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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it isn't normal to be this critical?

361 replies

FrustratedCitizen44846 · 03/06/2023 11:44

This morning me and DH were having a lazy morning in bed (no kids yet) when we realised we don't have any milk. I said "I'll nip to the shop and get some now then". He asked if I wanted him to come with me and I said no, don't worry, I can finish my audiobook on the way (it's a 2 minute walk). Before I left he asked me to grab him some vanilla yoghurt and some blueberries, too. Of course! No problemo.

Anyway as I'm milling round the shop I'll admit I was in my own world a bit, so I forgot to buy the blueberries. I also bought the wrong yoghurt; he asked for vanilla this time but I bought strawberry. The shop was packed and so in my haste I grabbed strawberry, which is his usual choice.

When I got home and emptied the bag of he looked a bit confused (and I will note didn't say thank you once). At that point I said shit, sorry, I forgot the blueberries, but there's a fresh punnet of strawberries in the fridge and bananas on the side of you want some fruit. And said my bad about the yoghurt.

I honestly thought nothing of it, didn't think it was a big deal (he could walk the 2 mins to the shop if he really wanted) but as I was eating my breakfast I could tell he was being a bit sulky. I asked him what's wrong and he said if I wasn't going to get him what he wanted he would've just gone to the shop with me, and it's not fair that I pretty much told him he couldn't come with me. I said that's not fair, all I said was "don't worry about coming with me, I have something I want to listen to anyway". It's not like it was a strict directive or anything, of course he could come with me if he really wanted to. And in any case the shop is literally two minutes from where we live. It's not a big deal.

Anyway he then goes off on this sulk about how I'm not very thoughtful and how it's impossible to say no to me (i.e. he couldn't push the point about coming with me to the shop).

I think he's being overly critical over what is an incredibly minor mistake and turning into some big character flaw. It's not like this sort of thing happens often, if at all.

Tbh there have been a few cases like this where I feel he's a bit too.... unforgiving? Critical?

It kinda puts me on eggshells at times, to the point I've considered breaking up with him. Taking today as an example, we're supposrd to be going out to meet some friends but now I feel really on edge and a bit sad. Feels like the day is ruined for no good reason.

But it seems like such a minor thing and I'm not sure if it's just me being unreasonable/overdramatic and that it's normal for him to be a bit miffed over things like this from time to time (we're all human after all).

AIBU?

OP posts:
SchoolShenanigans · 03/06/2023 15:07

I'd feel the same way OP. Perhaps we're just more laid back than most, but if I asked for vanilla yoghurt and got strawberry (which I like) then I'd probably say something like "ohhhh I was looking forward to vanilla, but thanks, that's a good idea, I'll add bananas to it". It wouldn't occur to me to strop when someone's done me a favour.

He offered to go with you and you went alone (which is fair enough!). So he hasn't walked there yet today, what's stopping him from using his legs and walking there now to get the vanilla yoghurt and blueberries?

So YANBU to feel annoyed at his ungrafulness and sulking.

But also - this is one argument. Don't be fooled into thinking most relationships don't have these kind of immature spats. They do. Because most people aren't reasonable all of the time. I think, if it was me, I'd be saying something like "look, I said I'm sorry for not getting the right bits, but I'm not happy with the way you've responded. It's childish. Let's just move on and have a good day".

squidgybits · 03/06/2023 15:08

If the shop was 2 minutes away as you say, I would have went back to get the forgotten items
How would you feel if you had asked him to get you two specific items and he forgot?

Toomanycaketins · 03/06/2023 15:09

JandalsAlways · 03/06/2023 12:26

Well.he was happy to go and you insisted, and you screwed it up (it was only 2 items!!). I'd be miffed if I was him, but not enough of a big deal for either of you to dwell over

This

if you know he’s picky, you should let him come along and pick his own stuff in future. Lesson learned, try to move on and have a nice day.

StrawberryWasp · 03/06/2023 15:11

You are thinking of ending your marriage because your husband gets annoyed when you forget to get things he asked for?

Blimey.

CharlottenBurger · 03/06/2023 15:13

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 15:05

@CharlottenBurger

Has so much love gone out of the op she couldn't be arsed to get what he asked for?

If I was married to a bloke like that, he's get a beaker of piss for his breakfast.

ChristmasFluff · 03/06/2023 15:15

When you are with an abuser and walking on eggshells there's no way you'd have got 'the order' wrong in the first place, so I am sceptical about how you are walking on eggshells.

You don't need permission to divorce if you've seen red flags, have no children and feel like you are walking on eggshells.

As I say though, walking on eggshells means you don't ever, for one second (however tired, even if you've been up all night having your head banged off the wall), forget the needs, desires and wants of the other person. Too dangerous.

You're properly eggshell walking when you follow all the 'rules' then find the rules have changed anyway.

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 15:16

@CharlottenBurger

If I was married to someone ike the op I'd feel similar

stayathomer · 03/06/2023 15:18

ill be honest I’d be irritated too BUT it wouldn’t last long and I’d probably apologise after after all you didn’t bring back nothing!!!

Kennykenkencat · 03/06/2023 15:19

FrustratedCitizen44846 I know this sounds silly but please stop saying the words “Don’t worry”

The answer was yes please or no thank you

Don’t worry is used to shut someone down.

