Mid-40s suddenly jealous

[greeneyedredface]

I have disabled voting as I know I’m being a massive entitled brat. This may also be triggering for those on the breadline so please look away if this is likely. I don’t mean to cause offence. I just want a selfish rant.

I know comparison is the thief of joy so why now?

I used to be very satisfied with my achievements, lifestyle and family a few years ago. After DC, I was eased out of my career and to be honest, I had lost my passion for it anyway. After licking my wounds, I managed to land better paying roles since anyway but without the ‘glamourous’ part. But all of a sudden, I find myself getting bitter about other’s achievements or lifestyles. Just a twinge here and there. I’ve realised nearly everyone in our various social circles is either better off financially or seems to live as though they are. I am talking about foreign holidays for every half term, constant home improvements or moving into better areas, huge promotions or launching successful businesses. DH and I are salary slaves, both from poor backgrounds so have been too scared to set up on our own etc and have always played small in terms of buying a house we could pay down quickly rather than pushing ourselves to get the biggest and best while young. Big mistake!

I just don’t have the drive to be at the top in the corporate or creative world. Some friends have either that drive or have been massive successes in creative careers or have gone on to write novels etc. Meanwhile, I feel like I am treading water in a relatively low stress job which I find stressful the minute I have to juggle more than one project.

I am also massively overweight (though am on Ozempic and it’s coming down a little). I see friends looking better for their age with every passing year whereas I am now an unattractive frump. I was always chunky but OK looking until the last few years.

I feel like my best years are at least five years behind me while others are on the up. Even today, a friend is at a top event in a corporate box and I feel a bit envious (I don’t even enjoy these things but know DC would have loved it).

I am even jealous of friends who have well off parents with lovely country homes they can just visit in the weekends when they want a break from London. Our families are abroad and costs to visit have doubled in recent years.

Several friends have lost their lives in recent years, leaving young DC behind so I know how pathetic I sound.

I feel like a fat, entitled, moaning loser and I don’t even want to hang out with me.

Why is this hitting me now? Has anyone else overcome these feelings? Is there anything practical I can do to get my sparkle back?

OP, I'm sorry you feelthis way. I bet it is only temporary - it will pass.

Your post fascinated me because I have raged internally for decades at myself for being such a colossal underachiever, which I am. But I don;t tend to feel jealousy. From your pst I suspect you are making the mistake of comparing the achievements of one person (you) to those of Everyone Else. You will find yourself lacking. A has a great body and B goes on 4 holidays a year and C has a glam job and D published a novel etc etc.

If you want to lessen the jealousy, compare yourself with just one person, with their whole life. I remember being in a yoga class behind the most beautiful woman with a gorgeous body and graceful, easy postures. There was very overweight, sweaty me being all graceless behind her. I spent the entire class watching her jealously thinking "I wish i had her body." Then afterwards the teacher came over to speak with her and I couldn't help hearing that the woman had a degenerative disease and was struggling to manage it. I suddenly didn't want her body. I wanted my short fat ungainly one that was in good health.

I live in an area of great wealth, though we are not wealthy. I have seen couples with big houses, fancy cars go through hellish divorces. No one is immune to that.

But the key to jealousy is to recognise it as a road map. You want the things you're more jealous of. You're already losing weight - that's great. add some weight training to get you in great shape. You want more holidays, so look hard for discounted versions of what you like. I worked hard when DC were small to take them on two holidays a year - each one half the price of the usual. Some companies are just great value. Or pick places that no frills airlines fly to. Or look for 6-day or 5-day breaks which seem much cheaper pro-rata than a full week. If you book early flights for day one and evening flights for the final day, it feels like you've been there a week. And add something creative to your life.

The other thing is, do what you really, seriously enjoy doing and notice and appreciate yourself doing it. I was conscious we had far less money than all the other families locally. But we had more time. So many people over the years told me they thought we were the 'perfect family' because we'd go out for the day every weekend with DC - into town to look at an exhibition or for a picnic and a hike or to a gig. I was good at getting very cheap deals on theatre tickets or buying season tickets to places they loved. the families that went on three holidays a year were often shattered at weekends and did nothing with DC except ferry them to sports fixtures. No family time. So it's worth taking a long look at what you are already, unconsciously doing really well and can be proud of.

I think this is a really helpful post. For twenty years while DC were growing up I absolutely wasn't at all interested in sacrificing any time with them. I don't have much physical energy and I wanted it all to go to them - to be a parent who had time to help with homework, read bedtime stories, play stupid games, take them out at weekends. That meant I couldn't get up at 5am to write a book or even work full time.

Now they are adults and I finally don't have to spend all my energy on them, so I want to write a book, get fit, earn more. But I wasn't prepared to be absent during their childhood. And so I don't regret not being a go-getter in those days. I just want to be one now!

I hear you.

