Mid-40s suddenly jealous

[greeneyedredface]

I have disabled voting as I know I’m being a massive entitled brat. This may also be triggering for those on the breadline so please look away if this is likely. I don’t mean to cause offence. I just want a selfish rant.

I know comparison is the thief of joy so why now?

I used to be very satisfied with my achievements, lifestyle and family a few years ago. After DC, I was eased out of my career and to be honest, I had lost my passion for it anyway. After licking my wounds, I managed to land better paying roles since anyway but without the ‘glamourous’ part. But all of a sudden, I find myself getting bitter about other’s achievements or lifestyles. Just a twinge here and there. I’ve realised nearly everyone in our various social circles is either better off financially or seems to live as though they are. I am talking about foreign holidays for every half term, constant home improvements or moving into better areas, huge promotions or launching successful businesses. DH and I are salary slaves, both from poor backgrounds so have been too scared to set up on our own etc and have always played small in terms of buying a house we could pay down quickly rather than pushing ourselves to get the biggest and best while young. Big mistake!

I just don’t have the drive to be at the top in the corporate or creative world. Some friends have either that drive or have been massive successes in creative careers or have gone on to write novels etc. Meanwhile, I feel like I am treading water in a relatively low stress job which I find stressful the minute I have to juggle more than one project.

I am also massively overweight (though am on Ozempic and it’s coming down a little). I see friends looking better for their age with every passing year whereas I am now an unattractive frump. I was always chunky but OK looking until the last few years.

I feel like my best years are at least five years behind me while others are on the up. Even today, a friend is at a top event in a corporate box and I feel a bit envious (I don’t even enjoy these things but know DC would have loved it).

I am even jealous of friends who have well off parents with lovely country homes they can just visit in the weekends when they want a break from London. Our families are abroad and costs to visit have doubled in recent years.

Several friends have lost their lives in recent years, leaving young DC behind so I know how pathetic I sound.

I feel like a fat, entitled, moaning loser and I don’t even want to hang out with me.

Why is this hitting me now? Has anyone else overcome these feelings? Is there anything practical I can do to get my sparkle back?

I think you are in 'mid life crisis' and you need some spirituality in your life. Perhaps try medication/mindfulness and read the power of now or the monk who sold his Ferrari xx

I had a bit of a wake-up-call a few years ago when someone I went to school with became a published author. For a moment, I felt a deep sense of jealousy and unfairness, which was completely irrational. After all, I had written the draft of a novel a few years ago but never taken it any further. But then I looked objectively at his career history (his Linkedin profile was quite detailed) and had to admit that he had put the time in. Several years working in a bookshop. Working for a publisher. An MA in Creative Writing. He had spent time and effort and money building that familiarity with contemporary fiction, honing his writing and getting a book deal. I simply had to accept that I had spent those years doing other things, equally worthwhile things, things that I would not do differently if I had my chance again. There is an opportunity cost to everything, all our decisions, especially those that involve a huge commitment of time.

A few years ago I read an article on LinkedIn which went something like: 'Do you want to talk about learning French more than you actually want to learn French?' I can't find it anymore, but it was one of the most useful pieces I ever read.

You are mid 40s, this is not too late. My mid 40s galvanised me into thinking about what I did want to do, before my time was done. For years I had been hovering on the verge of doing a PhD. For several years in a row I had looked at the processes, hovered on the verge of putting in an application, thought about getting funding, missed the deadline due to being not quite sure or not having a proposal perfectly ready. That year, I decided that it was now or never. I put in a slightly imperfect application, got a place and simply began.

The world is still open to you. Why not have an open conversation with some of these people and ask their advice?

Thank you @Unexpectedlysinglemum . I did try daily yoga and meditation classes and breathing during lockdown via zoom. It was good and probably stopped me from going totally nuts. I have also dabbled in astrology and have the Power of Now in the house but didn’t get past the first chapter or so… Maybe I should revisit. Even had a few sessions with an Ayurvedic coach 😅. I am truly a parody. A less glam version of Ab Fab. Maybe I need to create a sitcom, Ab Flab.

Honestly, I think losing weight would make the most difference to you at the moment and is achievable so this should be your next project.

The rich parents in the country is not something you can do anything about, but maybe knowing you can set that up for your kids might help? Only if you actually want to eventually live in the country yourself though! Don't make yourself unhappy following a dream that isn't really yours.

