Mid-40s suddenly jealous

[greeneyedredface]

I have disabled voting as I know I’m being a massive entitled brat. This may also be triggering for those on the breadline so please look away if this is likely. I don’t mean to cause offence. I just want a selfish rant.

I know comparison is the thief of joy so why now?

I used to be very satisfied with my achievements, lifestyle and family a few years ago. After DC, I was eased out of my career and to be honest, I had lost my passion for it anyway. After licking my wounds, I managed to land better paying roles since anyway but without the ‘glamourous’ part. But all of a sudden, I find myself getting bitter about other’s achievements or lifestyles. Just a twinge here and there. I’ve realised nearly everyone in our various social circles is either better off financially or seems to live as though they are. I am talking about foreign holidays for every half term, constant home improvements or moving into better areas, huge promotions or launching successful businesses. DH and I are salary slaves, both from poor backgrounds so have been too scared to set up on our own etc and have always played small in terms of buying a house we could pay down quickly rather than pushing ourselves to get the biggest and best while young. Big mistake!

I just don’t have the drive to be at the top in the corporate or creative world. Some friends have either that drive or have been massive successes in creative careers or have gone on to write novels etc. Meanwhile, I feel like I am treading water in a relatively low stress job which I find stressful the minute I have to juggle more than one project.

I am also massively overweight (though am on Ozempic and it’s coming down a little). I see friends looking better for their age with every passing year whereas I am now an unattractive frump. I was always chunky but OK looking until the last few years.

I feel like my best years are at least five years behind me while others are on the up. Even today, a friend is at a top event in a corporate box and I feel a bit envious (I don’t even enjoy these things but know DC would have loved it).

I am even jealous of friends who have well off parents with lovely country homes they can just visit in the weekends when they want a break from London. Our families are abroad and costs to visit have doubled in recent years.

Several friends have lost their lives in recent years, leaving young DC behind so I know how pathetic I sound.

I feel like a fat, entitled, moaning loser and I don’t even want to hang out with me.

Why is this hitting me now? Has anyone else overcome these feelings? Is there anything practical I can do to get my sparkle back?

I've posted about this book before, but is really has changed my attitude about weight:

Fat talk, growing up in diet culture. Virginia Sole Smith.

Especially interesting if you have children.

Also, self esteem is linked to how we are doing in comparison to others. Almost like a competition in society. But, self compassion is about our relationship with ourselves. How we talk to ourselves and treat ourselves. Very different things. Mary Welford (author and and twitter) is a good source about this.

Sounds trite but although I sympathise op I really can’t relate. We are so so fortunate just enjoy what you do have. I have ended up working with the terminally ill so am genuinely appreciative of each day.

Agree with the getting fit and losing weight lost 2 stone and it does make you feel better and more in control. Plus you naturally put on weight as you age so you need to fight that

Hey OP I could have written a lot of what you’ve written. We’ve made other choices (kids in private school) so don’t have the money. I did take the leap and set up my own business but goodness me it’s stressful. I also have the weight issues (can’t find Ozempic but was on it for a while but I think it’s caused it’s own issues for me - please drink plenty of water on it!!).

We’ve been in the same house for 15 years it’s about location here (good schools ironically) so we’ve not moved as we love the area but like you if we want a detached property (affluent area Midlands) we’re looking at borrowing at least £650-700k and we just don’t want to do that.

Ive been working with a therapist on my self worth/self esteem, I’ve been putting in boundaries. I’ve been realising who/what are real friends/good friends. I’m making sure I’m spending time with the ‘right’ people socially and that’s really helping.

a big thing I’ve read though in your first post and I do it too, we all do! Is you’ve put all these lives/people on a pedestal and you know what even with the houses, the bling etc we’re all human. I feel once I start seeing people as equal I envy them less.

hope it helps! Ps DM and let me know where you get your ozempic from 😂

Also in the last 3 years we’ve lost friends and that really has opened my eyes. Everything is so so fragile it really is just gone in a day or could be.

