Mid-40s suddenly jealous

[greeneyedredface]

I have disabled voting as I know I’m being a massive entitled brat. This may also be triggering for those on the breadline so please look away if this is likely. I don’t mean to cause offence. I just want a selfish rant.

I know comparison is the thief of joy so why now?

I used to be very satisfied with my achievements, lifestyle and family a few years ago. After DC, I was eased out of my career and to be honest, I had lost my passion for it anyway. After licking my wounds, I managed to land better paying roles since anyway but without the ‘glamourous’ part. But all of a sudden, I find myself getting bitter about other’s achievements or lifestyles. Just a twinge here and there. I’ve realised nearly everyone in our various social circles is either better off financially or seems to live as though they are. I am talking about foreign holidays for every half term, constant home improvements or moving into better areas, huge promotions or launching successful businesses. DH and I are salary slaves, both from poor backgrounds so have been too scared to set up on our own etc and have always played small in terms of buying a house we could pay down quickly rather than pushing ourselves to get the biggest and best while young. Big mistake!

I just don’t have the drive to be at the top in the corporate or creative world. Some friends have either that drive or have been massive successes in creative careers or have gone on to write novels etc. Meanwhile, I feel like I am treading water in a relatively low stress job which I find stressful the minute I have to juggle more than one project.

I am also massively overweight (though am on Ozempic and it’s coming down a little). I see friends looking better for their age with every passing year whereas I am now an unattractive frump. I was always chunky but OK looking until the last few years.

I feel like my best years are at least five years behind me while others are on the up. Even today, a friend is at a top event in a corporate box and I feel a bit envious (I don’t even enjoy these things but know DC would have loved it).

I am even jealous of friends who have well off parents with lovely country homes they can just visit in the weekends when they want a break from London. Our families are abroad and costs to visit have doubled in recent years.

Several friends have lost their lives in recent years, leaving young DC behind so I know how pathetic I sound.

I feel like a fat, entitled, moaning loser and I don’t even want to hang out with me.

Why is this hitting me now? Has anyone else overcome these feelings? Is there anything practical I can do to get my sparkle back?

This.

The people who invested in their careers will start to pull away at this point and reach their best paying years, starting from mid-40s to 60. These will be the senior jobs that take up head space and require responsibility and commitment that not everyone will want to take on. Maybe their health won't be that good and their leisure time more limited. Everything is a trade off but work-wise, it is the golden/harvest stage of the career ladder.

I don’t think I have ever read so much wisdom on a mumsnet thread before. Thank you all so much, this is just packed with ideas and I hope that others who feel blah are reading this and learning from you all.

I experienced this today for the first time in probably a decade. Visited a couple for a get together who are a decade younger than us and have the most beautiful house with every home decor trend going, in a location that was PERFECT for kids.

Honestly DP and I have come home in a kind of daze. DP earns around 120k, we have 80k of savings and we thought we were doing pretty well. But we’ve got about 10 years left before retirement looms, his salary has peaked and still have £150k left of mortgage. The likelihood of us ever being in a similar situation house wise in the future is slim. I suppose inheritance might help us but I think we have hit our peak right now and it’s just depressing.

We tried to move but couldn’t find a house to move onto so gave up. I feel that time has just gone now. Everything is so expensive, there’s such a clamour for anything roomy or in a great location. You’ve got to a cash buyer with no chain to even stand half a chance. It’s like we are trapped and I think we’re just battle weary. The good times definitely feel behind us now. The excitement of new jobs, new relationships, babies and house moves. Now it’s just trying to save for old age and the kids Uni fees.

Thank you so much @Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould. I really feel ashamed moaning when I read what you have been and are going through. I have heard the ‘you are enough’ mantra but I think ‘doing is enough’ is even more effective. I wish you all the luck possible with your health and love and happiness. Without wishing to get too schmaltzy, I think you sound like you are the embodiment of living enlightenment.

Some great ideas here.

I was coming on to say this. Forget all the other stuff, you’re just a person doing their best who might need help with their hormone levels. Go to the doctors.