I have got into blazing arguments when people have said “Don’t worry” to me

It is a patronising and controlling phrase.

You know when someone uses “Don’t worry” They are dismissing everything you have said and are going to do their own thing anyway.

Kennykenkencat · 03/06/2023 15:25

Peachy2005 · 03/06/2023 14:39

She was mainly going for milk. She got the milk and some type of yoghurt that he has been known to eat. Big whoop: she forgot 1 thing, which is easily done without a list. If he’s that bothered, he can go to shop himself, not sulk like a toddler!

That is why he wanted to go in the first place. Probably knew that he wouldn’t get what he wanted. It was FrustratedCitizen44846 who stopped him going.
If not sure whether he wanted the vanilla corner or the strawberry yogurt she could have called him to ask.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/06/2023 15:28

@AutumnCrow

Are you my long lost twin? Because those are exactly the sort of questions I would ask. Do you like interrogating controversies or ‘mysteries’ in the news with logic and ( which to many people is boring) minute detail ? Do you have a bit of a glow of self congratulation when your carefully thought out surmises prove correct?

not the place for this, I know.

FeigningConcern · 03/06/2023 15:30

I think YABVVVU. I would be really pissed off if I were your DH. By forgetting the blueberries and buying the wrong yoghurt you showed a complete lack of thought and care. He asked for two things and couldn't be bothered to get one right! That's why he's pissed off. It's not the blueberries or the yoghurt. It's the lack of thought or care on your part.

theGooHasGone · 03/06/2023 15:33

Even with the drip feed, this is still a clear case of OP forgetting stuff she was asked to buy and then being confused that the person who asked for the things was annoyed with her for it. Hardly worth a big falling out over, but do realise that if you offer to do something for someone, they ask you for something and then you forget, that does imply that you didn't really care much about doing it in the first place. That's an irritating trait.

Openup · 03/06/2023 15:38

I’d be irritated, particularly as he would have made the trip if you hadn’t told him not to. I certainly wouldn’t have said thanks…you got the wrong things!

mynameisnotthis2 · 03/06/2023 15:39

I don't understand how you forgot the blueberries and remembered the yoghurt when the yoghurt and blueberries were supposed to go together. Maybe he's so annoyed because he thinks you did it on purpose?

AutumnCrow · 03/06/2023 15:43

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/06/2023 15:28

@AutumnCrow

Are you my long lost twin? Because those are exactly the sort of questions I would ask. Do you like interrogating controversies or ‘mysteries’ in the news with logic and ( which to many people is boring) minute detail ? Do you have a bit of a glow of self congratulation when your carefully thought out surmises prove correct?

not the place for this, I know.

Yup, that's me Grin Autumn 'Smuggery' Crow at your service.

ShimmeringShirts · 03/06/2023 15:44

You’ve posted that he’s said you’re thoughtless, I would think this is something to do with his continuing to be upset about it. Once instance of being thoughtless is forgivable but if your partner is continuously being thoughtless then yes, I’d be really fucked off at them.

orangegato · 03/06/2023 15:55

He sounds a fucking brat. It’s a no from me.

Opaque11 · 03/06/2023 15:58

ShimmeringShirts · 03/06/2023 15:44

You’ve posted that he’s said you’re thoughtless, I would think this is something to do with his continuing to be upset about it. Once instance of being thoughtless is forgivable but if your partner is continuously being thoughtless then yes, I’d be really fucked off at them.

Yes sounds like half the truth is being told and I'm sure his version would probably make much more sense.

GatesAcorn · 03/06/2023 16:02

Did you think about ringing him re the yoghurt? This is what Dh and I would do.

2bazookas · 03/06/2023 16:04

"(no kids yet)"

Well, that's a relief. Still time to escape from the manboy.

LifeIsPainHighness · 03/06/2023 16:06

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 11:52

I'd be pissed if if I asked you to get me2 things and you didn't get either of them.

You're making out it's entirely understandable and reasonable you forgot/didn't bother to get 2 things out of 2 things you were asked to get

It's not.

This.

I think it kind of shows a lack of giving a shit about the other person.

Blancmangemouse · 03/06/2023 16:10

I think you are BOTH overthinking it.

LisaVanderpump1 · 03/06/2023 16:15

@FrustratedCitizen44846 Reading this, I could've been reading a post I'd written. I am also a much more of a go-with-the-flow person, while my BF is pretty uptight and unforgiving.

I think some of the responses here are pretty harsh, and I totally relate to the feeling you're having, and it can be pretty difficult and tiring to navigate on a regular basis.

To the other people saying the OP is out of line: do you think her DH would've acted like this if he was on a lad's holiday and someone got him the wrong drink? He'd probs just realise it's not really that big of a deal and cracked on so he didn't come across to his mates as a whiney baby.

OP, are you quick to forgive if your DH makes a mistake? I think I find the disproportionate and imbalanced reactions most frustrating about these situations in my relationship.

surreygirl1987 · 03/06/2023 16:31

I'd be annoyed too. He was going to go, but you implied that you'd rather listen to your book instead...then you got both items he asked for wrong...