I've said this on similar other posts recently but worth repeating in case you find it helpful. Some tips to increase joy in daily life:

1. Make mundane things more fun e.g. listen to favourite, uplifting music (maybe music you loved in your teens or childhood, or new stuff that has caught your ear e.g. LIzzo!) while you make morning coffee, prep dinner, fold laundry etc.
2. Have a short enjoyable morning ritual. In winter mine is to put out food for the birds and then watch them feed as I have coffee. In summer, I take morning coffee to the garden swing. Just five minutes of sun on your skin, birdsong etc.
3. Do something new every day. Something you've never done before. Start small if you like - buy a different scent of soap, try a new cafe, walk down a road you've never been down, and gradually build to braver stuff - go paddle-boarding, invite someone you barely know for a coffee (doesn't matter if they say no), get a totally new hairstyle or makeover of clothes. It helps to keep a record in a journal of what you do each day.
4. Make sure you have some tiny thing each day to look forward to, even if it's just a favourite TV programme or a cool shower/hot bath; something small each week - a catch up with a friend, a cinema visit at the weekend; something medium sized each month, maybe a weekend away, a gig by a favourite musician, something big each season - a holiday, renovation of a room in the house, and something massive each year - a sort of milestone of life progress, could be a challenge you have completed like running a marathon or climbing a mountain, a once-in-a-lifetime holiday, writing a book, getting a new job, moving house, having a baby etc. That way you pay attention to small pleasures but also make sure you have some fun ones planned in advance. in the new year every year I usually look at the year ahead and make sure there are some big fixtures to look forward to - tickets to a favourite band, a family wedding, friend's milestone birthday party, a holiday and a couple of weekends away etc. Putting them in the calendar to have stuff to look forward to is quite important.

Oh and write bucket lists. Stuff you have always wanted to do but never done and stuff you want to do before you die. Include small things (like visiting a local tourist attraction you never went to because it's on your doorstep) and free/easy things like emailing an old friend as well as more demanding things. Some should be stuff you could do right now today, but you just never did. Then start crossing them off your list. Seasonal bucket lists are also fun - a list of stuff that helps you make the most of each part of the year e.g. picking strawberries, exploring rockpools, building a sand castle, eating fish and chips on the beach.

I know people who are extremely rich financially but are also time poor. They miss their kids’ childhoods, replace it with money and goods, and then lose all meaning to their lives when they retire because the kids don’t really want them around any more or keep them at arms length for the money.

Thank you so much @NeverendingCircus and @Wenfy and the many other posters offering advice.

Those who point out my lack of sacrifice are absolutely right. DH’s job is about to go BUT we have on paper had an amazing household income for two decades. We just haven’t lived like we have and have instead focused on paying off mortgage and DC education rather than ‘fun stuff’. I have definitely lost my zest for my original career and don’t want it enough to have sacrificed being able to spend time with DC or not to have to work weekends etc. I also avoid pain and discomfort and I think you need to be willing to take both - both mental and physical - if you are to get fit or be at the top of your industry.

The milestone thing is interesting as I think that’s what’s been missing. Ticked off the two kids, paid off house, had 15 minutes of pseudo fame, been to every destination in Europe (almost) that I’ve wanted to visit.

Not interested in a marathon or climbing a mountain. Maybe interested in a book or script…

Nothing grabs me as a milestone I want so I guess I have fixated on lifestyle way too much which is ultimately shallow and unsatisfying.

Excellent advice about not comparing yourself to a fleet of people as you’re right, they don’t all have everything at once.

When I say I’m jealous I don’t meant I have anger towards successful friends. The grumpy feeling is definitely turned towards me.

I guess there is just a general feeling of pissy perimenopausal malaise.

You have all given me inspiration. So much so that I booked a long haul trip last week…

I'd call that long haul trip a milestone. We did one 'trip of a lifetime' holiday with our kids. We'd had some good holidays before but that long haul one was, for all of us, one of the most fantastic times we ever had together as a family.

@greeneyedredface - another thing I've started wondering about is - when did it become so fashionable to be perpetual high achievers? Why is living a normal life now a sign of failure? If you have a home, a job, kids, a good marriage, some nice holidays - how is that not a measure for happiness? I don't want to feel I can only be happy if I write a bestseller or earn six figures. I think a sickness in our society is the overwhelming respect we have for money. Money just isn't all that as far as I'm concerned. i'm baffled by the need for a new kitchen every few years. It's nice to have a pleasant space for the family to gather, but if it's clean and tidy and well loved, you can cook just as well in an unfashionable kitchen. It really can't matter as much as so many people think it does. Time is what I love having loads of.

Not read the full thread, but I have slightly similar. For me it's the fact I feel like my "one day" years are coming to an end. I felt there was always time to achieve the things I wanted to achieve, I could do that or be there or have that "one day". Now I feel like that's coming to an end, I am nearing the peak of my potential in terms of career and earnings and I am not happy with how far I got. I will never have a huge house or yearly holidays to mauritius or things like that.

