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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your abusive parents offered you £70,000 - would you take it?

139 replies

Thenamechangey · 03/06/2023 22:04

You don’t talk to your parents because they were very horribly abusive - physically, mentally and emotionally. You haven’t talked to them for three years because of their behaviour.

They get in touch and offer you £70,000 because they’ve sold a property and want to give you the money.

Would you take it?

OP posts:
Mumof1andacat · 03/06/2023 23:02

They will use it against you. Don't take it

spacemumm · 03/06/2023 23:05

Yes!

magma32 · 03/06/2023 23:06

PerpetuallyIndecisive · 03/06/2023 22:57

OP - in my experience; people who are abusive to their kids are extremely self delusional. I imagine that not taking the money wouldn’t have proved anything to them that they couldn’t twist to their own narrative anyway. They’ll probably always think how they want to about themselves, whatever you do.

You’ve taken the money, but you’re under no obligation to spend it. Give some thought to how you might use it to bring you peace. Therapy? Charity? Treating loved ones? Funding a dream?

You have suffered at their hands and deserve peace. They might as well pay for it.

Exactly this. If I refused to take it they would just think “ungrateful bitch” and feel like their conscience is clear simply by offering it. It makes no difference how I am seen by them as either way they will be pleased with themselves so I might as well get some benefit from it, no love lost or gained.

TooJoy · 03/06/2023 23:09

I’m glad you took it, it’s the least they can do.

Don’t feel bad.
You deserve something nice from them after so much crap.

jannier · 03/06/2023 23:11

Yes but I wouldn't say I forgave them or start talking to them.

SemperIdem · 03/06/2023 23:12

Yes. I’d consider it reparations, take the money and never speak to them again.

39cupsoftea · 03/06/2023 23:13

No way i would rather eat rice and beans for life all the money in the world cannot change what my parents have done to me i have PTSD and anxiety im still scared of things today i suffer with child hood trauma flash backs ive been NC for decades because of them i went though hell i moved miles away and still i get scared im single because i dont like men need i say more .
i do have a lot of help from my gp and a support worker .sorry for the rant .

jannier · 03/06/2023 23:14

Thenamechangey · 03/06/2023 22:51

I took the money. I think I switched off a bit and viewed it as something I could use for myself and my partner. I saw it as being useful, I didn’t have any more contact with my parents. But I now feel like a “sell out”.

Could you use some to get counselling or look into reporting them if they haven't already been investigated?

SnugAsA · 03/06/2023 23:15

I can imagine feeling that whatever you decide to do, it's the wrong decision, but I certainly wouldn't think someone accepting the money had 'sold out' in any way. It's normal for parents to give money to their children, if they have it to spare, either in life or as an inheritance. Everyone who matters to you should understand that the money doesn't excuse bad past behaviour, regardless of how your parents may choose to view it.

If you don't feel right spending it, invest it for the future. You may need it later.

highlandspooce · 03/06/2023 23:20

I will get an inheritance, which I will accept. I don't feel that's the same as accepting money while they are alive at all. They won't know. They won't have given it willingly. They won't get to absolve themselves of any wrongdoing because 'we have you so much money' - but yeah an inheritance is different imo. So I will take it.

Gingernaut · 03/06/2023 23:22

It depends on what strings are attached.

Curseofthenation · 03/06/2023 23:22

The thing is...they are never going to fully acknowledge or own how they treated you. They also couldn't go back in time and change anything even if they wanted to. Finally, if you didn't take the money then it would likely have been spent on themselves, which they don't deserve.

I would therefore accept knowing full well that refusing the money would make no difference to the past, or to my future actions.

It doesn't matter if it makes them feel slightly better or not that they've helped you fincancially. The type of people that abuse their own children obviously don't get much joy from being good people. Any good feeling won't last...and they'll soon be reminded of their shitty actions by the continued lack of contact.

NewDogOwner · 03/06/2023 23:28

Consider it reperations.

watcherintherye · 03/06/2023 23:30

Yes. Unless it was hedged around with caveats and obligations.

Thepossibility · 03/06/2023 23:31

I would only accept money from them if it was inheritance after their death.
Until then no.
There is no way there would be no expectations that come with the “gift".

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 03/06/2023 23:35

Nope the whole point of nc is nc

Sumthingsweet · 03/06/2023 23:35

Give it to charity then ?

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 03/06/2023 23:40

Unless there were conditions attached then yes I'd take it & use it for something that would benefit my DC like clear the mortgage, move house, things/opportunities for DC etc.

I'd view the money as 'compensation'

Original poster
Thenamechangey · 03/06/2023 23:42

Curseofthenation · 03/06/2023 23:22

The thing is...they are never going to fully acknowledge or own how they treated you. They also couldn't go back in time and change anything even if they wanted to. Finally, if you didn't take the money then it would likely have been spent on themselves, which they don't deserve.

I would therefore accept knowing full well that refusing the money would make no difference to the past, or to my future actions.

It doesn't matter if it makes them feel slightly better or not that they've helped you fincancially. The type of people that abuse their own children obviously don't get much joy from being good people. Any good feeling won't last...and they'll soon be reminded of their shitty actions by the continued lack of contact.

This is fairly accurate. I think they know they’ve fucked up massively. I suspect they’re pretty unhappy with their decisions.

OP posts:
NCGrandParent · 03/06/2023 23:44

No. I'm interested to know if those saying yes have been abused by parents? I am NC with a parent and I cannot imagine accepting such a "gift" (and it wasn't as serious a situation as OP seems )

Sumthingsweet · 03/06/2023 23:45

What’s NC ?

Sumthingsweet · 03/06/2023 23:45

Got it no contact

QuintanaRoo · 03/06/2023 23:53

My mum offered to leave me over 400k if I’d start talking to her again. I declined.

if she’d offered me the 400k with no conditions I might have said yes……though she’d probably have then tried guilt tripping me for remaining NC.

littlehoops · 03/06/2023 23:53

Thenamechangey · 03/06/2023 22:40

Thank you for the responses, so many of them spell out what I think.

I took the money. After weeks of consideration I took it.

So far they haven’t been in touch, but I feel deeply depressed about accepting it.

Ah OP, you shouldn't feel depressed about it...presumably this amount of money will improve your life in a good way! If you can, why not use some of it to do something good/lasting? You could hep to fund a project for children who have gone through something similar or something else. Money is a tool which can be used to improve your circumstances but also help others too. That might help to ease some of the yuck you're feeling. 😊

Sumthingsweet · 03/06/2023 23:56

If you donated it to charity might heal your depression and you would feel so good that something positive came out of it ?