To ask if mothers ever consider giving up work?

[mrlistersgelfbride]

Today was my only day in this week due to half term. Put DD (5) in holiday club. I was on pick up and drop off. It was meant to be an easy day.

Work was fine. Set off home for DD in plenty of time. Was less than 10 miles from home when traffic came to complete standstill. I was stuck in that traffic for 1.5 hours. My parents and MIL are both away. Partner was in pub with a friend. He has his own business and WFH and things are quiet on a Friday.
I had to ask him to go to get DD. He was totally unimpressed. I felt so guilty to ruin his afternoon and not be able to pick DD up.

This is not sustainable is it? I have a 60 mile round commute. My job is not possible to do from home (biology lab). It's pretty niche and not possible to get anything the same but closer to home. I've hung onto this job for 10 years and I love it but it's just too far away. Can't be doing with the driving any more. I miss so much, can't pick DD up from school, can't be around for school pick up or even pick up from after school/holiday club.

I've never WFH...what could I do? Where would I start? Truly had enough of long commutes, as a parent it sucks. Can anyone relate?

This is totally a DP problem, however, if you did want a job that was closer to home (and school hours) could you look at doing lab tech work in a local secondary school?

I'm a lone working parent and manage to hold down a full time job. Your partner is the problem.

Given your partner's attitude now, I'd be VERY careful about becoming dependent on him. You are not married. If you split up, he doesn't sound like he'd be willing to contribute except for the bare minimum.

Never give up work! The child will grow up and you'll regret it

BTW, I was in your situation. Long commute, small child etc. When the child was 12, we got divorced. So glad money was not a concern!

If you are a Sahm you do pick up/drop offs if you both work you both do pick uo/drop offs.

It’s not a working mum problem, it’s having a pathetic partner problem. I thought this was bad if it wasn’t, but it’s actually his kid? What a joke. Do not quit your job when you’ve got such an unsupportive ‘co parent’, especially when you’re not married

You need to stop seeing parenting as your role. No way would dh leave me to pick up dd if he was in a pub, unless it was a rare unavoidable clash he'd be sorting it without me having to ask

You work 4 days with a 60 mile commute.

He wfh and has Fridays off as its quiet.

How did it come to be you stressing on the motorway?

Why didn't he say "don't be daft, ill get her today" then go to the pub later?

I am giving up work once this baby is born.
I only stayed in work with my first son as I literally lived with my parents who could provide all childcare with ease plus help with household tasks.
I would never have the physical or mental stamina to work and look after children without living in a home with extended family. So I will give up work once this baby is born.

Well good for you but that’s not the OPs situation is it. It’s not most people’s situation either! The majority of us manage to work and be a mum just fine

My commute is not far off yours 50 mile round trip. Traffic can be a pain but you have another parent at home. It’s not up to mums to pick up the slack at all. My husband can wfh so picks up minimum 3 days a week and takes them minimum 2 days a week.
He is an equal parent. If my husband was in the pub and I was in traffic he wouldn’t get cross about having to pick the kids up. Your husband is the problem here not your job

I’m trained as a scientist and worked in bio labs until my kids came along (1 and 3 years). I currently now walk from home 4 days a week for a bio company helping manage clinical trials. There’s loads of bio jobs you can do from home now. Worth looking into it xxx

oh and before anyone says I have full time childcare for those working days 😂 no way I could work with them here.

Well the answer here is for him to routinely do pick ups. You drop off. Then he always has notice and it’s not last minute and you don’t need to stress about what the traffic is doing.
whenever I drive more than 50miles for work I warn dh and he keeps his phone handy cause he can cycle to pick up in 20mins. I use the satnav to warn me about any blockages and call dh if there’s any risk at all.

Sorry, are you saying that you took the whole week off except for one day when you put your DD in holiday club even though her dad runs his own business and has so little to do on a Friday he can go to the pub? And you're doing pick up and drop off?

Most dads would have taken the day to spend with their child, not send them to holiday club in the first place.

Your problem is not your job or your commute, it's your shit partner who thinks you're the childcare.

This.

The solution is Dad does all pick ups on your working. You don’t need to worry or rush, he knows that the plan is and avoids surprises.

On your working days *

If your partner works from home, and even more if he has his own business so not beholden to a manager to organise his time he should be doing all pick ups and drop offs. I am in this situation in reverse, i WFH and DH commutes and I do all drop offs. Or is the issue more that you want to be able to do more pick ups and that you don’t spend enough time with DD?

I know. She asked if ANY mothers give up work to stay at home so I answered with my experience.
it doesn’t have to be the experience of all Mothers 😊

My DH does most of the leg work when it comes to.drop off and pick up these days as he WFHs most days whereas I have a similar commute (2 hours round trip) at least 3 days a week. I would never consider giving up my job because he had to do the pick up/drop offs.

Your DP needs to to school pick ups on the days you work, or you get a childminder or after school club for an hour to give you a stress buffer .

This is not for you alone to solve.

Maybe look for job that is more convenient but don't quit until you have one and make sure it is equivalent in status and satisfaction for you.

He has his own business and WFH and things are quiet on a Friday.

like others have said I don't know why you were 'on pick up and drop off' when he has such a quiet day on Fridays and it was the one day you were working this week. Where's the flexibility and working as a team in this relationship?

No, "mums" don't pick up all the slack, you personally do, because you've decided for reasons best known to yourself that it's all your responsibility. Why don't you do drop-offs and your "DP" do pick-ups? That's a fair split.

Was he annoyed at having to collect his child when there was no one else who could ( you were in traffic!) ? He is completely unreasonable then.

No, mums don’t just pick up the slack , unless they choose that arrangement.

I did this for years, ran myself ragged. Moved to a job further away ( but double the salary so a joint decision it was best for us!) and my DH has been totally on it with doing all the morning stuff for the kids and drop off.

We earn the same and are sharing the child related work. He also says it has improved his relationship with our youngest.

Of course your husband, the child’s father, can do far more pick ups than you as he wfh.

No - my DH and I shared it. I’m a lecturer so he always covered if I had teaching commitments. End of. I never once cancelled a class due to childcare problems. I covered at other times but he had to work round my job. Not once did he suggest I give up my job.