Hi OP,

It sounds like you have a lot of very high achieving friends and acquaintances which has the effect of making you feel like the poor relation by comparison. You know deep down that your perspective is skewed because as you say, you know your household is in the top 10% of earners.

I strongly recommend that you take steps to broaden your friendship circle. I am in a similar-ish position to you in some regards and in the last decade I’ve made a concerted effort to make and deepen friendships with a number of different women. I meet up with them on a 1:1 basis which means we can speak in-depth about anything and everything in our lives and in doing so have come to realise that ultimately we really are all just women and none of our lives are perfect. The highest achievers have opened up to suffering with crippling anxiety (that I never would have suspected), imposter syndrome etc. On the other end of the spectrum, when I meet up with friends with very modest incomes and hear them speak of the frustrations of being moved on again from their latest rental home and having to move their DCs schools they’re settled in it’s very humbling and makes me appreciate my own home (even though it’s far smaller and simpler than some). Maintaining this range of close friendships adds so much to my life. I’ve read that relationships are one of the main factors for enjoying a happy and fulfilled life and can only agree as the regular texts about our niche ‘in jokes’, support through tough times and stimulating conversation in person seem like the antidote to jealousy and comparisons and dissatisfaction.

Try reading ‘I am Enough’ by Sheridan Stewart. It’s an easy and enjoyable read that resonated with me.

Good advice. You need to move in more normal circles. I was on the edges of an international elite set when we were in London - glad I am not now!

Years ago my friend and I were at a playgroup moaning and the lady we were sitting with to make conversation said her partner had recently beat her up and left so she was on her own now and had to live on a boat with two toddlers. Rather put my complaints about my broken dishwasher into perspective

If you spend you days comparing yourself to others, then I wonder about your own self esteem and need for external validation. There will always always be someone in a better situation than you, and if you go looking for it you’ll find it and it’s a loop of depression.

It is hard to change your thinking but it is possible. It’s worth thinking about small positives (but not comparing yourself to others eg don’t say “at least I’ve got x”, say “I’ve done this, well done me”). Do that every day, every time you do something good, inwardly praise yourself. Focus on you, not everyone else. It’ll take time but you’ll get there with effort.

OP - I came home from a dinner party last night feeling exactly like you.

mid - 40’s and really seeing the income difference with friends in more corporate jobs. I’m a single parent and had an expensive divorce which has fucked me financially. Had a career change after kids so behind the curve even in my reasonably well paid job.

I feel I’ve missed the boat in getting a high paying/corporate job- even though I know I’d would’ve been good at it.

I think it hits us now because that door is closed to us now.

but I’ve woken up today feeling it’s given me the boot up the backside I need to follow my ambitions.

this thread has some great advice and I’m going to follow it!

OP, I have published 3 books traditionally after I was 40, and am now working on my fourth. To do this, I got up at 5 am everyday for years, gave up all socialising, stopped watching TV, worked weekends and any time I could ( in the dentist's office, at football games etc)

I have lost weight in my fifties and am now a healthy BMI. To do this, I drastically slashed carbs and sugar, don't drink, and got rid of my car so I walk everywhere. ( central London so that's easy for me).

I am an immigrant and have no family in the UK. What family I do have are poor; and did not help us financially. I am financially secure. This involved a fair bit of luck as well as working all hours, but we also took several expat postings in very difficult countries ( think with terrorist problems and language issues). One posting involved being apart for years.

My point is: your friends' achievements didn't just fall into their laps. Most people want to write books but they don't want to get up at 5 am and give up TV. Most people want to lose weight, but they don't want to give up drinking and junk food. Most people want to be financially secure, but they don't want to move around a lot, leave their families and work all hours. I get a bit annoyed when people think all these things come easy and fail to see the immense sacrifices. What sacrifice are you prepared to make?

What strikes me is you say everything “exhausts “ you.

there can be reasons for this.

mental health ie depression or anxiety
physical health, if maybe your weight causes issue. But that doesn’t explain the work issue,
bone laziness,

you seem to want what others have, but you don’t want to make the effort to get it, so basically you want to not do the work more than you want the rewards.

it’s like loosing weight, often you need to want to loose weight more than you want the food, if you don’t, and you want the food more, then loosing weight will be virtually impossible,

so for me, the envy is all thr things you want, but you’re facing the hurdle of you don’t wish to do the graft to get it.

can you get the inspiration, all the classes and mindfulness in the world won’t give you that.

you need to want it enough, and right now you don’t.