Snap snap snap @RudsyFarmer. This house hunting malarkey reminds me of first exploring diamond rings (yes first world example!). You would think that if you wanted something a bit bigger than, say, 1 carot, you would just pay a bit more. But the price for ‘a little bigger’ rises exponentially. And so it is with houses, certainly in London and the SE and home counties I imagine.

I too feel like all the ‘firsts’ have gone of raising young DC. Now we just have the dreaded teenage years to look forward to and empty nest syndrome. We are also staring down the barrel of retirement and DH also earns well.

About three years ago, we felt like we were on an upward swing financially. But we also missed the boat on trading up and now it feels like it’s too late. Friends who managed it have locked in their mortgages before rates flew up and are enjoying the free capital gain they are making on the back of near hyper inflation.

I hear what people are saying about frugality and despite having two - for now - really good wages, albeit uncertain ones for reasons I won’t go into - we feel like we are spending more than ever on less than ever.

And yet we are probably in the top 10% of households so are unbelievably fortunate. My parents were migrants to another country from quite an educated class. They started from scratch. Made a business. Then several years later lost the lot including the roof over our heads. I think it has made me really risk averse and insecure about money. That’s why we didn’t take risks. Yet part of me wonders if not taking risks is a massive risk too.

Those saying it’s menopause, I hear you. I do also wonder though if it’s just magnifying all the rational concerns I have?

I really enjoyed The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin- it’s about the authors journey to find more joy in her day to day life (without making radical changes like running away to live on a llama farm)

Honestly ready back all your responses, I feel like I have stumbled into a room of life coaches and spiritual sha(wom)men.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater your words are stupendously insightful. 💐 for you and your baby. I cannot imagine anything more emotionally painful having witnessed my friend grieving her child too.

On the Zerofucks land, I wonder if I was too lazy on my way there frankly. Can’t work out whether it’s this that has made me not live up to my academic promise in my younger years, or ‘perfectionism’: if I am not the best, why try? I think that has been partly at the centre of my weight struggle. I did manage to lose weight many years ago and keep it off for about six years but I have never managed to repeat that again despite trying the same and a billion things.

Also, I do hate the way I was treated ‘better’ just for being slimmer back then. It’s a bit like you are a more worthy person for your calorie deprivation… I guess the inner teen in me wants to give zero fucks for this too! But it’s getting serious now and it’s real heart attack territory. I must act now.

I think it has made me really risk averse and insecure about money. That’s why we didn’t take risks. Yet part of me wonders if not taking risks is a massive risk too.

Not taking risks could mean missing opportunities to better yourself or your financial position. It does require more effort and stress to take risks because you are changing course and things may not work.

You did not want that. But yes, there is a risk of being left behind if you stay in your comfort zone.

Draw a line. One end put someone you think is doing the absolute worst at what you’re feeling bad about / other end put someone who has everything you want in that area of life. Can be someone you know or someone famous. Then place yourself somewhere on the scale. You can do this with anything from achievements to weight to house situation. It might be helpful.
For what it’s worth no one I know in real life has much chance of ever living in or near London - so at least you have that.

This is incredibly sensible advice 🙏🏻

Is this a London thing? We both dropped out of the game and left London and our city jobs in 2008 for SW. Massive salary cuts but better standard of living here and genuinely dont feel this competition thing at all with our local friendship group.

To the poster who mentioned the Netflix Live Your Rich life programme, I do think travel is one of my ‘rich’ things. I would FAR rather spend on that than on new furniture or clothes. My neighbour was tutting that our back fence had collapsed for about six months but we had taken trips to Italy (twice) and Greece over that time but had not shelled out to sort the fence! To her, travel is not important and maintaining her home is everything.

Our fence is sorted now and…on the back of this thread I have just booked flights for the four of us (economy of course) to Asia this October where I hope to meet up with family who will fly in to meet us.

