Christian knowledge needed please

[Christianknowledgeneeded]

If you are not interested please scroll on. I’m feeling rough enough as it is.
thank you
married 20 years. I have a loose Christian belief DH none
i am at the point where I have over 15 years been clear about what I need in a relationship ( minimal) he has failed to give this
we live as flat mates that argue a lot
If an issue is raised he denies it or belittles it. Waters it down or brings up a sudden list of things that I do and then says he feels guilty that he’s not enough ( but doesn’t really up his game much consistently) It takes hours to get an apology.
have tried MC
have tried praying
have tried speaking to church who say ‘ well done keeping your family together’
Im scared to divorce because of hell
I’m scared that if I do I will live this earthly life lonely as I won’t meet anyone who would want me as a divorcee and also I couldn’t have any relationship unless married to them
so my options are
live a half life - put up with a lazy man child
divorce - go to hell
divorce - have no intimacy ( unless meet someone comfortable with divorcee who would wait for marriage to have an intimate relationship)
christians / slight believers what are your thoughts ?

I’m Catholic, in your shoes I would divorce, ask for forgiveness. Choose a new church of treated badly in yours. We come this way once, be happy.

God loves you, right?

So surely he in no way wants you to be miserable?

It is scary to change but you can have a lovely peaceful life.

I admit I am not Christian but was brought up in the church and share Christian values:
You will not go to hell for divorcing your disrespectful arsehole of a DH. But if you stay with him feeling like this you will make your whole life a living hell.

The bible does not forbid divorce. Divorce was instated in Mosaic Law in the Old Testament. Jesus confirmed that divorce was permitted.

It is not a sin to divorce. You will not go to hell for it. Sin is wiped away by the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.

You do not have to stay married to an abusive man. The words he’s saying to you are abusive.

I don’t know any churches that refuse to marry divorced people. My church and every church I’ve been in married divorced people.

The current head of the CoE divorced his wife so I'm sure you could too.

Christianity does not (in my understanding) have a huge issue with divorce. I am divorced and remarried but have never felt I would be going to hell for these things. That’s the point you see, nobody is without sin so nobody is beyond forgiveness. Make your decision for you, not your religion.

Deuteronemy 24:1 When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.
2 And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife.

I'm a Christian.

I have plenty of my Christian friends who are divorced, remarried, or not. I don't care and I don't think anyone else does as far as I'm aware.

Divorce is talked about in the Bible as not being ideal but there for a reason, and I think everyone would agree that ideally there would be no need for divorce. That's just unrealistic, isn't it?
But continuing a relationship that clearly you have tried very hard to make work, and is not working is definitely the reason why divorce is there.

If you came to me for prayer, I would pray for the right decision to be made and wouldn't be saying things like "well done for keeping your family together" because that is not a decision that is mine and saying that sort of thing puts pressure on you.

Hope that make sense.

A loving God isn’t going to send anyone to hell for wanting to get out of an unhealthy relationship.

Jesus was not in favour of divorce, but keep in mind what divorce meant for women 2000 years ago.

2,000 years ago it was very difficult for women and children to survive without male support. So, it is likely that Jesus was encouraging men not to abandon their wives to ruin and starvation.

Also, keep in mind that Jesus was always hanging around with people who would have been considered big sinners and outcasts in his society. He was not a big fan of puritanical people. He had an open heart for people and I’m sure that even if you have 50 million divorces he will have an open heart for you.

I’m not a Christian by the way. Though I used to be.

The concerns you are describing I wouldn’t expect from someone of broad Christian belief, more a fundamentalist.

The bible doesn’t forbid divorce, Christ said not a word about it. The idea that divorce is wrong is a man made concept (mostly to make women feel bad). Your first responsibility is to look after yourself - you cannot be of any use to anyone until you do.

It sounds like you are at the end of your marriage so I would move forward to divorce, find a new church if you need to. There are Christian dating services when you decide it’s time to find someone new.

i am giving the benefit of the doubt and taking this post at face value, although I do wonder if it’s a wind up. Or anti-Christian bait. Or possibly American.
You won’t go to hell for divorcing husband. I can’t imagine any church advising you to keep your family together if the marriage has failed. Look at Prince Charles.
When it comes down to it, being a Christian has nothing to do with being perfect - Jesus came to help all of us who were the opposite of perfect! He loves us all whatever we do.
Anyone who wants to go to heaven can do so, although we know that plenty do not want to. After death I believe we will meet God and then no matter what our views were here on earth we can choose to be gone forever or live with God in heaven. I don’t believe there is a fiery pit with a red man with a fork!
Everyone does things wrong (Christians certainly do!) but marriage break up is not doing anything wrong - it is just a sad situation where there are hurt people who need love and support.

Were you brought up in a particular version of Christianity? Could you say what it is?

I did the alpha course a few years ago. I was offered to be baptised but refused as I didn’t want full emersion which was all that they would offer.

It's probably relevant to know which branch of Christianity we are talking about here - CofE is completely fine with divorce and no decent God would want you to live a miserable unhappy life.

