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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if mothers ever consider giving up work?

115 replies

mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 20:32

Today was my only day in this week due to half term. Put DD (5) in holiday club. I was on pick up and drop off. It was meant to be an easy day.

Work was fine. Set off home for DD in plenty of time. Was less than 10 miles from home when traffic came to complete standstill. I was stuck in that traffic for 1.5 hours. My parents and MIL are both away. Partner was in pub with a friend. He has his own business and WFH and things are quiet on a Friday.
I had to ask him to go to get DD. He was totally unimpressed. I felt so guilty to ruin his afternoon and not be able to pick DD up.

This is not sustainable is it? I have a 60 mile round commute. My job is not possible to do from home (biology lab). It's pretty niche and not possible to get anything the same but closer to home. I've hung onto this job for 10 years and I love it but it's just too far away. Can't be doing with the driving any more. I miss so much, can't pick DD up from school, can't be around for school pick up or even pick up from after school/holiday club.

I've never WFH...what could I do? Where would I start? Truly had enough of long commutes, as a parent it sucks. Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
Original poster
mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 21:22

@Fudgewomble Tbh the fact that I'd have to give up work is one of reasons I stayed at 1 child.
Yes I think every Friday is fair. I do all the school drop offs without fail.

OP posts:
Whenisitsummer · 02/06/2023 21:23

If your dp wfh and has his own business, surely he can just do all the drop offs and pick ups because he can dictate his working hours. Why are you doing any of it on your working days?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/06/2023 21:23

mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 21:05

I do enjoy my job. I can't WFH or do reduced hours. I've only just gone up to 4 days after doing 3 for a couple of years.
Yes I think my partner is a problem. But he's happy to pick DD up with notice, he just hates it when I ring him stressed due to traffic last minute. I'm aware this must be very annoying.
I'd love a WFH job, but I wouldn't know where to start.

He absolutely shouldn’t need notice to pick her up. It should be the norm if anything as he’s the one wfh - with him giving you notice if there’s the odd occasion he’d like to do something in the evening

Folklore9074 · 02/06/2023 21:25

"But mums pick up the slack with childcare don't they? It's just the way no matter how hard we try."

Sorry no it's not 'just the way' - he's not a bloody hero for looking after his own child while you work.

babyproblems · 02/06/2023 21:27

Sorry if I’ve read that correctly your partner didn’t want to leave the pub to collect their child???
It’s not your job that’s the problem, it’s your partner… I get the impression this is the tip of an iceberg that is much much bigger. Don’t undervalue yourself. X

Iammetoday · 02/06/2023 21:29

So you need to start now whilst dc is young to work as a team- equally. My dh earns way more, wfh and does pick up abd drop off 4 days a week, if they're sick he has them, he wfh so he's the emergency person. I'm a teacher , shit wages amd shit working hours but I do all holiday care-team work!

You need a chat with dh. If staying at only 1 dc I wouldn't give up my job if he's at hone to be the parent in emergencies/ assemblies etc but he needs to agree to be that person.

Usernamen · 02/06/2023 21:30

Ever heard the phrase “make your partner a real partner”?

He should be doing all the drop-offs and pick-ups as he’s the one with the flexibility. His Friday afternoons in the pub can fuck right off, frankly.

In your shoes I would not give up my job in a million years. It’s unthinkable! Be a positive role model for your daughter, and stop being such a doormat, for goodness’ sake.

BHRK · 02/06/2023 21:33

You. We’d to sort out your partner not quit your job

ChopperC110P · 02/06/2023 21:34

Y & Him ABU. Why are you doing any school drop offs or pickups or any of that when your DH is WFH? That should 100% fall to him as you have a 60 mile commute. What an utter dick your DH is to set you up with a mission impossible heap of stress every day. He owns his business too so he can dictate his hours to be flexible to the max. He is sabotaging you and your career.

Soproudoflionesses · 02/06/2023 21:40

Tried explaining the fear of being late to my dh - he has literally never had it cos he knows l will be there.
I earn about a tenth of what he earns so rightly or wrongly, his job has always been considered more important.
But we have had a chat today about house things being more fairly split so watch this space.
Don't quit your job op - unless you find something that will stimulate your brain as mich as the current one

Bouldering · 02/06/2023 21:43

The parent who is free does pickup. Simple. Parenting means you lose out on the pub sometimes. Please don’t give up your job so your partner can go to the pub. It really is that simple. What would you have done if situation reversed? Thought so

CremeEggThief · 02/06/2023 21:43

I think YABU to consider giving up your job, because you seem to love it. This is rare, IME, so I would be looking at ways to simply your life to prioritise your job, if I were you. Hope you can work it out.

millymollymoomoo · 02/06/2023 21:44

It’s 30 miles
not that bad

ive always worked about 20 miles away and sometimes shit happens with traffic. No reason to give up work. It was simply unfortunate partner had made plans

febrezeme · 02/06/2023 21:44

You don't have a commute or working mother problem - you have a partner problem

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 02/06/2023 21:50

But mums pick up the slack with childcare don't they?

