Christian knowledge needed please

[Christianknowledgeneeded]

If you are not interested please scroll on. I’m feeling rough enough as it is.
thank you
married 20 years. I have a loose Christian belief DH none
i am at the point where I have over 15 years been clear about what I need in a relationship ( minimal) he has failed to give this
we live as flat mates that argue a lot
If an issue is raised he denies it or belittles it. Waters it down or brings up a sudden list of things that I do and then says he feels guilty that he’s not enough ( but doesn’t really up his game much consistently) It takes hours to get an apology.
have tried MC
have tried praying
have tried speaking to church who say ‘ well done keeping your family together’
Im scared to divorce because of hell
I’m scared that if I do I will live this earthly life lonely as I won’t meet anyone who would want me as a divorcee and also I couldn’t have any relationship unless married to them
so my options are
live a half life - put up with a lazy man child
divorce - go to hell
divorce - have no intimacy ( unless meet someone comfortable with divorcee who would wait for marriage to have an intimate relationship)
christians / slight believers what are your thoughts ?

This isn't true. You have to do what Romans 10:9 says, be repentant and ask forgiveness.
Implied in the verse from Romans is that belief and confession lead you to want to imitate Christ and live a life modelled on His.
You can't just go around willy nilly doing whatever you like. That's not how it works. Christian faith is a responsibility and we need to try to live up to Christ's example and sacrifice.

I'm a devout lifelong Christian, born and raised protestant but now Catholic. You will not go to hell if you're divorced. The whole point of Jesus' life and death is the forgiveness of sins. The Lord knows what you've put up with, and your husband's refusal to participate in married life, which is what I think you're saying, is sufficient grounds. Every time your husband discounts your needs, ridicules you, refuses intimacy without very good reason, etc., he is sinning against you and God.

As for intimacy outside marriage, I can't help you. It is not condoned by Christianity. I will say that as someone who travels in devoutly religious circles, there are men who will abstain until marriage, including marriage to a divorcee. In fact, I married one, and I was the divorcee. I know any number of men who would feel the same way, so don't think that a truly Christian man consider you damaged goods or unworthy or whatever you're thinking. A man who loves you in a Christ-like way, which is the requirement for all Christian men, will not care.

Kinda depends on your flavour of Christianity, doesn’t it? The Bible teaches a multitude of contradictory things depending on how you read it.

I am Christian. I am divorced and remarried.

I don't take the Bible as "gospel" excuse the pun. It was written by humans in random languages, translated, retranslated and jiggled with to fit whatever thinking happened to be popular at the time. That's my view anyway.

I am fairly sure you won't go to hell if you divorce.

If you are as unhappy in your marriage as you say you are, then you need to start doing practical things to exit. Own bank account, clear idea of what it cost to move out/buy husband out etc. Start to get an exit plan straight in your head and see where that leads you.

Thank you all for your replies I really appreciate it
I will try and explain ‘ loose Christian views’ better
I pray for my family and myself a lot
I pray for world problems
I pray when grateful for something
I am a very kind and generous person
I never judge unless someone gives me clear message he’s that they are unkind or I trust worthy ( at that time)
I forgive and forgive and forgive and then my heart will turn to sudden stone
then I become very angry and unforgiving which I hate
i did go to church for a few months but to be honest I found waving flags ( literally not meant in any derogative way and I can see people enjoy it but I’m not a showy person) uncomfortable and the music touched me so much that I would just cry alot !
So I wasn’t sure if it was for me and opted for a more private relation ship with god

I admit that I never read the bible but will google often what god would say about something and read the extracts that show up for that situation

however with this situation it has been very mixed messages online searches

im feeling that I am potentially a lazy Christian?!

as for ‘ fundamentalist’ I have no idea what this means…. But I will explore

I am maybe understanding from here that you can be a Christian and different groups within it are very different in their opinions?

Do you actually believe in hell?
Like, even if the Bible clearly said: you divorce, you go to hell - do you actually think you’re going to be burning in fiery pits for eternity?

The Christian church is very broad and varied - however at its heart there’s a belief in having a relationship with God. You describe behaviours that someone might ascribe to be Christian but not what you believe about God and Jesus. It sounds like you’re seeking a faith and have fallen across a pretty fundamental version of church. Have a look maybe at your local Anglican Church as they tend to be more liberal and will teach the faith in an accessible way.

In terms of your marriage, I don’t believe you go to hell if you divorce, and you can make your own choices about what happens in future relationships.

Yes because this is what the bible says isn’t it ?
the church I went to talked a lot about ‘ the enemy’

Depends if you're catholic or Protestant I suppose. Protestant Christians do not see marriage as a sacrament. Divorce is fine as long as it's for the right reasons. The only sacraments are baptism and holy communion. I believe marriage is a sacrament in Catholicism however.

I am maybe understanding from here that you can be a Christian and different groups within it are very different in their opinions?

Do you live under a rock? Have you never heard of all the various denominations of Christianity?!

What church are you going to that believes divorce = Hell? Never in my life have I been to a church that preaches that.

