Mid-40s suddenly jealous

[greeneyedredface]

I have disabled voting as I know I’m being a massive entitled brat. This may also be triggering for those on the breadline so please look away if this is likely. I don’t mean to cause offence. I just want a selfish rant.

I know comparison is the thief of joy so why now?

I used to be very satisfied with my achievements, lifestyle and family a few years ago. After DC, I was eased out of my career and to be honest, I had lost my passion for it anyway. After licking my wounds, I managed to land better paying roles since anyway but without the ‘glamourous’ part. But all of a sudden, I find myself getting bitter about other’s achievements or lifestyles. Just a twinge here and there. I’ve realised nearly everyone in our various social circles is either better off financially or seems to live as though they are. I am talking about foreign holidays for every half term, constant home improvements or moving into better areas, huge promotions or launching successful businesses. DH and I are salary slaves, both from poor backgrounds so have been too scared to set up on our own etc and have always played small in terms of buying a house we could pay down quickly rather than pushing ourselves to get the biggest and best while young. Big mistake!

I just don’t have the drive to be at the top in the corporate or creative world. Some friends have either that drive or have been massive successes in creative careers or have gone on to write novels etc. Meanwhile, I feel like I am treading water in a relatively low stress job which I find stressful the minute I have to juggle more than one project.

I am also massively overweight (though am on Ozempic and it’s coming down a little). I see friends looking better for their age with every passing year whereas I am now an unattractive frump. I was always chunky but OK looking until the last few years.

I feel like my best years are at least five years behind me while others are on the up. Even today, a friend is at a top event in a corporate box and I feel a bit envious (I don’t even enjoy these things but know DC would have loved it).

I am even jealous of friends who have well off parents with lovely country homes they can just visit in the weekends when they want a break from London. Our families are abroad and costs to visit have doubled in recent years.

Several friends have lost their lives in recent years, leaving young DC behind so I know how pathetic I sound.

I feel like a fat, entitled, moaning loser and I don’t even want to hang out with me.

Why is this hitting me now? Has anyone else overcome these feelings? Is there anything practical I can do to get my sparkle back?

Oh OP how I hear you. 49 here and feeling the same. Also fat and ashamed of my greed. Going to follow the thread with interest. You definitely aren't alone.

Thank you @Bookridden for the solidarity. Maybe it’s because we are at best in the second half of our lives and this is the disappointment/fear coming out about what could have been? But to be honest I don’t even have a vision of what my ‘ideal’ life would be. I thought when the second DC was born that actually I had almost reached it and it was just going to get a bit better every year. Pah!

I don't really experience this as I am pleased with what I have which sounds like an annoying response. The things you describe don't appeal to me. I don't want a foreign holiday every half term or my own business or to be networking in some glamorous job. I want to spend time with my family and friends and I want to do things that I enjoy and that interest me so that is what I do. If you really want the things you list you should go and do them. Do you really want them though? Would you not have already gone down that route if you did?

Good point @Applecoresweet. Worth reflecting on… I guess with no family apart from DC and DH in the country I don’t have that desire or opportunity. Hanging with friends is great but I find hosting really draining and stressful and try really hard but don’t ever feel it’s effortlessly relaxing.

YABU. You say you don't want all that stuff but you do. Life isn't perfect, there's a trade off for everything. These friends of yours stuck it out at the corporate job and they probably don't love everything about it either. You need to figure out what you want and what you're willing to do for it!

there will always be someone richer than you or better looking - where does it end.

and I’m in the corporate world and there is always a trade off - do you really think your more successful friends are actually happier, more fulfilled, less stressed, truly content with their lot and not craving other things? Definitely not - they are looking at another family and wanting a better car/house/clothes and it goes on

the human brain craves and thinks life will be better if we just have x,y or z - but life doesn’t work that way: we get x,y and z and we just want a,b and c

There may well be some things that could make you happier - perhaps continuing your health journey to get fitter and have more energy

or maybe you do want a higher paid corporate job - although ask yourself if that’s really the case: if it is then go for it - you are still young enough

Objectively you know you are lucky and doing well - plus it’s a brilliant decision that you bought your house and won’t have a mortgage at the age of 70

@Grumpy67i8 You’re right. They had staying power whereas my boredom threshold is super low.

Thanks @Namechanger355 . When I read ‘maybe you want a higher paid corporate job’ I felt very unenthusiastic! I think it’s the use of the word ‘corporate’. So my friends are a mix of high flyers in finance or high flyers in the creative industries. I was eased out of the latter but have some transferable skills that I’ve put to use.

As for the mortgage thing, we have been looking to move as have lived in the same house for 16 years and feel like we need a change. But again, there is nothing really wrong with our house! I would like it to be wider and detached with a bigger garden but that’s an extra million in similar areas in London… It is just ridiculous. Totally agree about the whole affluenza thing.

Does anyone have any tips for how to find or be inspired to lead the life you really want? I know it’s not always about selling up and backpacking around Latin America or doing anything radical… I follow a few Facebook groups about living abroad which are interesting but that’s not practical at this point with DC’s education and I’m not sure that will solve anything.

But what small things do you do to find new joy?

I realised the other weekend I felt quite happy and it was because I had a few sociable chance meetings that were unplanned.

Do you think perhaps you want the ‘option’ to be able to do these things rather than actually wanting to do them? (If that makes sense). I have a corporate trip away in a couple of weeks, it sounds pretty glam from an outsiders perspective and all my younger colleagues are looking forward to it, as I would have when I was 25, but at 48, I can’t be arsed. I’d rather be at home in my PJ’s but would be miffed if I hadn’t actually been invited. That’s not terribly clear or helpful actually is it…..I think it’s what we think we should be doing that’s the issue as opposed to what we actually want to do.