No. Parents work together to manage childcare. Completely and utterly normal for the parent at home to collect child(ren) from school!

Your commute isn't crazy. Mine's 40-130 depending where I go - I cover 7 offices. TBH, I try not to do the 130 mile trip too often!

10Minutestobedtime · 02/06/2023 21:50

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to do all drop offs if you want to OP and it works for you. It's nice to be part of your DDs routine but if that's your preference then it's definitely worth agreeing with your partner that he does all pick ups when you're in the office and steps up in the holidays for childcare. If you're doing all drop offs because your partner won't then that's different.

It isn't just on mums to pick up the slack. It's for you and your partner to sit down and look at your circumstances and figure out what's reasonable and sustainable for your family as 50/50 isn't always practical for some families but you should be a team looking out for each other. Don't give up your career if you can help it. Sounds like today was stressful but on other days your mum and MIL might have also been available to help? ...not that they should have to 'help' if your partner is around but parents need a break too so if grandparents are happy to step in then why not. Do you also get time to yourself in the week? Take care of yourself.

StarDolphins · 02/06/2023 21:56

Why should your DH be unimpressed, isn’t she his DD too? Are you not meant to be a team?

I would be unimpressed about him being unimpressed, it’s not like you’ve said “sod it, you pick her up, I’m going getting drunk”. You got stuck in traffic & the only answer should’ve been “yes of course, no probs”

I just don’t know how people put up with this!

Original poster
mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 22:03

Thanks all.
I really want to keep my job. With things as they are it feels so stressful . Traffic just seems to get worse. But I know people have more kids and longer commutes and make it work.
When I mentioned MIL and my parents- I wouldn't have actually expected them to help unless an emergency...we have no regular childcare to pick up from school (again I know this isn't unusual) and I'd feel better if we did.

OP posts:
Gremlins101 · 02/06/2023 22:07

leelaay · 02/06/2023 21:00

@Gremlins101 and where will part time work leave her when she wakes up and realises her relationship is a sham?

I trust the OP to make her own decisions about her relationship. She asked about her job so I responded about that.

Rtmhwales · 02/06/2023 22:10

If he's happy to parent with notice then just say he's on-call until pick up time or an hour after you'd normally get home.

So if you normally get home at 4 and pick up at 4 then he can make plans from 5pm or 5:30pm onward.

BeverlyBrook · 02/06/2023 22:28

I honestly do not see why you feel guilty. You were stuck in traffic. He was around. So of course he picked her up.
are you just practicing being a martyr for the rest of your life?
Your DD has 2 parents. It's not up to the one with the ovaries to magically fix everything.

Hardbackwriter · 02/06/2023 22:33

My parents and MIL are both away. Partner was in pub with a friend.

Am I reading this correctly - that if they'd been around you would have thought it normal and preferable to ask them to pick up your child so that her dad could stay in the pub?

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/06/2023 23:13

If things are quiet on a Friday then he needs to be the one picking her up every Friday. Why are you rushing around when you are further away and he's at the pub?

Your job isn't the issue. it's your partner.

UsingChangeofName · 03/06/2023 00:23

YABU - ridiculous in fact with your arrangement.

Your child has 2 parents.
One wfh. Also has own business, so able to set own rules.
The default, logical way to live your lives would be that the parent who has no commute does all the drop offs and pick ups to childcare.

Second best option is that the parent with the long commute drops off, but the wfh parent does all the pick ups (unless there is an exceptional reason why they can't one day).

You feeling guilty because you were unavoidably caught in traffic one day is ridiculous.

Hedonism · 03/06/2023 07:50

But he's happy to pick DD up with notice, he just hates it when I ring him stressed due to traffic last minute. I'm aware this must be very annoying.

It's probably not much fun for you either. I'm going to echo everyone else - why are you rushing back from work to make pick up time when he is available? Just make it so that he picks up every Friday, then he has notice and you aren't stressing.