Christian knowledge needed please

[Christianknowledgeneeded]

If you are not interested please scroll on. I’m feeling rough enough as it is.
thank you
married 20 years. I have a loose Christian belief DH none
i am at the point where I have over 15 years been clear about what I need in a relationship ( minimal) he has failed to give this
we live as flat mates that argue a lot
If an issue is raised he denies it or belittles it. Waters it down or brings up a sudden list of things that I do and then says he feels guilty that he’s not enough ( but doesn’t really up his game much consistently) It takes hours to get an apology.
have tried MC
have tried praying
have tried speaking to church who say ‘ well done keeping your family together’
Im scared to divorce because of hell
I’m scared that if I do I will live this earthly life lonely as I won’t meet anyone who would want me as a divorcee and also I couldn’t have any relationship unless married to them
so my options are
live a half life - put up with a lazy man child
divorce - go to hell
divorce - have no intimacy ( unless meet someone comfortable with divorcee who would wait for marriage to have an intimate relationship)
christians / slight believers what are your thoughts ?

Oh OP. Man made the rules of your church, not God. Please try to grasp your life back. You shouldn't have to live like this. And you wont go to hell. That was also thought up by the Church.

I agree. I find it so unbelievably tragic that a woman is considering staying married to a truly awful man, because of ‘religious rules’ made up by a man. 💔

Of course not offensive - no questions asked in good faith are offensive!

Yes I do know what you mean. The men in question either weren't Christians (one was openly hostile to his wife's faith) or in a backslidden state - I.e. had abandoned their faith either temporarily or permanently).

In the Christian faith forgiveness is for everyone - but ONLY if you repent. So if these men haven't genuinely repented of their actions - including the way they treated their wives while they were still together - then they can't be forgiven. No repentance, no forgiveness.

But that door is always open to them in the future if they come before God with a truly penitent heart.

All the women in these situations so far as I know acted in good faith - their main priority was removing themselves and their children from a bad situation.

I do understand what you mean by feeling like you are "tricking"God. It's difficult and there are no easy answers.

You seem like a person of integrity who is exercised about doing the right thing. All I can advise really is to pray about it and ask God to help you to act in good faith and with the right intentions. Sorry if that's not helpful!

OP, this could honestly be me writing this, barring a few details.

I'm in a v similar situation. Am a Christian, dh is one too but doesn't seem as committed as me...

Things have gone on in previous years and continue to not be great.

Dc involved too though, so feel terrible in that respect also.

Just showing solidarity. Don't have an answer.

You have a choice. God already knows your heart. You alone cannot make a marriage work, respect yourself and leave.

Your faith is between yourself and God, not you and any church. (I'm Catholic, but a nun told me that lol)

Divorce for just any old reason (eg you burned the toast) is not allowed but divorce for infidelity, for failure to care for you and provide for you or violence or abuse is allowed. Some churches get a bit literal and say you must stay if there's no infidelity but that's not the only reason you are allowed to divorce.

God loves you, he wants the best for you. He is a good father, not like yours. (Or mine who tried his best, but made quite a few mistakes)

Difficult childhood leaves you vulnerable to twattish husbands. (Been there ,done that)

It's fine living on your own. It can be done.

A couple of things (and apologies if I am repeating what others have said):

1. God made you exactly who you are, on purpose! Your likes / dislikes / talents / struggles - all deliberate parts of who you are, and God loves you completely for all those parts of you.
2. We are all flawed, we all sin, and none of us can make ourselves “good enough” solely through our own efforts - that’s why we rely on the redemption by God. We are saved by God’s grace, not by our own virtue.

One verse I often turn to for comfort is from Jeremiah 29 v 11 - he cares for you so much he has a personal plan for you.

Only you can know the right decision in your heart. I hope you find a new gentle church community one day, who show you that you are valued and welcome just as you are - we are all imperfect, but we can support each other.

Thank you all so much I appreciate all of your time and sharing of experiences past and present. You’ve really helped me consider that if DH really can’t find a way to change at this point following so many years of my advice, patience, support, generosity, guidance, ( and me being a skivvy and forgiving a million things ) ect then this may be my only option as I can not imagine him being patient and kind to me if I’m lucky to make old bones ….without prompt and instruction. I can not imagine him ever self reflecting or apologising in the moment without an exhausting explanation or me having to prove why I deserve an apology. I don’t think he’s ever revisited an apology or even said an independent one!
I sometimes dream of a deep connection with some one …. Where they talk to me with depth, look in to my eyes are patient with my heart and speak genuine words of value for my kindness. I’m so sad my heart is broken and I feel a sense of deep deep grief that he will no longer potentially be part of my life but I don’t know why other than the fact that we are family :( …. And it will break my children’s hearts… we get on well until there is anything in life that it not completely predictable and non stressful….. but that’s not life is it ,
life’s not like that. I heard someone say about their own relationship ‘we’ve been through so much together’ I feel like we’ve been through so much ( so many hard cards dealt) side by side or on a parallel only coming together to discuss the logics of the situation or for me to annoy him with all my emotions . It’s bizarre really because there are times when I see he would put himself in a protective role or face danger to protect me … that’s a true love…. But to live a life where you are so confused due to endless arguments and your day to day emotions questioned ect is so painful. Thank you all so so much. I’ve learnt a lot about my faith today and how different churches that all follow god can be . X

Unless the marriage is annulled it isn't permitted in the Catholic Church.

