To say I was genuinely happier before I have children

[Licinada]

All I ever wanted in life was to be a Mum. I was so excited when I got pregnant.
I have one child and expecting another in September.
My Husband wanted children too. After the first I was hesitant to have another but thought it best they had a sibling for company. I will have no more after this one.

Now I am not a stressed out depressed Mum. My life is fine as it is. My Husband is amazing.

BUT I have to admit. I was happier before I had children. I am sure for most while they’d say parenting can be hard the benefits outweigh the negatives or hard times.
But for me if I’d actually known what was involved in parenting I’d have remained childfree and chosen a life partner who also didn’t want children. I quite admire people who know they don’t want children so don’t have them. I wonder how some people who have never had children know it’s not for them and others only find that out after the event.
I adore my Son and it’s odd as I’d never not want him now he’s here. I think I’m a good Mum and he is loved and well looked after. But had I known what parenting was all about it’s not a path I would have chosen.

For me I think it’s the peace of mind of only having to think of, be responsible for and look after yourself. It’s such an amazing freeing experience for me. To only have to worry about yourself. Obviously you have to consider adult loved ones but that’s different.
I greatly enjoyed (although I didn’t appreciate it at the time) how freeing and settling only having to think of myself was.
Bringing up another human being and being responsible for their physical and mental health is a HUGE responsibility.

One I was genuinely happier before I had.

So is this a terrible attitude for a Mother to have?

This is what I can't see at the moment; do the hard moments and days mean I'll wake up at 60 going 'well the two decades of boredom mixed with moments of joy and terror were totally worth it'.

Nope. Didn't tell any of our parents when we were struggling to conceive. Didn't tell my parents when I was under threat of redundancy and certainly did not tell them about a particular tough patch in our marriage that was depression-related.

My parents don't worry about me either. I'm 38 with a house, husband, son, no debt etc. I'd think they were batty if they told me they were worrying constantly about things like car crashes and cancer.

@SaveMeFromForearms I didn't find it two decades of boredom honestly. Maybe about 5 to 6 years of boredom with each child? When they started to read and talk and go to school, I found it quite interesting.

Yeah you're right @GeriKellmansUpdo it's not all boring. But the drudgery part never ends. If I didn't have kids I would never cook tea; I would do one or two loads of washing a week; I'd never have to sit through a bloody pantomime or ballet or nativity ever again where my kids were barely visible from my seat.

That's the kind of boredom I'm talking about.

I hear you 100%. I wouldn’t change it but I hear you!

Fair enough. I hear you on the drudgery. I hate cooking. Now DC cook their own meals and it is GREAT. Often not v healthy ones, but I don't care.

I think the idea that you are totally free of responsibilities towards others purely by being childfree is depressing and not really the whole point of being human

We are social creatures who have evolved and survived by living in groups where we depend on and support others. We care for the elderly, we pass on skills to the young, we support friends and neighbours.

I would not consider myself free of social and community responsibilities and obligations whether i had children or not.

@AndIKnewYouMeantIt
Yes, I would agree that at 38 you can, and should in my opinion, not share certain things with parents as far as possible. My mum at 80 does not know about a minor op I’m having next week for example.

The OPs point still stands, about younger children especially. You can’t possibly hide some things from parents if you’re 13 for example. So the mental load and responsibility is unavoidable. Neither can you hide something like terminal cancer from a parent even in you’re 40s. Someone in my family cannot possibly hide the fact they’re having chemo from their mum.

That’s the OPs point I think, it must be lovely to not worry, but sadly these things are often unavoidable and the risks are always there if you’re a parent.

I have never told my parents any of my worries as an adult. Not one. I don’t see this as a positive, more of a reflection of their shit parenting. My young adult kids confide in me, and whilst it can be stressful, I would not change that.

39 and childfree, but ttc. Life now is like my 20s, but better. I have more money, I'm doing the work I longed for in my 20s, my relationships are easier because I'm calmer and wiser (sometimes), and I no longer feel the pressure to "prove myself". A lot of my friends have young children, and it looks HARD. And they're all having to compromise either the careers they worked so hard for, or the amount of time they actually get to spend with their kids, or both. And several have said they wish they'd at lest waited a bit. And yet I desperately want kids. Occasionally I ask myself why on earth I want to throw away our easy lifestyle, but the thought of never having kids literally reduces me to tears.

