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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if mothers ever consider giving up work?

115 replies

mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 20:32

Today was my only day in this week due to half term. Put DD (5) in holiday club. I was on pick up and drop off. It was meant to be an easy day.

Work was fine. Set off home for DD in plenty of time. Was less than 10 miles from home when traffic came to complete standstill. I was stuck in that traffic for 1.5 hours. My parents and MIL are both away. Partner was in pub with a friend. He has his own business and WFH and things are quiet on a Friday.
I had to ask him to go to get DD. He was totally unimpressed. I felt so guilty to ruin his afternoon and not be able to pick DD up.

This is not sustainable is it? I have a 60 mile round commute. My job is not possible to do from home (biology lab). It's pretty niche and not possible to get anything the same but closer to home. I've hung onto this job for 10 years and I love it but it's just too far away. Can't be doing with the driving any more. I miss so much, can't pick DD up from school, can't be around for school pick up or even pick up from after school/holiday club.

I've never WFH...what could I do? Where would I start? Truly had enough of long commutes, as a parent it sucks. Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
IsThatReallyNecessary · 02/06/2023 20:34

that seems like a situation where you should look to move house!

leelaay · 02/06/2023 20:34

It's your relationship that's not sustainable, not you working, and if that glimpse says as much about your relationship as I suspect it does, it's very important you remain working.

ToK1 · 02/06/2023 20:35

I cant relate to feeling guilty about asking the kids parent to parent them no.

Or that if I was struggling with work and juggling childcare, my first thought would be to quit

Tulipblank · 02/06/2023 20:37

Eh? Your daughters father was not working and picked her up. Perfect solution. No idea why you need to give up work to facilitate your child's father's afternoon in the pub.

Jaspee · 02/06/2023 20:37

I'd look to move nearer your job while your DD is young. You have a career there. DC aren't small forever.

Original poster
mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 20:38

I work in a city where it's hugely more expensive to buy so selling up and buying there is unfortunately not an option.

OP posts:
Ostryga · 02/06/2023 20:39

Sorry, your daughter’s dad had to pick her up and he’s unimpressed why?? He’s her dad, that’s part and parcel of having children.

I had a weekend away booked and paid for to a really fucking lovely Michelin star hotel/restaurant that I’ve had to cancel because Dd is really poorly. I’m not unimpressed in the slightest.

You don’t need to change jobs, you need wonder why he’s so crap at being a dad.

TeaKitten · 02/06/2023 20:39

Is your partner her dad?

whatkatydid2013 · 02/06/2023 20:40

In the same circumstance I wouldn’t feel guilty asking OH to pick up. I’d be looking to live closer to work I think. Is that an option for you?

Original poster
mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 20:40

My partner was unimpressed not because of picking up DD per se, but because he thought I was going to do it and had made other plans.
To be fair I called him 15 mins before pick up but the traffic had only started 5 minutes before that so I had no choice!
The hard bit is you can never predict traffic.

OP posts:
Ostryga · 02/06/2023 20:41

mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 20:40

My partner was unimpressed not because of picking up DD per se, but because he thought I was going to do it and had made other plans.
To be fair I called him 15 mins before pick up but the traffic had only started 5 minutes before that so I had no choice!
The hard bit is you can never predict traffic.

Again this is part of having children. Plans change and you roll with it. Why are you feeling guilty?

Sometherusername · 02/06/2023 20:41

You have a partner problem, not a job problem.

PrehistoricGarbageTruck · 02/06/2023 20:42

I gave up work for several years after my youngest child, as we had moved and the logistics were a nightmare before school. Don't regret it at all - so much headspace is freed up not having to juggle childcare. Obviously not everyone would want to or be able to though.

It wasn't the career-ending, life-ending, brain- deadening experience MN warned it would be!

Original poster
mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 20:42

Yes he's her dad.
I can't live closer to work. I would if I was by myself, but DD has school here and the city is very expensive for a house. Also I'm unsure whether it is worth it? I love my job but it's not that well paid (just 30k per year if was full time).

OP posts:
Pteryl · 02/06/2023 20:43

Has your partner considered giving up work to facilitate his children?

TeaKitten · 02/06/2023 20:44

mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 20:42

Yes he's her dad.
I can't live closer to work. I would if I was by myself, but DD has school here and the city is very expensive for a house. Also I'm unsure whether it is worth it? I love my job but it's not that well paid (just 30k per year if was full time).

You don’t need to quit or move OP, he’s her dad and works from home, this is exactly what he’s here for. He’s allowed to be disappointed for a minute, but he’s a dad… this is his role. If you don’t like your job anymore and WANT to be closer to home I’m sure something will come up, but you don’t need to quit for childcare reasons OP.

Original poster
mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 20:44

No but he WFH and has own business. Earns a lot more than me.
I always wanted to be financially independent. I grew up with my mum not working and her and my dad arguing about money and I swore it wasn't for me.
But mums pick up the slack with childcare don't they? It's just the way no matter how hard we try.
It feels such a struggle to be working so far away these days.

OP posts:
UhhhhhhhOK · 02/06/2023 20:45

If your job gives you satisfaction, you have a right to stick to it. oH needs to be flexible and do his bloody bit. It’s part and parcel of parenting responsibilities
re traffic, I guess you just need to give more warning when traffic builds up. That’s it.

Sissynova · 02/06/2023 20:45

The problem isn’t your job though, the problem is your husband is an arsehole who thinks he’s more important than you.

TeaKitten · 02/06/2023 20:46

mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 20:44

No but he WFH and has own business. Earns a lot more than me.
I always wanted to be financially independent. I grew up with my mum not working and her and my dad arguing about money and I swore it wasn't for me.
But mums pick up the slack with childcare don't they? It's just the way no matter how hard we try.
It feels such a struggle to be working so far away these days.

Nope, no they don’t when the dad works nearby. Him earning more money doesn’t reduce leg function. You have a DP problem not a job problem.

AnOKYearForTheRoses · 02/06/2023 20:46

Please don’t quit.

It sounds like you’re unmarried and have a boyfriend who is unreliable. It’ll only be worse if you’re financially dependent on him.

ToK1 · 02/06/2023 20:47

@mrlistersgelfbride

'But mums pick up the slack with childcare don't they? '

No.

Sissynova · 02/06/2023 20:48

But mums pick up the slack with childcare don't they? It's just the way no matter how hard we try.
It feels such a struggle to be working so far away these days.

Honestly no, it really doesn’t have to be like that.
DH gets DD up every day, gets her ready, does breakfast and brings her to nursery. Yesterday he went in late because he took her to the dentist in the morning.
He also picked her up this evening as he finished early so I went shopping straight from work.

Again, your job and where you live is not the problem. The problem is your husband who is selfish and sexist on top and thinks parenting his own children is woman’s work.

MintJulia · 02/06/2023 20:49

No OP, PARENTS shared pickups, drop offs and the care of their children in general.

Your dp isn't brain dead. he knows that traffic problems can happen in the time it takes for a car to skid into the central reservation. If you call, needing him to do pick-up then that is what he does - without moaning. It's called being a parent. 🙄

RandomMess · 02/06/2023 20:50

The days you work he is on child duties end of. You are only part time and are doing it all the other days!!