We're you married in a church? What Christian denomination says you'll go to hell for divorcing? I don't know of one.

Even Catholicism, which takes a hard line on divorce, doesn't say you'll go to hell for divorcing.

Unless the marriage is annulled it isn't permitted in the Catholic Church

Pope Francis would be utterly shocked if a divorced person felt they were turned away from the church.

I know of a Catholic Church where divorced people, are specifically welcomed to mass every week.

Tell that to Boris. Married his pregnant affair partner in a Catholic cathedral.

Sorry, that wasn’t clear. Even if someone isn’t free to remarry in a Catholic Church if they were married as a Catholic in a Catholic wedding before then divorced, they would still be a welcomed and loved person in God’s eyes.

By the way, remember even though Boris was divorced he still married Carrie in a Catholic wedding.

@ScrollingLeaves

I'm Catholic, once very actively so & currently not really participating for a few reasons.

I'm also separated - soon to be divorced, I hope.

Separated people are treated as still married in the Catholic Church so can attend & participate in the sacraments.

Divorced people can go to Mass but are not meant to take Communion.

Obviously no-one pays any real attention to that now, but it is the case. When I first separated, and was a regular Mass-goer & active in my parish, I felt really guilty.

Regarding marriage, no, divorced people cannot be married in a Catholic Church bit can receive a blessing. I think that's effectively what Boris did while dressing it up as a wedding.

I thought the Catholic church won't remarry divorced Catholics (ie those who have previously had a Catholic marriage) but this doesn't apply to divorcees whose previous marriage wasn't Catholic - hence Boris and Carrie were ok to marry in Catholic church as his previous marriage was not Catholic and she wasn't a divorcee. Possibly because the Catholic church regards Catholic marriage as the only "true" marriage, an irrevocable sacrament, so can't be undone (unless it can be annulled, and therefore was never properly valid in the first place).

Yes if previous marriage was not in a catholic church then no problem, it doesn't count

If neither party had been married in the Church before, they are not seen as having ever been married in the eyes of the Catholic Church. If you have a civil marriage and get divorced, you can get married in a Catholic church.

yes, despite the broad ignorant bullshite people who are not really Christian here say about the passage from Deuteronomy is that Jesus did not cite this passage in favour of divorce. He cited the passage in answer to men who wanted in His time to divorce their wives based on no fault. Jesus said that unless you divorce because of adultery , you make the other spouse and adulterer and you are going to be adulterer even if you remarry and are faithful.

However Paul balances this with the statement that if unbelieving spouse does not want to live with you ( in broad context this is your case - your spouse does not play fair marriage game , does not provide for you, does not communicate with you, is not responsible), you can be free to go.

The issue is not hell, but adultery here. Sit with your husband and ask him does he want to live with you, but for real and list him again the qualities you expect him to have as a partner towards you. If he cannot provide this life with you, then and only then you are free to go , because with his behaviour he proved he does not want to live with you. Again, do not worry about hell.

It is the remarriage that is the problem. Catholic Church does not technically acknowledge divorce but the sin is in remarriage.
If the second marriage is consummated the sin of adultery is committed. It is a mortal sin and therefore until confessed you are unable to receive Communion.
The laws are very clear on this.
Mass isn't the issue.

I know. The hypocrisy was astonishing.
She was the Catholic not him but it applies to the partner from the other Christian denominations too. Cardinal Vince Nichols is known for being rather Liberal but I found that utterly shocking.
I am not a devout Catholic but I do know what the rules are supposed to be.

@Christianknowledgeneeded I’m so sorry to hear you are unhappy. You are obviously unsure but I just wanted to put a different perspective across to you. 2 Corinthians 6:14 ‘Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?’. Unfortunately, many Christian’s marry with unbelievers, hoping they can change them or that they will change. However, nothing is impossible with God. And although you may think your husband cannot change, God turns the hearts of the most unrighteousness men. 1 Peter 3 says ‘Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives’. Our example as godly women may be the witness a man needs..even if the realisation is not until their last breath. Continue to pray for your husband and be the wife God has commanded you to be. May I suggest you watch a film called ‘case for Christ’. It’s about an atheist who came to Christ by trying to prove his wife’s faith wrong but couldn’t disprove the facts. I feel it will really help you. Praying for you. God bless and I hope this maybe gives you another perspective as clearly something isn’t sitting right with you walking away x