Christian knowledge needed please

[Christianknowledgeneeded]

If you are not interested please scroll on. I’m feeling rough enough as it is.
thank you
married 20 years. I have a loose Christian belief DH none
i am at the point where I have over 15 years been clear about what I need in a relationship ( minimal) he has failed to give this
we live as flat mates that argue a lot
If an issue is raised he denies it or belittles it. Waters it down or brings up a sudden list of things that I do and then says he feels guilty that he’s not enough ( but doesn’t really up his game much consistently) It takes hours to get an apology.
have tried MC
have tried praying
have tried speaking to church who say ‘ well done keeping your family together’
Im scared to divorce because of hell
I’m scared that if I do I will live this earthly life lonely as I won’t meet anyone who would want me as a divorcee and also I couldn’t have any relationship unless married to them
so my options are
live a half life - put up with a lazy man child
divorce - go to hell
divorce - have no intimacy ( unless meet someone comfortable with divorcee who would wait for marriage to have an intimate relationship)
christians / slight believers what are your thoughts ?

You don't have to read the whole Bible op, just read what Jesus actually said and did. Then have a think about if 'divorce= Hell' fits into the words that Jesus preached.

Hell I mean not church.

I teach World Religions in a secondary school.

Many, perhaps most, young people have literally no idea of the basics of Christianity (or indeed any other religions).

Bubble and sqwark really kind and helpful thank you

“Many other groups assert that the Bible was written by humans, in particular social contexts. There are arguments for both sides there.”

Absolutely this, and @MoralOrLegal ‘s brilliant diagram shows exactly why nothing that is asserted by any one sect of any religion should ever be accepted as - pardon the pun! - gospel.

@Christianknowledgeneeded this is going to sound patronising but it’s important… you need to be aware even that this Bible wasn’t written in English! It’s been translated from translations over time, even when from living languages, old versions of them. When you read Shakespeare in school, did you understand it perfectly? No, and that’s in English!

Do you know the story of Joseph and his coat of many colours? In some mainstream Bible translations, that’s a coat with long sleeves.

Even without human error and social context (and frankly misogynistic shite: see how the quote is a man allowed to divorce 🧐) some of the Bible is just mis-translated garbage!

It’s also books written by many different people, not even claiming to be the direct word of God.

And on the basic of that, you’re going to take anything from it literally? (and on the way so of someone else, not even your own reading)

I think fundamental Christianity is actually damaging for you. I feel like it’s going to reinforce shite from your childhood, and that’s exactly why you’re drawn to it. It’s damaging, but it’s what you know.

You will not go to hell.
You are not supposed to self-harm by allowing yourself to be abused.
You are allowed to be a whole, healthy person.

Please believe me when I say you may have some unresolved problems from your childhood contributing to your feelings of guilt, and your religious ideas are just an outlet for them.

That is to say, if even you were not religious, you still might have a low bar for yourself and feel you somehow deserve to have to put up with deep unhappiness.

Could you get yourself some counselling ( not religious) to get to the roots of this?

I'm catholic and agree with a PP. divorce him. You deserve better.

You will not go to Hell. My devout catholic daily mass going grandmother even prayed for a speedy divorce for my aunt who was in a very dysfunctional marriage. You need to look after yourself.

Yes my bar has certainly been low and my husband has had a very good life for many years as result. Raising my bar and asking for depth and shared experiences has been the down fall of the marriage. I may consider counselling and I will continue to try and understand what god wants me to do. Thank you all so much for your time, there are some really long and thoughtful responses

I'm not a Christian, nor do I follow any other beliefs so I won't have that emotional conflict you have but as 'an outsider' looking in, it seems to me that the promises you and your husband made (marriage) is almost like a contract. God's word is the law and he was your witness.
Your husband has broken that contract by not fulfilling his promises to you (and God). You've prayed for guidance and you've gone the extra mile to save your marriage (and your husband). If your OH is set on destroying your marriage and any chance of you both being happy I can't see that you are obligated to go down with him. He's broken his contract therefore you are relinquished.
Being 'free' will allow you to focus on other things and use your talents wisely. That could be a new relationship but it could simply be having the peace of mind to apply yourself fully to other non romantic relationships and projects....including the church and your family.
If God exists I'm sure he can see into your heart.
Finish up the legal paperwork (divorce) to tidy up what your OH has initiated.

“I may consider counselling and I will continue to try and understand what god wants me to do.”

Fuck that shit. I’ll tell you what God wants you to do. He wants you to use the brain and free will that he gave you to make and own your decisions. You’ve spent your whole life trying to please other people (tell me I’m wrong…) and now you’re transferring that learned behaviour onto God.

Sorry, but no - you have to own the situation you’re in, get counselling to help if you need it - and I mean non-faith based counselling. Only when you know who you are and what you need, should you be considering whether your personal values align to any particular religion.

You’re trying to put the decisions (like divorce) on God, and you’re trying to transfer your trained need to please from your parents and then from your husband onto God.

Don’t.

The kindest person I know, who actively lives a very Christian life has been divorced. She is open hearted and lovely to everyone she meets. It has no impact on what a brilliant person she is. If anyone is going to heaven, she definitely is.

Also, given that you fear no intimacy (sex?) in a relationship as no-one will wait until marriage, where is that self-imposed rule coming from?

If it’s a genuine personal choice - fine.

But it sounds like you’re just blindly following more random shite from a badly delivered -and damaging- Alpha course.

