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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your abusive parents offered you £70,000 - would you take it?

139 replies

Thenamechangey · 03/06/2023 22:04

You don’t talk to your parents because they were very horribly abusive - physically, mentally and emotionally. You haven’t talked to them for three years because of their behaviour.

They get in touch and offer you £70,000 because they’ve sold a property and want to give you the money.

Would you take it?

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 03/06/2023 23:58

Yup! Then right back to NC.

Wisterical · 03/06/2023 23:59

No, definitely not. I would not give them the pleasure of thinking they'd helped me or salve their conscience (if they have one).

Sumthingsweet · 04/06/2023 00:01

Lots of worthy charity’s out there

Tiredskin · 04/06/2023 00:02

Yes definitely take it

MattySwiftlysings · 04/06/2023 00:11

I would consider it dirty money, even if it was thought of as compensation.

Judge people on their past actions, not their current gestures.

If you have siblings & they haven’t received this money, their Will may state (if you are to receive anything) that this £70k is to be deducted from your inheritance but not theirs.

If your abusive parents offered you £70,000 - would you take it?
Bayleaf25 · 04/06/2023 00:19

Sorry, I’m in the other camp, no I wouldn’t accept it. I would respect your decision though.

Original poster
Thenamechangey · 04/06/2023 00:21

Thanks everyone who commented on this. I took the money. I haven’t been in touch with my parents and can’t see me doing so. If they get in touch they’ll have a lot to answer for.

OP posts:
Dontsayyouloveme · 04/06/2023 00:24

For sure! See it as compensation x

scoopoftheday · 04/06/2023 00:29

No.

I wouldn't clean my ass on his dirty rotten blood money.

But I don't judge you for taking it.

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 04/06/2023 00:34

Yes. Very similar situation in my family, take the money!

Notsurewhatodohere · 04/06/2023 02:18

It's a very personal decision, in my case it's a bit easier to accept the money as I would only get it as an inheritance so the family member would be gone and it wouldn't feel so much like a bargain of some kind but I still feel that whatever I get will be dirty money. If it comes my way I will take it though I feel that my childhood set me back, I've been given no support and it's taken a lot of work of my part to get on track so if I can get some financial support I see that as the minimum compared to what others who are more fortunate get. Sending hugs.

mjf981 · 04/06/2023 04:00

I would take it, if I needed it and it would actually change my life.

If I was doing well already and it wouldn't materially affect my life, then I wouldn't.

suburbophobe · 04/06/2023 04:27

Yes, I would.

I would see it as saying sorry for their treatment of you. And go no-contact.

In my country you cannot disinherit your children (unless they are a junkie or somesuch).

DreamTheMoors · 04/06/2023 04:55

A wealthy man wants to pay you £70,000.

You think about it, but eventually say okay.

He then offers you £7. You get offended. He asks why, because you’re willing to accept money.

All the rest is just negotiation.

Dorrmouse · 04/06/2023 04:58

What's the catch? With people this toxic there's always a catch...

chezpopbang · 04/06/2023 05:27

No way would I take it! If they are abusive they will use this as a control or way to get back in to your life. If they really want you to have it they will give it when they die. Which I guarantee they won't do because it is the control they want

rowanrome · 04/06/2023 05:38

I cut my father and his wife off over 25 years ago because of the damage the abuse I suffered from childhood had caused. Without my husband and our children I very much doubt I would still be alive today, I still suffer with ptsd and other complex mental health issues, sometimes requiring inpatient treatment. We live in a housing association flat after losing everything 5 years ago, directly attributable to my health. I come from a very wealthy background but hell would freeze over before I would accept one penny from those abusers.

habiller · 04/06/2023 05:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

laceydoily · 04/06/2023 05:56

Yes I would. Then I'd cut contact. They can impose strings all they like, doesnt mean you have to be their puppet, no way they can enforce that. I'd take it and then tell them its to make a healthy life away from them.

FiveShelties · 04/06/2023 05:57

No I definitely would not, whatever I did with it would always be tainted.

SoCalLiving · 04/06/2023 06:10

Hell yes. The only condition under which I wouldn't if I was contractually obliged to have contact with them. If there's no contract then I will happily take that money and go back to being NC with them.

Inkanta · 04/06/2023 06:18

Yes I would. I'd need to compartmentalise. See it as legitimate compensation and also useful money for my kids. Then go back to reduced contact. Or NC.

AMonthOfSundaes · 04/06/2023 06:35

There is no such thing as a free lunch.

That £70k will end up costing. So no, I wouldn't.

Original poster
Thenamechangey · 04/06/2023 06:44

Thanks to everybody who has replied to me about this. I’ve not tagged anyone, but can hopefully answer a few of questions posted above.

This scenario happened to me nine months ago. I took the money, and put it towards a house deposit with my amazing fiancé. We couldn’t have afforded the property without it.

I think I have viewed the money a bit like ‘compensation’. I’ve spent a large chuck of my life dealing with depression, anxiety and PTSD. There is no doubt the experience has heavily impacted my life. I have no relationship with any of my family due to what happened (none of my siblings know the circumstances - it’s a fairly long and complicated story).

Since receiving the money, I’ve had no contact from my parents. I agree that there will be strings attached to it, and I feel pretty depressed about accepting it, but it has made my day to day life a bit easier.

OP posts:
Oversharingnamechanged · 04/06/2023 06:49

Thenamechangey · 04/06/2023 00:21

Thanks everyone who commented on this. I took the money. I haven’t been in touch with my parents and can’t see me doing so. If they get in touch they’ll have a lot to answer for.

I'm proud of you for accepting it, 70k is a massive amount and whilst no amount can make up for what they did, it can help you with whatever you wish now.

When my abusive father died he had about 600 pounds in his account and I was reluctant to accept it however an uncle said to me, "he's taken so much from you, just take your kids out for a fabulous day and spoil them rotten" and I did. And bought my eldest an xbox.

I assumed I'd feel shitty accepting anything from him dead or alive, but being able to just randomly have a really good expensive day out and buy whatever my DC wanted for a the day was tremendous fun!

Enjoy the money, its a large amount so I hope it brings you some ease and improves your life.

They took so much from you, accept something back as my uncle said x

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