CF or me being tight?

[TheSnootiestFox]

Please can you help me decide? I've posted this on relationships but I'm putting it here for traffic! I've actually drafted the final WhatsApp saying how upset I was but given he's been a little star up until now I would welcome a few more opinions.......

I've been seeing someone for a few weeks. All has been great until Friday night when I felt properly sussed out financially. So for example, I was asked if a diamond ring I wear was real. Then, in the past when we've eaten out we've always bought drinks in rounds and taken turns on main courses of around 16 or 17 pounds. Last night I said it was my round, and suggested a different pub which was a bit more expensive just for a change but I was only expecting to have a main course (mine was £23, his £30.). He then proceeds to order 3 courses and extra drinks, the last of which he took 3 mouthfuls of the pint and said he didn't want it and didn't know why he'd ordered it so left it. Obviously I then picked up a bill of over £100 that I hadn't budgeted for. He knows its my son's birthday and my cars MOT and I'm paying for an overnight stay later in the month for us both, and although this is him coming along to help me with something I am funding the whole thing for both of us.

Am I just being tight here and if I invite him out I should be prepared for every eventuality 😆 or was that a bit cheeky?

Never asked men out, never suggested places to go and never paid on dates. Wouldn’t date a man like this in a million years.

He doesn’t sound great to be honest.

However, he may have got the wrong impression when you suggested the more expensive place. And from your view telling him about your expensive surgery = I’m now short of cash. He could just see it as you have spare ££ to spend on surgery so must be doing ok.

I wouldn’t ask for half now and I wouldn’t have said anything at the time as you did suggest the place. However, he didn’t act great, it’s just cheeky to order all those extra drinks and food when you don’t normally. He also should have seen the bill and offered to chip in if it was so much more than normal.

So you can either ditch him now. Or give him one last try when you go out - maybe he’s thinking ‘I’ll treat her to somewhere really nice’. I mean maybe not and it might not be worth your while to continue.

It will be hard for him to come back from this I think.

He’s testing you.

this guy is BAD NEWS, either a cocklodger or a manipulative abusive arsehole. Course I could be wrong, and he just has absolutely no manners

which in itself is good enough a reason to end this

dont throw good money after bad, cancel the overnight thing, don’t waste any more time on this one. Throw it back.

I just don’t understand why you don’t message him now and ask for half? I’m not being goady but if it’s really bothering you it’s not healthy to bottle these things, you need to set boundaries.

To be honest given that you suggested a more expensive place, and that when he ordered multiple courses so did you, and that you have nice jewellery/are paying for a weekend away, AND that when the waitress came you didn’t say then and there that you would split, I can see why this might be a miscommunication. In which case you could potentially just resolve it by asking for half?

@TheSnootiestFox I’m a little confused here. Are there any other examples or is this it? He asked if a diamond ring was real and ordered more than he usually does at a slightly more expensive restaurant that you chose?

If that’s it, I think YABU. It’s unfortunate it cost you more but by your own admission you were too embarrassed to say anything. You could have nipped it in the bud easily by saying something like ‘oh shall we split this one as it’s a bit more than we usually spend?’

I think it’s a bit unfair of everyone to jump to the conclusion that he is a CF or potential cocklodger. Sounds to me like he’s just someone enjoying a nice meal with a girl he’s enjoying getting to know. As you’ve paid this time is it his turn to pay next time? Maybe something similar will happen then to even things out?

I'm not usually one to just give men the benefit of the doubt, but could it be he massively mis-understood the offer of a slightly classier place? I'd never assume that someone who invited me anywhere where a fairly standard main was 20-30 was at a place where 50-70 would massively impact them: because I'd expect to be offered something more in my price range (15-20). Maybe he assumed as you'd 'up-ed the ante' with the place, you were looking for a "good night out"?

I'd mention being short a little for the mot without linking it to dinner and seeing how he responds: even offering to lend you £20 is probably a keeper.

They could be red flags but it could be a misunderstanding, especially if he has more money than you so doesn't think about budgeting so much.

The question about the ring was most likely making conversation rather than sussing you out. Some people think it's rude to ask about money, others don't. Given that he knows you drive a Dacia and live in a rented house, that probably tells him more about your financial situation. I doubt he is going to think you are secretly rich beause you have a diamond ring so I would assume that wasn't why he was asking.

If you've asked him to go away for the weekend to do you a favour and offered to pay, some people would offer to chip in, others wouldn't as they feel their contribution is the favour. I'm not sure you can hold it against him for accepting your offer.

I think the meal out was as much on you as him. If you're in the pattern of taking it in turns to pay and this time you wanted to splurge on a more expensive place, then you are giving out the message that you can afford to treat yourself. You could have asked for tap water instead of bottled water. You could have spoken up and suggested just getting just a main but you just ordered the same as him. You could have suggested splitting the bill. You have no idea whether his intention was to take you for a ride and spend your money or his intention is to reciprocate in the future.