Anyway, I’d rather be happy single with no sex, than unhappy married with no sex 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why, when you think about it, would God object to sex before marriage?

Even as recently as my parents’ generation, you got the girl pregnant, you had to marry her. That was basically a financial imperative, to protect the woman and child. I’m not saying it did protect them, or that it was a good thing! But that’s where that moral rule comes from. And that’s exactly why 2000 year old Christianity would say to avoid sex before marriage - protection.

We have another kind of protection now: contraception.

Invented from the amazing minds that God gave us to use! It renders the rule somewhat outdated. A Bible written today might say, “and lo should it come to pass that the pill did fail, then both of ye shalt go to CMS”.
You need to look at social context, not blindly follow some dick spouting off their personal view 🤷🏻‍♀️

You won't go to hell if you divorce.
You won't live a life alone without intimacy if you divorce.
None of these things you fear are going to happen.
What domination is this church you go to? It doesn't sound like any of the mainstream Christian churches.

Even the R.C. church these days is more forgiving towards divorcees. In fact, it is not actually divorce that is the problem there, but re-marriage, as the church does not recognize the divorce. However, there are plenty of divorcees who still attend church, some take communion (even though they aren't supposed to if divorced and in a new relationship) and I have also been at R.C church blessings for re-married divorcees. But even then, these are all man-made rules and have nothing to do with someone's personal relationship with God.

You can continue to be a Christian even if you do get divorced. You can continue to be a Christian even if you start a relationship with someone else and have sex before marriage. You can continue to be a Christian even if you remarry someone else. Depending on the denomination there might be things you can't do within the church.

You can choose to join another denomination - find a church which suits you and helps you. You can continue to pray on your own and live your faith as you choose.

But the most important thing you must choose is a life which makes you happy and if that means getting divorced from a manchild who makes you unhappy then so be it.

I think you might need to spend some time researching Christianity and working out what it is you really believe before making any decisions. Very few denominations teach that you have to continue cohabiting with your spouse if the relationship has become intolerable, but there is a wide range of views about whether a divorced person can remarry within the Church.

Incidentally, what sort of marriage ceremony did you have? if it was a purely civil service, you may not be married within the Church anyway.

Looking online It seems that divorce is only unacceptable to Roman Catholics, Eastern Orthodox Christians and some High Church Anglicans. If your denomination is not one of these there should be no problem. I was a Protestant who converted to Catholicism, but knew about divorce as I had several divorced uncles and a cousin, and when that cousin remarried (in a Methodist church) some years after I became Catholic I was happy to be her bridesmaid. Saying that you have a loose Christian belief sounds that you are not perhaps fully committed to a particular denomination, so I do not understand why divorce is such a stumbling block.

I don't understand why you'd want to be intimate with someone who treats you with so little respect.

You're seeing the whole "divorce and going to hell" thing the wrong way. Christianity demands respect for one another, which clearly isn't the case here. Yes, you should be able to forgive him for his sins and not seeing the error in his ways, but that doesn't mean you have to be stuck married to him until he figures out he was wrong.

OK, I personally don't believe in God, but my understanding is that the general idea is that he is a loving God, that he wants people to be happy. Why then would he want to send you to hell for doing something that would make your time on earth happier.

From my view, churches aren't about god. They're about control, some more than others. They're about placing restrictions on your life in order to support the church.

If you truly believe in God, then find a church that fits with your views on him, rather than modifying your views to fit the church. And divorce your knobhead of a husband.

Given you attended an Alpha course, they only offered total immersion baptism, services involve a lot of waving your hands in the air, there was discussion of hell and the enemy and their version of support was to encourage you to stick in your marriage, I think your experience of Christianity has been very far down the evangelical side.

It was too much exposure to evangelicals that put me off Christianity altogether.

Agree with @kingtamponthefurred most of the more fundamentalist denominations would not regard you as married at all if you had a civil ceremony and either of you were not baptised at the time and have not been baptised since the wedding.

"Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household."

I would read this as saying that absolutely the most important thing for us is to do what God calls us to do. We cannot use the conventions of family structures and hierarchies -or even conventional priestly teachings - as an excuse not to follow our own path. The Gospels are full of stories about people behaving in unexpected ways, because loving God is more important than taking the easier, safer route.

I've only recently started learning a bit about early Church history. There's nothing new under the sun... the modern evangelical movement does remind me quite a lot of Montanism, which was declared a heresy all the way back in the 3rd century!

I am a lifelong Christian from a non-conformist Protestant denomination (so not Church of England). It might be helpful to reflect on the fact that Queen Camilla was recently crowned in the coronation - she is a remarried divorcee. I don’t recognise the comments on divorce that were said to you by someone in your church - I can only think you must be going to a very fundamentalist congregation. There are clergy in my denomination who are divorced.

I would find yourself a more mainstream congregation- Church of England, Methodist, United Reformed.

Would you want your child to stay in an unhappy marriage? Why do you think your heavenly father wants that for you?

If you believe in hell then I assume you also believe that the only way to avoid it and go to heaven is through Jesus - faith not deeds gets Christians to heaven. All have fallen short of the grace of God - all sins are equal and we all sin all the time. So divorce won't send you to hell any more than angry thoughts, lying or train fare evasion.
If you believe in a loving God then it follows that He wants you to be happy. If you believe Jesus was God as a man, then perhaps you can see how Jesus will understand what is happening in your life and how it would be better for you if you change it.
And find a nicer church!!