And also thank you for responses. Am grateful and please anyone continue to add. I feel I need a very clear response one way or another

I’m not wholly Christian, my faith has developed in other ways over time, but I was raised Catholic and can’t bring myself to divorce so I voted YANBU and don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

However you are being unreasonable to base your spirituality upon fear of Hell rather than a deep and rewarding experience in this life. You have to take personal responsibility and that can mean going against the tremendous patriarchal pressure to ‘keep your family together.’

Obviously you are intelligent enough to look at your life rationally, faith is nothing without reason and vice versa. They are both tools for enriching your life, not solely from self interest but as part of living responsibly and creating a better world for everyone. Women don’t have to stay in desperately unhappy circumstances anymore. You can separate and make yourself your priority. Maybe you’ll divorce later, it might seem not such a big deal after a few years, or maybe not.

Even if you believe divorce is a sin, the Bible is clear that all sin is the same and that it was all wiped out by Jesus - so get a divorce or tell a lie or speed your car - Jesus still loves you and has forgiven you.

I don’t believe my DH intends to be unkind. He is lazy mostly and very black and white thinking. I feel I am unintentionally gas lit regularly .
I feel he has offered his best version and it is sadly no where near what I feel a depth of a relationship should be.
He is like a mostly kind friend that doesn’t know how to ‘do being a husband’ he genuinely seems very confused by my expectations ( minimum )
This also concerns me as I know in gods eyes he would be perfect and I am rejecting him for his true self which he may not be able to help.
I haven’t made a final decision but I need to understand my options.

OP you will not go to hell because you get divorced! I had to get a divorce because my husband was abusive. I stuck out 5 yrs and felt awful about leaving because I was a Christian and believed marriage is for life. Clearly one cannot carry on where the relationship has broken down to that extent. My partner was not a Christian. Jesus offers us forgiveness and our mistakes will be forgiven. Even marrying the wrong person and getting divorced!

Marriage is intended to be lifelong but there are occasions when we fall short of this. Some Christians will say if you married a non-Christian then you weren't married at all. I don't agree with that. However for whatever reason you separate or get divorced that doesn't mean you will go to Hell and cannot be forgiven.

It sounds like you are making excuses not to leave out of a very understandable fear of change.

He can’t be both a kind friend and someone who denies or belittles your concerns. Read your own posts out loud to yourself. You can’t use Christianity as a hiding place from your own responsibilities, nothing will make sense until you face up to reality.

If you are looking for support from Christian churches even the Pope now accepts that divorce can be morally the right thing to do.

premierchristian.news/en/news/article/pope-francis-divorce-sometimes-morally-necessary

As a Christian I don't believe staying married when the relationship is bad can possibly be the Christian thing to do. Marriage is supposed to be based on mutual love respect and commitment which supports both of you. Your relationship isn't doing this and I think most churches would agree you could both live better, more fulfilled lives apart.
On the topic of who would want to marry you- many, many (most) people would not see your divorce as an impediment to a relationship.
Good luck OP. Be kind to yourself.

Given that you say you have a "loose" Christian belief I am very concerned at your beliefs that you will go to hell if you divorce and that in God's eyes your husband is perfect. I don't know where you picked up your Christian beliefs from but I suspect some fundamentalist or evangelical church because mainstream Christianity does not condemn anyone merely for being divorced. I am Catholic, most of my friends are C of E and lots of our group are divorced, living with partners, gay, whatever. If you really believe that you will be condemned for leaving your husband, I suggest that you go and speak to a mainstream Church minister or perhaps try to find a group for divorced church-goers. Even my very middle-class previous Catholic church has a social group for divorced and separated people.

This is not what Christianity teaches at all. Jesus died for our sins but with that must come 'true repentance' of the sins we have committed. Then we are assured of his forgiveness, followed by not repeating that sin.

Going about lying and breaking the law wilfully because 'Jesus has forgiven it all' is not what the death on the cross is about and never has been. That is a complete mockery of the sacrifice Jesus made.

As for@OP I am very sorry you are in what seems like a very unhappy marriage and have to make difficult decisions. Your church does not sound helpful or perhaps just have not got the right resources to support marriages in crisis.
I can't advise whether you should divorce but whatever you do decide i wish you all the very best.

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
Romans 10:9

You do that, so you have nothing to worry about.
God does not send folk to "hell" which, my church believes, is the absence of God's presence, for fun. You would have to be a really, really unrepentant sinner, I think.
All sin is ranked the same in God's eyes, there is no hierarchy. And all sin is wiped out by Christ's death on the cross.
You are God's precious child. He loves you and wants you to be happy not stuck living a shadow life in an abusive marriage. And I'm speaking from experience here. And if God would have no problem with you being divorced, why should anyone else? If they do, they are not worth worrying about. Tbh, your church sounds a bit abusive as well, encouraging you to stay in your situation.
For a person with "loose" Christian belief, you actually sound very fundamentalist. These kinds of belief are not really that mainstream. Why don't you try a different church that might be more understanding and supportive. Oh, and offers baptism without full immersion, if that's what you want.

My husband is catholic and has deep faith. He believes we all "sin" but this wouldn't stop him from getting a divorce if he's unhappy. He accepts we are all flawed and make mistakes but we seek forgiveness and no-body never ever doesn't make mistakes or needs forgiveness. We all do but we do our best