For now though what I'm hearing is your job is ok but not amazing, works better for you to spend time with your family, but you're sad you're not as rich and glamorous as your friends.

Getting glamorous is far easier than getting rich, so I'd start with that. It's more important to do a little every day than have a big project you mean to do at the end of the week or month and never get around to.

What do you think? Would losing weight make you feel much better?

You aren't alone. I'm envious and bitter and feel no joy for others when they're doing better than me. Someone also (for complicated reasons) has stolen the promotion I was supposed to have lined up for me, so I feel like the odds are against me.

A bit more money or indeed a euromillions win, would be most welcome.

That is really inspirational - genuinely. Thank you @MaybeDoctor. Maybe you and @ItsFineImFine need to set up a coaching service together? I have had THREE former colleagues write novels (either popular or award winning or both) while they were on bloody maternity leave! Two of them with twins 😬. I could barely take a shower and breast feed. In fact I even failed at the latter!

For someone who achieves sweet FA, I do find it hard to focus on the present…I think I am more mindless than mindful.

That is truly shit @BillyNoM8s . I am sorry to hear about the stolen promotion. I do believe in karma though so watch this space. Thank you for your honesty and making me feel like I am not the only Billy no mates x

Yes I think losing weight is essential @ironorchids. It has truly become a health issue and I am reluctant to do certain activities with DC because of it. I am terrible at implementing habits but am also not good at being left with no structure. I seem to have no staying power and will read and dip into various eating plans or exercise routines before literally forgetting what I was doing.

I hear you.

Supposed to be going to a friend's party next week and I literally just can't bear to go. I'm overweight, nothing fits, I look frumpy at best, and the party will be full of people 10-15 years younger than me who have 'made it'. I could have made it, life choices I made meant I didn't.I also think they'll all be thinking, christ she's piled weight on.

DH even just said he's not sure he can bear to go either.

Definitely a mid life crisis and I'm right there with you.

Ok serious suggestion here, write a book. Self publish, make it a short one so it takes less time.

It sounds like the published author part gets you quite jealous. So make yourself a published author. Spend an hour every couple of nights if you can writing. Or if it will be faster, clean up your novel. Self publish!

Do you think you are having a mid - life crisis? This term was bandied about a lot in the 80s and 90s but it is still a thing that can affect people.

Can I ask where you go for inspiration? For example, if I was to create a mood board, I would probably end up looking at the same aspirational magazines that are trying to sell us an identikit lifestyle. So how do you find what other lives are out there? Even if it is just magpie-ing a bit here and there rather than radical overhauls. I do honestly believe if you can’t see it, you can’t be it. The poster above though you said ‘don’t make yourself unhappy by trying to live someone else’s dream’ has totally hit the nail on the head. I am trying to measure myself against conventional units of success and am not measuring up as frankly it was never what I set out to pursue…this has been better than therapy.

Unfortunately I don't feel the same I'm very happy with my life and kids and hubby. I gave up a good career to have the children and adore every day.We will never be rich or own our own home. Our bills are paid, we don't owe anything, we manage 1 new car for me and the kids and a small 2nd hand for hubby to get to work. We love and adore each other. We go away twice a year after term as its cheaper. In between we make our own fun with picnics,river swimming etc etc. Our kids are happy we are happy. I did feel body conscious after the kids for a short while as im not the thinnest either until someone pointed out how they wish there other half adored me like mine no matter if im big,small,well or unwell. Yes extra money would make life a bit better but would I personally change it even if I had money again. No I wouldn't, its what you make of it with what you have and being content and happy.

There is no ‘unfortunately’ about it @LadyJ2023 . Your happiness is something we should all aspire to. I totally agree different things make different people happy and maybe more money won’t make me happy. I do know richer people who are in really tense marriages and I wouldn’t trade with them. I need to find my own version of picnics and river swims.

I think money ties you down, people make money and can’t let go of making it. Op you are not caught on that hook, you’re just peering in.

enjoy your freedom of not having been sucked in.

if you enjoy social encounters engineer some more, do small things that make you happy

Can you imagine the actual hassle of going abroad every holiday, on top of visiting family in their country estates every weekend?!! All that packing and washing when you get back? Sitting about in airports/traffic jams/queuing through security. I mean the novelty would surely wear off! 😁

We have an aunt and uncle who have the big house etc you name it they have it and then it got me thinking just now the rest of our family work and do similar to us because we have to and that aunt and uncle are probably the only ones I know in the family who nothing is ever good enough no matter what they spend or make. They don't particularly have friends because there a little snobbish, they don't particularly laugh and joke and banter. There always going here and there abroad and you can guarantee they come back nothing was good enough. They have 2 married boys who have nothing to do with them and grandkids they don't see. It's like they've made there own little rich world but it's not a happy one. And get yourself out there you can't beat river swimming 😁 and you know it's not the toys or things bought for them our kids remember it's all the adventures we've made up for them they will talk about memories made so hopefully we are doing a not to bad job. Hey I know it's hard but you know look at what you have already and think on what you can do to change it for the better without money involved and act on it trust me it will work 🙂

It’s menopause.