I get it, OP. I was a high flyer academically, but became a teacher (and married a teacher) while many of my peers from university went on to do more impressive careers.

Both paths have their pros and cons. I didn't want a high-flying corporate career. The whole idea of it both bores me and sounds unpleasantly stressful. Yes sure, the fancy events and salary sound appealing. But is it worth it? I doubt it tbh.

You need to find other things to fulfil you. Make use of the fact that you do a low-stress job by using the energy you gain to do things you enjoy. Remind yourself that that the cool lifestyle of your wealthier friends comes at a price.

*Loose weight. Not lose. God.

But yes, everything comes at a price.

Clearly I haven't had enough coffee. Ignore my corrections. D'oh.

You had that world and it didn't make you happy. You don't know that the people you envy are happy.

I could have had the big house but it would have been stretching myself. I've now paid my mortgage and I'm enjoying spending that money on the house instead. The people on my life who boasted about the big houses and cars - some have lost them and some are now crapping themselves at the interest rates.

It's easy to say "if only" but it's pointless as you don't really know.

It’s really not about if they are happy and these posts giving it well they have all that stuff but maybe their lives are shite are quite distasteful. They are not what this is about, it’s about the op. Who is not happy. And she states very clearly she was very satisfied.

and she’s not happy for a number of reasons, from her weight to seeing others being better off than her. But she lacks the drive to do something about it, which could be health related or it could be in part about who she is.

she’s taking ozempic to loose weight, but says it’s slow. Potentially she’s looking for the easy answer there too, it’s hard to say but if massively overweight as she says then is she managing her diet and lifestyle with it, or relying on th4 drug to do the work for her, rather than help her.

it’s hard to tell what is causing her lack of drive and feelings of exhaustion, and she needs to spend time working that out.

however one thing it’s not about and that’s how happy others are.

You sound amazing, truly inspiring, understand true grit and hardworking with no safety nets. I ld love to have role models like you in my circle of friends.

Like you say, comparison is the thief of joy - and social media is the worst for that.
Remember, everyone is posting their highlights on FB or wherever. No one is posting about their grind, or the horrible/difficult times.

I'm a primary school supply teacher, and have missed this entire half term because of an awful head cold that has really knocked me for six. It's back to work tomorrow, and I'm nowhere near better. I had lunch with a friend last Saturday, and that's literally all I've done. But on FB, friends are posting all the fun things they've done. Whereas I've laid on the sofa in my pjs, feeling awful!

BUT, in 2.5 weeks, I'm off on a 2-week cruise to Iceland! So while my friends are back at work, slaving away, I'll be (hopefully!) exploring fjords and glaciers!

Life is full of ups and downs, OP.

TBH I think its easy to look upon a friend or colleague and think "Its all good for them!" Envy is pointless really.Some people aim high ,and although they reap the rewards.Its hard work , and you can never really switch off.So day to day your life is more manageable . Life for many western MC is often about reaping the goodies ,outdoing others and being thin.Not a recipe for long term contentment!

No, I am honestly not. I have failed quite badly at certain aspects of parenting- frequent name changer in that area- though I am trying to fix that now. I spent my twenties and thirties quite directionless- probably because the DC were hard work and I was exhausted-but then at around 40 I suddenly realised that I had to take control of my life and health. My dad died when I was about 35 quite painfully, and it drove home the message that life is short.

It's true, as PP said, that people only post their highlights on social media.

I have sympathy OP. I too work on a creative industry still at 61 and have a business with H. I'm not thin and am quite Mumsy these days. There are things I would miss that we get to do for free. However I envy 'you' - we don't own a house for instance and I panic about that. I'm also overweight by quite a lot but working on it and down 2 stone in 6 months. I personally would change your job and find something with at least a teeny bit of glamour in it, or at least a company with a bit of glamour- it even if it's a back office job. does make a difference - also focus on your appearance and weight- just getting glad rags on now and then, great hair etc can make you feel massively better.