I think it might be a London thing @TheaBrandt . It doesn’t help that my DC’s friends’ parents are nearly all far wealthier - inheritance/proper financial services jobs/law firm partners/top medics and then my former peers have gone on to be famous etc in a creative type industry. These are two separate groups that barely overlap but it would be hard to get that concentration of ‘success’ outside the capital. Why can’t we be more like, say, Germany where you have literally dozens of cities that are on a near par with Berlin? The magnetism of London is totally distorted in the UK. While there are lots of other good cities, London’s pull us OTT compared to other European countries where the wealth and jobs are a bit more evenly spread.

Actually I’m just going to contradict myself and say that I imagine in somewhere like Liverpool or Cheshire, there is a lot of ‘competition’ about aesthetics and homes. I also know from having pals in the Midlands that there is a lot of peering over each other’s fences to see who has done what to their house. My friend has DC in a private school there and if anything the competitiveness sounds worse than London.

You write really well OP and have a great sense of humour too. You clearly have lots to give!

I love this quote and try to live by it:

"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you will look back and realise they were the big things".

Also, you may really enjoy the teenage years. Teenagers can be great fun as well as PITAs!

All the best.

Are you my twin OP? Cause we might have identical lives

The grass is not always greener on the other side you know, sometimes what you see in others is not always a nice reality,you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, these days people just pretend they all got their shit together, they act like they are living the dream, but them people are not always content, you will find them moaning too.we live in a world that's constantly changing, and having more and more mentality. We can't compete with everyone, so I say what I believe in, when you feel down don't look at people above you, look at the people below you, when you realise you have more than them you will feel grateful for your own blessings 🙏❤️
Honestly gratitude is the key ❤️
I also find everytime I see people with more than me, instead of envy I feel happy for them as I now know everyone is blessed in their own way 🙏 and sometimes you don't know the struggles they went through to get it. So OP stay blessed and be happy for others and happiness will come to you too 🥰

op, I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it, it’s normal and if anything you are aware / conscious of doing it so you are already halfway there to improving!

for context, I am early 30s, have come from a poor background, both husband and I are high earners. Bought first property at 24 and about to buy our second long term property. We have a nice car, can pay all our bills and still have plenty left over. So there really is no reason for me to feel this way but I do when I see friends or acquaintances going on that one extra holiday, or has a walk in wardrobe etc.

When I feel this way I remind myself of

1. the worst thing to have happened to me (losing my premie baby)
2. how less fortunate people are in most other countries. For example, that old couple I met in the rice paddy fields in Bali working for less than £5 a day, had no children and no way of retiring or the mother living in a rural village in Pakistan who is physically abused by not only her husband, but in-laws too but has no one to turn to with her children.

this honestly grounds me and I feel terribly ashamed for getting caught up in this rat race.

this is what works for me, alongside all the amazing advice on here, some of which I will be trying, find something which grounds you, reminds you of your core values and takes you back to your core.

Does anyone have any tips for how to find or be inspired to lead the life you really want?

The subtle art of not giving a f*ck by Mark Manson. Bits about values.

Hmm, I can definitely empathize with a lot of what is said on here.

I attended a work conference last week and there were a few women there who are VP's etc. Now a few years ago I'd have felt jealous, but now I just think, fucking hell, managing all those staff most be a nightmare! People calling in sick, managing people's workload etc etc. Yawn. Or that I would never be able to be as driven as them - I want to be able to finish at four every day to see the kids!

Now, with regards to weight loss: this is a huge deal. It really is. It really affects your self esteem.
I try hard to keep a decent weight and it means I feel good about myself.

Also, there is always more going on than people let on - poor marriages, sickness, in debt etc etc.

I hear you.

I'm a 40 something fuck up. No qualifications, no high flying job, little savings. I'm overweight, perimenopausal and losing friends left, right and centre. I'm crap at relationships.

I have literally no achievements to my name for my time on earth.

My housing situation is great atm but rapidly coming to an end and then who knows. It scares the bejesus out of me.

I try not to be envious but as I get older I'm becoming more and more bitter. I don't like who Im turning into. But don't feel I'm in control.

My DC are the ONLY thing I got right & some may argue the most important. I'm trying to practice gratitude.