Christian knowledge needed please

[Christianknowledgeneeded]

If you are not interested please scroll on. I’m feeling rough enough as it is.
thank you
married 20 years. I have a loose Christian belief DH none
i am at the point where I have over 15 years been clear about what I need in a relationship ( minimal) he has failed to give this
we live as flat mates that argue a lot
If an issue is raised he denies it or belittles it. Waters it down or brings up a sudden list of things that I do and then says he feels guilty that he’s not enough ( but doesn’t really up his game much consistently) It takes hours to get an apology.
have tried MC
have tried praying
have tried speaking to church who say ‘ well done keeping your family together’
Im scared to divorce because of hell
I’m scared that if I do I will live this earthly life lonely as I won’t meet anyone who would want me as a divorcee and also I couldn’t have any relationship unless married to them
so my options are
live a half life - put up with a lazy man child
divorce - go to hell
divorce - have no intimacy ( unless meet someone comfortable with divorcee who would wait for marriage to have an intimate relationship)
christians / slight believers what are your thoughts ?

But are those people claiming to be practising Christians?

You'll not go to Hell. My minister thought that divorce was the right thing for me. Not all ministers will remarry someone who is divorced but the majority will, the exception being that if the marriage ended due to infidelity of one party they won't marry the adulterous one with the affair partner which is fair enough I think.
I'd find another church, maybe visit some local ones, all are different even with the same denomination. Maybe an Anglican or Methodist one, some Baptist ones are fairly welcoming to all comers but some can be very narrow and rigid, and stress hellfire
You could maybe look out for one which is an inclusive church, maybe one with a woman priest, then you'll know that they are fairly mainstream, a very few won't have women, maybe if the priest calls himself Father nice although he is it shows me that maybe the congregation is a bit more old, fashioned
Neither denomination will force you to have full immersion baptism, well there may be some that practice it but it is the exception not the rule

I’m Catholic. My (agnostic) husband is divorced. I don’t care, never have cared, don’t know any other Catholics who care, including my 90 year old grandma. God is a loving, merciful God who wants happiness for us. That’s my core belief.

I do hope you are able to get some real life advice. Divorce doesn't mean going to hell. ( And I'm an evangelical Christian who does believe that only those who have trusted in God will go to heaven) It isn't what God intended for us but he recognises that we won't always be able to stay married for various reasons, which is why divorce is mentioned in the Bible. I do believe that there will be a sadness if your marriage ends but more because you haven't been able to experience the joy of a God filled marriage. Which is not your fault at all. Men are given a responsibility too and it sounds like he can't be bothered. However, maybe you will find joy and fulfilment with another spouse so don't despair. You sound like a fairly new or inexperienced believer, maybe just taking time to read through Jesus actual words in the gospels ( first four books of the new testament ) and praying that God would speak to you would help. Also the Psalms for encouraging you when things are hard. Maybe look at the try praying app if you are not sure how to pray. If you are more familiar with the Bible, you will be able to tell if a Church is teaching it.

It sounds like you are in hell on earth already so don't be afraid of divorce.

There is no fiery inferno where people burn for all eternity. I was taught that as a child to put the fear of God in me about following religion and it certainly worked for many years.

Life is too short, be happy and have the life you deserve.

Part of your marriage vows are to love and cherish each other, and he isn't loving of you or cherishing you. The way I see it (as a Christian) is that he has broken the contract, therefore you can be released from it.
a Christian friend of mine was used by her pastor of "what not to do" because she had married a non-Christian. She didn't stay in that church.
Whether or not you find someone else doesn't really matter, wouldn't you rather be happy without him than miserable with him?

I went to convent school in Malta, which is basically Catholicism on steroids. Even the nuns there taught us that, while you can’t get divorced, it is perfectly permissible to remove yourself from a marriage - it saves your husband from sin as well as yourself (removes the circumstances for violence, verbal abuse, lying, etc etc). It also allows you to focus your thoughts more on god. They gave examples of women from history who had done this and either become saints, or were otherwise seen as highly pious.

Honestly, if Maltese Catholic nuns are exhorting teenage girls to leave shitty future marriages, I am quite sure you are fine to leave yours.

No, but if someone like the OP is new to the religion, has attended an Alpha course and been to a dozen or so services, there's no reason to expect that she'd have heard anything about Church History or the difference between denominations, which is the context of my comment.

I did once have a student who would preface everything with "As a Catholic, I believe that..." followed by something that definitely wasn't Catholic doctrine! But that's another issue.

These answers have surprised me so so much and are fairly unanimous. I can’t believe it to be honest , I have really believed that I had no choice

OP. - are you in the UK? We do have some extreme Christians here, but your posts and beliefs read more like something I would associate with US. Not that being outside UK is an issue in any way, but you might find reference to CofE and similar confusing and might need more explanations.

Oops, I posted the wrong quote. Should have been Matthew 19 v9.