Go to Turkey get a gastric sleeve, the weight will drop off, you ll feel a lot better!

Of I'm feeling a bit woe is me, I find it useful to play the game of 'who'd be jealous of me'. And I mean this in a grateful, not twattish way.
E.g. A woman who is struggling to have children would be jealous of my motherhood
A person worrying about how to pay their next electricity bill would be jealous of my regular salary
A person who can't get on the housing ladder would be jealous that I own my home
A person living with chronic pain would be jealous of my pain free life (even in my flabby body)

It's not the full answer to your problem but I find it helps get perspective.

Also perimeno made me feel down about myself/my life in general so may also be contributing.

I’d suggest getting very serious about fitness….honestly, your life is so limited when you’re not fit. I know it’s linked to money though as hard to find the motivation when you have to work so much.

I’d also suggest minimalism and frugality. I have found (although this will not apply to everyone), that having money in the bank makes me feel far better than spending it.

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel how you do….to be honest (and I don’t mean this horribly), I’d hate your life and I dread ending up as a wage slave. You do seem very conventional in your approach to life (like most people on here waffling on about corporate jobs etc) and I don’t really understand all that…is it because you’re around too many conventional people?. You do say that you value freedom though which is huge for me. I want freedom, nature, peace and quiet, books, adventure, good food and dogs and if I had to live in a camper van to get those things then I would.

I do think it's also a case that over time the financial differences become massive. When you’re young the corporate jobs pay a few tens of thousands more per year but after 20 years the difference becomes much starker. So that's probably hitting you too. I think you need to remind yourself why you made your choices and find something new to drive you. Health is also massively important, focus on that and you'll find yourself much happier.

Many people go through an 'I'm fed up with how things are now' moment and feel their best years are behind them.

They really are not though OP. When you're 60 you'll look back on you now and realise you had so many years ahead of you and that the future is exactly what you make it.

Think/make a list of all the things that are most important to you. Not just financially, but in the little bits of your life that make you content and joyful. Then work out a plan to make them happen. Think what you've achieved so far (amazing things). You started from a poor background and have had nothing handed you on a plate. Take that strength and just think of what you you can achieve in the next 15 years. Then do it.

Make getting to a weight that makes you happy a priority. You will feel amazing, healthier, prouder, more energetic. It will be an achievement nobody can take from you.

Also, and I say this kindly, you talk about yourself really negatively. If your friend talked about herself like that you'd be sad for her.

Be careful what you say about yourself as you are always listening.

I felt like this. Especially when my marriage ended. I wanted to have stayed with my first partner, kept the mortgage, the lifestyle etc. then I let my current partner. 21 years after we first got together. Then came the “we’d of had this, that the other” feelings. Then I came off social media and just lived. I have a terminal illness (though it’s not imminent). I have my little job, my very stressful children, his very stressful children, and we just……do. When you stop expecting or feeling like you aren’t doing great cos others are doing “better”. You just… do. And you learn that “just doing” is enough.
I wish I thought like this years ago though, but I’m even learning to stop thinking like that.
💐💐💐 (they aren’t real flowers but hey, today you got flowers) xx

OP I hear you and what jumped out at me is your weight. It will have massively impacted your self esteem, maybe slowly over the years and you are looking at life from the perspective of someone who maybe no longer loves themselves so much. I think you need to address this as priorty for a while and if you lose weight you will feel so proud of yourself and those feelings will fade. Easiest advice in the world to give I know, believe me I struggle with my weight so I know its not just a matter of deciding to lose it.

Were you one of those kids who was good at everything that everyone thought would achieve great things? And then you didn't... I think that's a real source of disappointment for a lot of people in 30s and 40s followed by guilt cos relatively speaking you don't have it so bad compared to others.

I've been always a bit posessed by the green-eyed monster myself so I get it.