How about looking from another perspective? If you were looking back on your life when you were 100, what memories would you like to have? What would you like to see? These are your values.

I think what you feel is very normal. Envy is a human emotion like any other and serves to tell you something isn’t quite right for you.

So I would suggest spending some time thinking about what it is you “want” ( not physical things) and what it is you feel you are missing.

I went through a period in my late 30s where I stopped wanting pretty much everything I used to enjoy - shopping, fancy gym, fancy restaurants etc. None of it was bringing me joy and I felt like there was more to life. Trite I know, but I got out a piece of paper and wrote a list of what made me happy ( a cup of tea, a chat with a friend, a good book and being in my PJs, good food but not fancy food etc) and went from there.

On the money side, I earn a high salary as does husband - and more than most of the people I know ( not all, I know a few traders 😂 ). Yet most of the people I know are big spenders or their partners are and spend way way more than my husband and I do, and sometimes I look at the fancy watches and jewellery and holidays in nice hotels and do feel a little envious. Then I remember I am making a choice - I could have those things if I really wanted but I don’t.

By way of advice I would say: write a list of things you want for your life - as simple as it is, it is effective to then focus on those things. I even have a personal motto and a goal for what I want to be able to say at the end of my life and my kids to one day say about me. And it isn’t that I had a nice home and lots of holidays, or weighted a stone less.

wishing you the best in terms of feeling better about yourself 😊

Jinx @Custardonthehob !

I got out of corporate international company when I realised I was being tooo cynical about the job , it wasn't 'real' enough, and I didn't want to go to yet another meeting, hours away by a plane.

Do be aware many of the houses/.cars/foreign holidays are on borrowed money. This interest rate will kill them!

I guess it's a midlife crisis?

Also, DH and I also never borrowed the maximum we could have mortgage wise, we definitely could have taken a bit more risk but always wanted to be sure if one of us lost our job, the other could cover the mortgage. We have friends with bigger houses now who did take that risk, but we have no worries at all about interest rate rises on our mortgage, we now have a perfectly lovely home (although a bit more space and a bigger garden would be nice), but we could pay the mortgage off tomorrow if we wanted to. The peace of mind that brings is worth so much more than an en suite bathroom!

I m on the receiving end of bitter jealousy at times and I m quite resentful of it, and think it stems from entitlement, poor education, and insecurity.

Sorry to be so blunt, stop comparing! Just stop, you create your own happiness.

Be happy in your home, don't compare yourself to others. If you are overweight, then own it and make drastic changes if you need to. Walk, walk, walk everywhere.

Work on yourself, tease out your bitterness and come up with solutions on how to live your life better, without petty jealousies. People feeling entitled to jealousy irk me. Put your energy to better uses.

I think you need to find things that give you joy? A new hobby, new job, new friends? 🙃

I found that getting into a new sport, getting fit and active really helped me feel good about all aspects of my life

Losing weight, getting good cardio fitness, toning up, all made me feel less "helpless" about ageing. Yeah I am getting older, but J am also fitter at 50 than I was at 40

Also made new friends

Find something new that gives you a spark

OP, it does sound like a bit of a midlife crisis to me. I had one too and even now I feel envious when I see other people who have more or better versions of what I have. Then I remind myself, there are so many people who would love my life.

Maybe you’re in peri too. This played havoc with my emotions.

If you truly feel unfulfilled maybe try a vision board exercise - that will help drill into exactly what you want from your life

and “how to get rich” is a good book - Ramit had a Netflix series on that recently too. It’s simply about how to live YOUR rich life - so for some that is a new mulberry bag every month, others it’s an island and others it’s a small house but lots of holidays and experiences, the idea is to have a set of rules which you follow that will allow you to truly enjoy your life and spend on the things you enjoy and love

so if you do truly feel like you need a larger house then fine - but yes being a Londoner myself very few people can afford to have a detached house with a wide garden in London unless they have a cool 1.5m plus

You’re right @edwinbear, it is partly that as I think money gives you freedom up to a point.

As for looking back on my life at 100, I find that thought terrifying! @Custardonthehob . Perhaps it is a mid life crisis as other posters have suggested. In fact, no doubt about it. But how do you get over the hump?

This

Are you a therapist, @ItsFineImFine ? Your advice is excellent. Thank you. I will do it.

I have watched Your Rich Life thank you @Namechanger355 ! To be honest I think you need 2.5m upwards for a house in zone 2 or 3 with those dimensions though! But as a previous poster said, I felt so ‘flat’ that back when interest rates were super low, I seriously considered us getting a mortgage that was nearly 7 figures!! And all for what? I suspect house prices even in London may cool eventually as the vast number of babyboomers start dying. Plus DH is just over 50 so the idea of taking on a huge loan and then maybe paying loads in inheritance tax for what would be a nice but not spectacular house does seem crazy.

Perimenopause did cross my mind @Wishihadanalgorithm … but I didn’t want to say it as lots of posters no doubt don’t feel as twattish as me!

Thank you for all the suggestions and empathy and head wobbles so far. Really surprised by the vibes as expected to get my over-sized arse handed to me.

The irony is that I have done several short life course type sessions over the years. Freedom comes up as a big value for me. Learning, Connection, Adventure and Expression.

The narcissist in me thought ‘Fame’ was essential in my youth but I had a teeny taste of it (literally a whirlwind few days) and I closed down quicker than an ITV inquiry.