'I tell you, then, that any man who divorces his wife for any cause other than her unfaithfulness, commits adultery if he marries some other woman.'. (Good News Bible)

I’m so glad you can see that Christian faith gives you choice rather than taking it away. How are you feeling about those choices now?

The way you’ve been thinking about all this makes perfect sense in the context of your earlier life. No wonder you were vulnerable to those beliefs. Thank goodness you reached out here.

Were God to exist, she wouldn’t want you to stay married to a horrible twat.

I’m a Christian.

I do not believe you’ll go to hell for divorcing a horrible husband. If you’ve genuinely made every effort to make the marriage work, then you’ve done what you can. Please don’t spend the rest of your life in a miserable marriage for no reason.

Raised Catholic here. My understanding is that divorce or separation is not a big deal, but that some versions of Christianity don't approve of re-marriage, or having sex with anyone else after leaving your DH.

Who is to say that these versions of Christianity are right? When different churches or denominations have different views, how can you tell which one of them really knows what God or Jesus thinks? Even the bible is contradictory and unclear - it was written in a different age for a different kind of society. I don't subscribe to the belief that the bible is infallible.

The answer is that you can't ever know for sure what God disapproves of, you can only follow your own heart and conscience, and find a church that supports you to be your best self.

I don't believe in the traditional medieval hell of fire and devils - that was invented by the catholic church to control the population.
I think Hell is a state of mind here and now in this life, when you reject God and deliberately choose to be evil.

You are very clearly not choosing to be evil; you are simply realising that your marriage is not working and you feel the need to end it. I don't believe that God would have any problem with this.

You’ve had a lot of advice addressing the issue so I’d just like to say that if you are a Christian (i.e trusting in Jesus alone for your salvation) then no past, present or future sin will send you to Hell. Nothing can separate us from the love of God once we are saved, that includes ourself. Thinking you need to do or avoid doing things in order to avoid Hell is a false gospel.

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. - Eph 2 8-9

I just cannot fathom that you are making life decisons based on your belief a religion that, in your interpretation, wants you to either live miserable or go to hell.

You’re lucky not to understand how adverse childhood experiences >>> damaging beliefs and actions in adulthood.

It’s like when someone expresses disbelief that a victim of sexual assault could be frozen with fear rather than fight back against their assailant.

You think all religious people, who believe in the sort of stuff OP is saying, are so solely due to damaged childhoods?

I am sure a lot of religious people would disagree with you.

I don’t know how you arrived at ‘all religious people’ who share such beliefs.

Your post, which I responded to, was aimed at the OP. She didn’t grow up absorbing these ideas as the cultural norm, which is the case for many religious people, but sought them out because of earlier adversity.

Hello, I come from a denomination which is quite strict on divorce. In our church the only Biblical grounds for divorce is adultery- i.e. only if your husband was unfaithful could you divorce him.

In my own congregation there have been several woman who were no longer with the father of their children. They weren't initially divorced - just separated, as the Bible says nothing against separation. They were in intolerable situations which weren't good for them or their children.

They stayed single and focussed on their children and their faith - BUT when their ex's inevitably embarked on new relationships (considered adulterous as they were still married) the women were then able to divorce with a clear conscience.

I made it sound a bit calculating there - I don't honestly believe any of the women planned things that way; they would rather that their ex's were better men so that they could have stayed together. But they were faithful to what they saw as Biblical teaching and ultimately have all been able to divorce and move on.

Thank you. I can see how logical this works. But I think that any man told he can’t have sex / a relationship for a long period of time will likely go and sleep with other woman. So I don’t want to cast any judgement at all but I would personally feel if I went down this road I may be attempting to trick god …. So is the man that cheats forgiven by god? But if the woman did she wouldn’t be ? Sorry if any of that is offensive I’m literally speaking from my heart

Christian. Our reverend and his wife are both on their second marriage.
Marriage is a covenant yes, but God is also much bigger and more loving than anything we could ever do ‘wrong’, in the same way as nothing we can ever do will be ‘good’ enough to deserve His love. We live under grace, not condemnation.

I'm Catholic. The Catholic church does have a problem with people getting re-married, but even the Pope recognises that people may be in marriages that risk their mental and/or physical health and so divorce is necessary. You will absolutely not go to hell for getting divorced.
In fact, even in a Catholic church it is possible to get remarried (this is what Boris Johnson did after a divorce and multiple relationships!). Most other Christian churches are far more reasonable and in my opinion, Christian about this issue, and have no problem with remarriage.
If you are worried about difficulties with expectations of sex in future relationships, would you consider a relationship with someone who shares your Christian beliefs and so would be agreeable to this?
It's a long way in the future though. As others have said, focus on yourself and moving on from this marriage if that is the right thing for you first

You cannot trick God :). All sin is equal (that’s not saying a murder and stealing a pen are the same, but all sin is sin to God).

You are redeemed because of what Jesus did for you, not because what you do or don’t do.