Pools and neighbourhood kids

[Imdonewithsergio]

do your neighbours automatically assume their children can use your kids paddling pool? We have one neighbour who will literally send her child out with her swimming costume on if our pool is out. Child is 4. We have a large family (5 kids under 8). So I don’t feel comfortable having another little boy to add to the mix. I’ve tried speaking to them but I’m made out to be a selfish killjoy. The child in question is absolutely wild and my own kids give up and end up out the pool. She also sends her child into other neighbours gardens to use their pool/slide/water table/trampoline etc. it’s getting to the point I dread sunny days as this child just assumes they can come in here and use everything (the pool in particular bothers me as it’s the safety aspect. My youngest is 3 months old so I’m fairly busy as it is, trying to deal with a baby and watch my own young kids in water. Even with DH here it we are keeping a constant eye on them).

Am I just being miserable though?

Good point about the risks of him wriggling and hurting himself if OP lifts him back over.

I think you just need to say ‘not right now’ and hand him straight back over. This would annoy the hell out of me. Could you start lifting all of your children over the fence into her garden and disappear inside (just for a second to prove a point). If she complains, say that you manage to look after them all so it must be easy!!

What a brass neck! Don't worry about a good neighbourly relationship OP. Pretty sure that isn't possible with someone who would have the cheek to tell you to your face that you're being selfish for not letting their child have free run of your back garden while you look after him.

@Imdonewithsergio Good fences make good neighbours.

The parents of this rough boy sound lazy and are trying to palm him off on other families .

Not on.
If he was a quiet and responsible child, polite and nice to have around, it would still be too much having him plomped on you without prior arrangements.

Get a fence!

I understand how awkward it might be- I had a new neighbour say “ Shutting us out?” When I put up a solid fence.

I just said “ Everyone likes privacy”.

Good on you op! Good luck!
I’d make a plan of attack with your partner about how you’re going to approach the issue and think how you’ll manage their various possible responses.

‘No, I am not providing free childcare today. You need to stop sending him over. They don’t even play well together and I have enough to look after without adding another kid into the mix.’

I’d consider a fence like this one:make sure it’s electrified.

Rule one about other people's houses/property/money/time:
You wait to be asked.
She doesn't wait to be asked before dumping her offspring onto you, so if it was my pool, she wouldn't get.
Nor will I tolerate badly brought up kids. It's easy to see in her case, the apple didn't fall far from the tree- lazy and entitled parent, badly behaved kid.
Added to which, there is a safety aspect when it comes to water. You ought not to be taking the responsibility for the safety of her kid (which she clearly doesn't care about), or allow her kid's bad behaviour to endanger your own.
As for lifting over the fence, I suggest higher fences or putting a trellis or some floppy bamboo, as other have suggested, along the top- or long term, growing very, very spiky hedging.

😆

Indeed. If her kid is obnoxious, that's reason enough to exclude him. I woudn't want her around as well.

I was not prepared for the reveal that the neighbours simply punt their child over the fence every time their ears prick up at the sound of free childcare. Amazing

Wait ?! They have a pool and a hot tube- do a them. Walk in to their house, turn on the hot tub and get in, even better if u invite a friend or 2 round and when they all go all- wtf, u can just enter and mess with my stuff, just say back to them they're being a killjoy and selfish.

Also on a realistic note, it's actually a little sad how bored they are of being his parents that at any opportunity they just shove him off on to random ppl, rather than connect with him and offer him stability

Good one!

I had a neighbour permanently stop speaking to me (we had been good friends; drinks, Christmas gifts, etc) when i installed a privacy fence. 🙄

Say no. Not today. We’ve got things to do

Nope, this has absolutely never happened, but then you can't get in to our garden without going through the house or garage. Pretty much every child, bar family, who comes to play does so only if they've been invited, I definitely wouldn't let just anyone in whenever, especially not an unaccompanied 4 year old! You neighbour is a class act CF, I'd definitely be refusing anymore "playdates". If the kid can get into your garden without asking you first, maybe you need a fence/gate/lock.

Why would she want his CF mother sitting there in her garden?

i would also consider CCTV in case she lifts him over and something happens while you’re not there - it would demonstrate at least that it was her putting him in danger.

This. Just explain it’s not safe and that you can’t do it anymore.

you’ve been to nice and you need to put a stop to it.

if she says you’re excluding him say you’ve not said no before which proves you’re not excluding him but she’s more than welcome to buy her own pool and you won’t expect your kids to be invited over

This post sums it up. Walk away if she starts trying to blame or accuse you of anything. She is actively trying to avoid parenting her own child.

I wouldn't worry about trying to have a good relationship with her, she is unlikely to ever offer to do anything for you. If you manage to upset her, perhaps she'll stop trying to dump her kid on you? Win/win.

As I get older and less tolerant, I'd probably just ask her why she doesn't give it up for adoption if she doesn't want to be bothered parenting it? I'd also probably say that if I find any strange kids in my back garden, I'll be ringing social services or dropping them off at the local police station.

If her DC is lonely, she needs to entertain it or invite its friends over like other (normal) parents do. Don't let her try to guilt trip you; the guilt is with her.

Who on earth voted YABU, I really thought this thread would be 100% YANBU

It's not the pool, is it, OP? your neighbours have a hot tub and a pool, It's free child care. And while I have no sympathy for them, I do have for a neglected boy who they are not bothering to look after and socialise. That is not your problem. Speak to them while putting the fence up. If he were to drown in your pool or drown someone else (while catastrophising) who is responsible?

The fact they are shoving a 4-year old into another garden and disappearing is just nuts. Who does that with a 4yo?! Add the water aspect and supervision and it’s an even bigger no-no.
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If they have their own pool then you know for sure this isn’t about the water time, it’s purely using you as childcare. Which is outrageous.

If you don’t want to have a proactive conversation with them, then take him home straight away every single time until they get the message.

If they are so rude that they claim that you declining to babysit him is ‘selfish’ then you’re not dealing with any kind of normal grip on manners and should not worry about upsetting them.

No is a full sentence.

Clearly this is not ok, and you need to tell them that.

When I have said anything they have said that I’m being a bit selfish as he can see our kids playing and feels left out

Thats fine, they can think you're selfish.

I think you're doing the right thing saying no. Too bad their child feels left out, theyll just have to parent through that.