BUT, I try reason with myself why. It's because I chose my relationship, family and work life balance. I chose security and less stress. I chose time with my kids. And I still have a pretty successful career - not high flying, but good. And actually I am ok with that. So for me, focusing on what I chose and benefitted rather than what I didn't achieve has really helped me.

You’re so right @NeverendingCircus but I was very driven at school and wanted to run the UN… I was always a maximalist. If I couldn’t be the best, I wouldn’t think it was worth my time. Big mistake! I was pretty good at several things that did on occasion lead me to making six figures (in a good year) but it was never about money for me. More about recognition.
I realise now part of that was conditional love from parents who expected me to
achieve.

I am now fighting the urge to repeat the pattern with my DC who seem extremely happy being average! 😅

This is me as well. I was a high achiever as a child, told I could be whatever I wanted, and wanted to be president (or where I dont know, the world probably). Instead I have ended up really quite ordinary. And run out of time to be extraordinary!

@Nordicrain I’m sure you’re not ordinary. If it’s not too outing, feel free to tell me
about your life.

Do you think this is just part if growing up? I wonder if it’s just that the world
revolves around you when you’re a child
(in your head if not at home) and then you work out you’re not so special after all and then middle age hits and you can’t be arsed with being special.

I think the time of life that you're at is when you start to see the culmination of the drip-drip-drip impact on life.

By that I mean, there will be friends of yours that maybe from their 30s upwards have:

Walked the last mile to work
Cut out the evening glass of wine/packet of crisps in the afternoon
Paid a bit extra into their mortgage/pension
Worked the extra shifts
Got the extra qualification
Bought the bigger house that needed work (& have now done the work)
Used sunscreen everyday
Made dinner rather than order take out
Done their own cleaning/gardening/ironing rather than paid for it

Little things, that on their own don't seem that much, but over time ends up being thousands of calories burnt/less calories consumed.
A mortgage being paid off early/a larger pension
Extra savings
Better job prospects
A bigger house
Better skin
Healthier diet
Savings/more energy burnt

At the time you didn't notice they were doing anything differently to you, but 10-20 years later, their is huge disparity in wealth/physical fitness/size/potential retirement age.

What appears to have happened overnight actually took years or decades to achieve, but as it was drip by drip, you didn't notice it and you're only seeing the lake of difference now.

But you can start making little changes now, so in 10 years time you'll be at a very different point to where you are today.

There is this but then don’t forget what people have in the background support wise too (not just inheritance) but what I’ve noticed not living near my family is what others gain in time/independence/support from having lived near their family. A friend of mine lives near her parents and siblings and they work amazingly together as a unit supporting each other, they to me have more time/able to do more work/ have easier weekends / school drop offs/pick ups and she would happily say it’s true and it’s why they’ve made the choices they’ve made,

Ive had friends do 4/5 years in Dubai and then able to buy two properties outright here in the UK, doing the same job I did but them tax free. So it’s these choices that make a huge difference, I’m keeping a mental note for my kids!

100% @StopMindlesslyScrolling .
Particularly about the fitness thing. The money side is less relevant as we were super frugal and had paid off one mortgage in our early 30s. BUT we
then upsized and became fixated on paying that off rather than taking on MORE debt to ride the capital gain. I get what you’re saying about saving the calories. But we made a big strategic mistake in not taking on serious financial risk earlier.
Kicking ourselves that we didn’t take out low cost Vanguard investments until recently. If we had started in our 30s - and taken out a massive new mortgage in a super expensive area - we would be reaping the rewards now.

There is also the drip of inheritance to friends from wealthy backgrounds which suddenly catapults them into a different space financially, although I get it comes at a huge loss.

Good point about family help and emotional support @NatureNurture85 . I guess we made that decision to forgo this by moving continents…I also remember the many families who don’t get on so am a bit jealous of this but also know it can go
the other way for many!

As for Dubai, hasn’t that ship sailed? I had heard that it is now too expensive to live there for you to be able to squirrel away much. We also have two DC at school with many years of education to fund. Sigh.

I m just recently back from a relatively modest holiday with my two early teen sons. The nicest, sweetest, aspect of the holiday for me was sharing banana splits and stopping by the teeny playground on the way back to the hotel and swinging on the swings, 44, 15 and almost 14 year old. We stopped by the swings about twice a day. The freedom, the social freedom to just do something childish and playful and enjoy each other s company.

I really feel the true pleasures in life are free and freeing. Living in our own simple, carefree bubble, enjoying our moments together, oblivious of other people.

Aaaand listening to the birds, enjoying the sounds of nature and the breeze. When we are old and in the nursing homes, these are the memories we will dwell on xx

@CreationNat1on I totally agree (and also sneak goes on swings when play parks are empty.)

Stuff has very little value. Money is great for buying security, comfort and longed-for experiences. Beyond that - it's over-valued in our society and the cause of so much unnecessary stress, grief, cruelty, exhaustion, regret.