Sorry I’m a bit new to all of this and want to understand more, I guess I’ve been closed minded and only really followed what the church I was involved with preached

“I forgive and forgive and forgive and then my heart will turn to sudden stone
then I become very angry and unforgiving which I hate “

That’s because you never forgave in the first place. Let alone forgave and forgave and forgave! You buried your needs and your rights and accepted shitty behaviour because something/someone drilled that into you. But, deep down, of course you didn’t forgive them. Because you shouldn’t. So eventually the anger surfaces.

You don’t need god/God, a minister, an Alpha course, a religion… you need a decent therapist.

The very Christian position of, “turning the other cheek” doesn’t actually mean let people treat you like shit. When God flooded the earth, he wasn’t turning the other cheek. When Jesus over turned the table of the money lenders, he wasn’t turning the other cheek.

Sounds to me like you were brought up to ignore your own needs, and with the Alpha course you tried to find a religion that would make you feel virtuous for continuing to do so, because it’s a lot easier than changing.

How would you feel at the Pearly Gates if you said to God, “I was super nice and forgiving and I’m here for my heavenly reward please” and He said, “I gave you this wonderful opportunity for a full and happy earthly life, and you squandered it?”

Therapy!

I asked a leader to help me understand what god says about divorce and they basically said that it is not what he wants and that I should try and keep my marriage together and that I should try and keep my family together

As Testina suggests a less literal-minded interpretation of hell might be helpful OP - "hell" can be experienced here and by seeking a happier life for yourself, you would be attempting to extricate yourself from it

Being a Christian involves believing that Jesus is the son of God who was sent to earth and died on the cross for our sins. Whether you're divorced or not shouldn't matter if you believe this as this is the only way in to Heaven.

Hmm interesting thank you. I would say yes I have always been taught that I am worth not much from a very young age. I will reflect on this point . Thank you x

I don’t know about other denominations but growing up Catholic meant redemption or salvation was only possible through faith in Jesus and with it came a responsibility to the wider community. I did have a fear of Hell, but that comes from continually examining your conscience from infancy. Were you raised in this way?

As you grow up your critical faculties usually kick in and you can separate the role of religion as an oppressive social control from the internal rewards of the mysteries of faith, the example of sacrificial love and the responsibility to care for yourself and others.

What was it like for you when you were young? Did you have a religion?

I believe that you won't go to hell for divorcing. Be happy.

Nah you won't go to church if you're divorced. Methodist Christian here and one of our stewards is divorced. Find another church if they're being mean to you. God wants you to be happy 😊

All of these groups believe that their (different) interpretation of the Bible is the correct one. And these are just the mainstream churches!

Within these denominations, "Fundamentalist" or "Evangelical" groups are (very roughly speaking) those which emphasise the exact text of the Bible, as the Word of God, over everything else. Many other groups assert that the Bible was written by humans, in particular social contexts. There are arguments for both sides there.

Right, and how exactly does that equate to burning in fiery pits of hell?
Forget religion.
Of course if you go into a marriage you should try to make it work, that’s got nothing to do with God.

I divorced my husband because he turned out to be a serial prostitute user. I left with my dignity, and herpes.
My friend left her husband, after he broke her arm in front of their 6yo.
We both had marriage counselling together after knowledge of prostitutes (me) black eye (her). So we definitely tried.

Do you really think God is sending us to hell?
And if He would, is that actually a religion you choose to follow?

No religion in my family
grew up in a neglectful home
I guess I believe that fathers punish and not a lot else so this has been a really useful thread for me thank you also useful to rethink if I go back to church that finding one that fits maybe more appropriate for me

It sounds like you are already in a type of Hell. I hope by continuing to explore your faith you discover that it is based on love and you can only love God when you love yourself.

Have you read Solomon’s Song of Songs? This part of the bible beautifully describes what it is to love God and be loved by Him, and is the spiritual blueprint for married life.

OP I am a theologian by trade. The Alpha course is well meaning but depending on who lead your particular one, can be quite "far over" in its views. There are indeed dozens of not hundreds of different forms of Christianity and each individual Christian in each type (denomination, eg Catholic, Church of England etc) will have their own views. A couple of things that may help:

1. A fundamentalist is one who takes the bible literally..so the works was created by God in 6 24 hour days, Noah's Ark was real, all the moral teachings should be followed as far as legally possible.
2. The bible is in two sections, the Old and New testament. The old testament was written by Jews, for Jews before Jesus' time. Many Christians take less note of the moral teachings in the Old Testament..it advocates a much harder view of life and behaviour.. generally speaking a more traditional view, though actually there's no mention of Hell. Christians mostly follow the NT but unless they are fundamentalists, accept that it was written and influenced by men of the 1st Century AD and thus has views on certain things that do not reflect modern sensibilities.
3. Hell is, in most modern Christian understanding not a literal place. If anything, it is being excluded from God's presence but the vast majority believe that, as others have said, a willing and genuine belief and attempt to act in a loving and kind way is the priority. Jesus frequently acted in a compassionate and caring way toward those who had broken the moral rules..eg the woman caught in adultery. She was being stoned to death and Jesus prevented it. These stories are called parables and give Christians an idea of how to behave. It doesn't actually matter if they really happened or not, they convey a meaning.

I hope that is helpful and not patronising. Apologies if it was. Ultimately, my decades of theological study, as an atheist, would suggest that the consensus would be that hell is not to be feared, it's not a stick to beat people into line and personal faith is key.

What was the name of the Church that you attended?