I think your 40’s can be a great decade but it’s also a time where you find yourself reflecting on how far you’ve come and what next. I think you reach a big crossroad and you pause to regain your breath and, most importantly check in with the 40 (+) yr old you. You may find you don’t want the same things you used to & that your criteria for life has shifted. Coming to terms with that is fucking difficult because you may have to drop the things that used to work for you and then…… walk on down a different path that’s better for you

I think it helps to re-frame what you consider as high achieving. Society sometimes only seems to value particular work and financial achievements as high worth, but our reality is in large part made up of all the choices we make....big and small. I achieved a lot academically but then put everything on the back burner to work part time and also spend time as a SAHM. At the time , I definitely had moments of feeling like I had not fulfilled all my professional.potential. However, I remembered that time and being very present for my children was in fact my highest goal...and I had absolutely smashed it! From.the outside looking in i wasn't anything special, but for.me and my family it felt right. There were some frustrations that I needed to suck up and a few things that held me.back,.but I was heavily focused on my top priority.
My life circumstances have shifted a bit now and I have gone back into a full time position that I love. It's still not mega prestigious but feels like a jump.up and also comes.with more financial reward. I could push for the next step, but I'm not sure yet if I want to. I really value my quality of life and relationships. I guess what I'm saying is remember that every choice means not choosing something else. Would you really want to.not have what you do? It's good every few years to evaluate where you are at and if you want anything in your life to shift. I did this a couple of years ago and made some changes to friendships and work, but I will never ever regret the more low key approach I took earlier.

Maybe you need to make some changes, but view it as life goals and circumstances evolving rather than that you made poor decisions in the past.

Best wishes!

I've found my thread. I'm really struggling with these kind of issues at the moment. Reading your posts you are clearly far wealthier than us, and I don't know if that makes me feel worse or better...worse because I have less, but better because it shows me that in case I change my mindset it doesn't matter how much I have, I'll never be happy, so changing my mindset is what I need to do, and that is at least a starting point of realisation.

My DH and I have made loads of bad decisions. We bought a flat we couldn't sell, we missed out on property increases due to that. I was too lazy to do further study at the right age and missed out on my dream career and now do a job I hate with no progression. We have finally bought our first house with a garden for our 3 children.
But guess what? All our friends are now moving on to their 'forever' houses, or doing huge extensions. So the shine and excitement about moving into our first house has been stolen by the evil green eyed monster in my brain who now wants a 'better' house.
The only thing that's ever helped me before has been delving into spirituality. I've had times in my life where everything has gone wrong in a big way, and I found spirituality out of desperation. The times of deep crisis in our lives actually brought out the best in us. When I literally had nothing, I appreciated everything.

I also find surrounding myself with the right kind of person helps. I have a friend who is so peaceful and calming and never 'striving'. I can literally feel her energy healing me, and I leave our meet ups with renewed hope.
I have another friend who is always talking about her next extension, her next 30k promotion, her next fancy holiday and I leave feeling exhausted and depressed. The most interesting people often have little wealth, the loveliest homes are cosy and loved and full of happy people and laughter.

At this moment in time though I have reached a real crisis point and this thread is full of great ideas and wisdom, I'm glad you started it OP.

I think it's normal. You are at the stage of life where a lot of the 'I wonder how X will work out' questions have been answered. And it can feel kind of scary as it feels life options have closed down.

I have all sorts of what ifs. But really I have a pretty nice life, and even if I were to drop dead tomorrow I'd have had a reasonable run. And I definitely don't want to drop dead because I have the rest of my life to lead!

And I was lucky enough to be born at a wealthy time in history to well enough off parents etc and have had so much compared to the majority of humanity over the years. I could have been a mediaeval peasant or a childhood mortality statistic or a woman in modern Afghanistan. Which isn't to say I don't wish I could afford a better flat, or that I wish some relationship stuff had worked out differently, but those things don't consume me.

suspected peri and watching…