you need to do free/cheap dates for a while.