I am pleasantly surprised to see the vote. I think that this is something that is not discussed enough. As women, being a mother as the highest thing you can aspire to is so ubiquitous as a message, a lot of people get into it without really thinking about whether it is the best choice for them. For some people, it totally will be and they may feel it is the most fulfilling thing they have done. But there are other stories to be told and women (and men) should have access to all of them.

I'm with you here op. I wouldn't be without my two now and I love them to bits but I think if I could go back knowing what I know now I would have chosen to remain childless.

'This is what I can't see at the moment; do the hard moments and days mean I'll wake up at 60 going 'well the two decades of boredom mixed with moments of joy and terror were totallyworth it'.

Sometimes I don't thing this is necessarily true. I had mine late and will be old, poor and knackered by the time I'm done. I'll certainly never forget this terrible feeling of being trapped, yet I must hide that for the sake of others - my children and a mother-policing society.

To me it feels like it's a cultural 'silent martyr' role. And so many of us feel like this. It's good we can talk about it now though, at least on here.

I wasn't assuming your child was an infant. 10 is still very young and for my eldest, maybe 8 through 12 were some pretty emotionally challenging years all round. Mainly I posted to say that I don't think it's 'terrible' that you feel the way you do, sorry if I came across wrong. Of course you'll never stop being a prarent now, no matter what - you can never go back, and that personally was what I found hardest. I didn't mean changing nappies or lack of sleep or whatever. My life changed and I changed.

In terms of the happiness of pre-child life though - well, I'm naturally a melancholic sort of person and I can't remember ever feeling truly carefree in the way you describe it, maybe not since I was very small myself! So I don't relate to that aspect of your post.

Totally agree. But don't say she didn't choose it. She did.

I completely agree.

There's real pain in wanting children and not being able to have them. But I do think the happiest people are children by choice or well off Dads that have a SAHM wife (and staff.)

There is just so much drudgery in being a parent. As soon as kids start being fun they ditch you to go vape in a field with kids you don't even know the last name of 🙄

You are probably saying what many people are thinking.

But drudgery will exist regardless of children or not @SaveMeFromForearms . Cleaning and cooking, laundry, dull work meetings, smear tests, waiting for trains. It’s just a normal sort of life, I would say.

Childless by choice obviously.

Just so you hear another perspective, I’m a writer, I did it around my full time job and did bits and bobs. I had my son and I have never had less time in my life - but I’ve been getting more successful with my writing (non-fiction) and I’m working on my first book. Yes it’s crazy hard but I love it and it’s my creative outlet as a mother. It’s absolutely possible, just recognise your expectations when you first have a child, don’t demand too much of yourself. I worked through the newborn days and wish I hadn’t.

You don’t have to lose yourself when you become a parent at all, you can do both, just maybe not in the same way you did before. Xxx

I’m 28 had my child at 26 she is 18 months old and I had her with my partner who already had 3 others but only in contact with mine and his eldest.

i feel this. I adore my child and I remember being stood in my old job when I was pregnant thinking oh wow, this life will be over soon and a new one will be here. The only thing I don’t miss about my old life is my old job. 37.5 hours a week in a hca role. No thank you never again.

i however wish I just had more time for me. I wish I had more 1-1 time with my partner but it’s my family for support or nothing as his is non existent. I am fortunate in the fact I now work in a school and she is going childminders 4 days a week all
year round and will be until she goes to school. Without that and the holidays I think
my mental health/thought process would be where yours is. I know I may atill
feel
it when she’s older like yours are but I can’t wait till she’s talking to me wanting to
do things with me and just become
my best friend. I too also want another so she has a sibling from me but I’m not planning on it for 3/4 more years if at all.

what im trying to say is your feelings are validated and don’t listen to those who are bringing up infertility problems etc it’s not your life or your situation.

youe worrying will never end itll
jusf change! But your life will
come back!

You’re looking at things in the short term.
The first 35 years are bound to be difficult. Your DC’s will need help with the DGC’s and then of course the inevitable breakup of their marriage.

Things can sometimes improve later.
😉😁😁

😆😯

I think in the very early days I probably was a bit depressed (was v stressed and worried about everything). But as my son got a bit older I have to say that I am way happier now than I was before. I really wanted to be a Mum, so I do think that this makes me content, that I’ve been able to have this experience when there were times I thought I couldn’t.

Do you think some of the feeling is just because you were happier when you were younger ? Not just because of children ? Personally my happiest times were when the children were young . Now they have their own families I miss them a lot .