Personally, as you say everything else was great about him, I would note the potential red flags and give him the chance to reciprocate before you make a decision. You could test out his intention by telling him how much you enjoyed it and would love to do it again. If he says he would like to, tell him it will be a while before you can afford it again and see whether he offers to chip in for last time or says that next time it is on him. Or tell him you had an amazing time but are regretting it now because you've had an unexpected bill. See if he offers to pay his share.

I just got my husbands pov , he says he would never have ordered like he did at the restaurant and thinks he was sussing out your rings value , he thinks cheeky f.
I'm not so sure but err on the side of suspicion.

In short, I'm just too well brought up to ask for money now, I said it would be my treat and so it was. Just because I have nice things doesn't mean that I should be taken for a mug though? And it's not a weekend away, he's helping me move my stuff back home and as part of that gets a night away in a nice hotel in Cheshire. I'm not holding it against him it's just that obviously he's aware of my expenditure this month!

And now I've really outed myself and I'm going to have to change my username 🤣

Thank you x this was also my gut feeling sadly!

You shouldn't be putting yourself in this position at all if you're now eating toast for the rest of the month. Even if the meal was half the price you still can't afford meals out. I dont see an issue with a fancy meal for 2 and drinks being £109, that's normal. Maybe you're on different pages.

Not relationship material. Please do as possible suggest, say next time as he enjoyed the food at the fancy place you should go there again. Do as he did and see his reaction. Then dump him.

@TheSnootiestFox essentially a solid relationship needs good communication ability to be honest and open. You’re unable to speak up and so remain quiet despite knowing it’ll adversely financially impact. Say you two move in together are a couple, when will you speak up or will you remain quiet. what if he has different views regard children behaviour and chastisement. Will you speak up? You need to find your voice and use it,advocate for yourself and your children.

I couldn't suggest splitting the bill as I'd already said it was my treat? And as I said above, I'm not holding a night away against him just using it as an example of what he knows I've got to fund in the near future!

I do think it is at best a bit odd. I would expect people to take the lead from who is paying the bill when ordering with regards to whether to order a starter, or for example if they were ordering a happy hour pizza I wouldn't go for the steak.

But it was never meant to be a fancy meal! That's my whole bloody point! 😁

Completely nailed it.

Can’t believe anyone would think this is ok, at best he was thoughtless and a bit rude - at worst he is a serious CF.

Maybe see how the next date goes though before you decide if he’s a keeper, I personally wouldn’t ask for any money at this stage though, write if off to experience and never let it happen again.

Do let us know what happens next😀

Why not suggest the next two nights are on him as you spent so much on that one meal. It's not like asking him for money but if he goes along with it, then it equals out. If he complains, or refuses, then you definitely have your answer.

You’re having a “tight” month and finances are already stretched; why did you offer to pay for 2 to dine at expensive restaurants? It does not make sense. If I have a broken leg, I’m not going to try to run a marathon as there’s a conflict of interest. I might cause myself inconvenience. Likewise, this bill is a side effect of you making unwise decisions.

If £50 is enough to mean you can’t eat for the rest of the month, you should not have gone out to eat at all. Let alone somewhere pricy to impress your date. Weirdly, you said the ring gave him a false impression of your finances, which you could fix by being honest. But you indicated that you’re hesitant to be honest with him. You're attempting to continue portraying that you’re well off, when you’re not! It doesn’t make you less of a person if you can’t afford something.

He’s testing your boundaries and your lack of a voice is leading to the resulting impact. I can just see issues if this became a fully fledged relationship.

That would be the beginning of the end for me.

I’ve got a very close family member who when I’d announced that I would treat them at the end of a meal and, therefore, that I would be paying the whole bill said,
“I would have ordered more if I’d known you were paying”.

Another time, they also decided that I would be paying towards another family member’s restaurant bill (we all have jobs) whilst I had nipped to the ladies. When I returned to the table to pay my share, they had already paid and I was left to foot the remainder of the bill, unless I wanted to kick up a fuss and embarrass us all.

I’m now very vocal and upfront with these type of people when ordering and when the bill arrives. It’s harder to manage when eating out in a large group, but much much easier if you’re only splitting the bill two ways. Learn to speak up at the time.

He should have done the decent thing when the bill arrived and proactively offered or in fact insisted that he pay for the extra courses he had and his share of the drinks.

Please don’t take any cards or just take a set amount of cash with you when (if) you next go out with him when it is his turn. I’ve got a feeling he’ll try to get you to pay more than your fair share.

Next time it's on him surely? As things stand now I'm not sure he's a CF but if he makes a complaint when he's footing the bill and you have extra drinks etc then you'll know for sure he is a CF.
However, I think if you really are struggling to but your kiddies bday present then you need to tell him now that you couldn't afford the more expensive place you suggested amd could he pay his share now and you'll pay for your own meals and drinks moving forwards.

Last night I said it was my round, and suggested a different pub which was a bit more expensive just for a change

Mixed messages then, this wasn't the right place to suggest