Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if mothers ever consider giving up work?

115 replies

mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 20:32

Today was my only day in this week due to half term. Put DD (5) in holiday club. I was on pick up and drop off. It was meant to be an easy day.

Work was fine. Set off home for DD in plenty of time. Was less than 10 miles from home when traffic came to complete standstill. I was stuck in that traffic for 1.5 hours. My parents and MIL are both away. Partner was in pub with a friend. He has his own business and WFH and things are quiet on a Friday.
I had to ask him to go to get DD. He was totally unimpressed. I felt so guilty to ruin his afternoon and not be able to pick DD up.

This is not sustainable is it? I have a 60 mile round commute. My job is not possible to do from home (biology lab). It's pretty niche and not possible to get anything the same but closer to home. I've hung onto this job for 10 years and I love it but it's just too far away. Can't be doing with the driving any more. I miss so much, can't pick DD up from school, can't be around for school pick up or even pick up from after school/holiday club.

I've never WFH...what could I do? Where would I start? Truly had enough of long commutes, as a parent it sucks. Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
leelaay · 02/06/2023 20:50

My DH would share my relief that one of us was in the area to pick up our child if the other one is held up, being "unimpressed" is something a petulant child would feel.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 02/06/2023 20:50

I used to get 'the fear' every day of traffic jams. I finished work 30 minutes before nursery closed, so had to leave exactly on time, have no issues like broken barrier or ticket machine at the car park, hit no traffic and then I'd get to nursery 5 minutes before closing time.

Things to consider

  • slightly reduced hours to give yourself an extra 30 mins or hour at the end of the day
  • moving to a job nearer home or vice versa
  • looking for a childcare provider with later pick up
leelaay · 02/06/2023 20:52

It feels such a struggle to be working so far away these days

Yes because your partner is a dick and you're a mug for thinking how you do.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 02/06/2023 20:52

mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 20:44

No but he WFH and has own business. Earns a lot more than me.
I always wanted to be financially independent. I grew up with my mum not working and her and my dad arguing about money and I swore it wasn't for me.
But mums pick up the slack with childcare don't they? It's just the way no matter how hard we try.
It feels such a struggle to be working so far away these days.

Oh and no, it's 50/50 with parents, not the mums job to do it all.

pointythings · 02/06/2023 20:52

The problem isn't your job, it's your partner. It really is. When my DDs were little, I had a very similar commute. Their dad worked much closer to home so yes, if there was a traffic emergency it was on him to pick them up from nursery/school. He never complained because he rightly said that was part of being a parent. Things went very wrong between us later on for many reasons, but when the kids were young, he was a good parent and husband. Yours is neither.

When you have children, plans change. Suck it up, buttercup. And it's only because so many men refuse to step up that it always falls on the woman, and that isn't bloody good enough.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 02/06/2023 20:53

If things are quiet for him on a Friday then why are you running around like a blue arsed fly, stressed about picking your daughter up on time.

But mums pick up the slack with childcare don't they?

Absolutely fucking not. DH does half the childcare, because he is their father.

Pteryl · 02/06/2023 20:54

mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 20:44

No but he WFH and has own business. Earns a lot more than me.
I always wanted to be financially independent. I grew up with my mum not working and her and my dad arguing about money and I swore it wasn't for me.
But mums pick up the slack with childcare don't they? It's just the way no matter how hard we try.
It feels such a struggle to be working so far away these days.

No. Mums don’t. I don’t. Some Mums do, and it’s mostly because women don’t earn the same as men and it’s become acceptable that the higher earner doesn’t do as much childcare. It’s not how it has to be. It’s possible to have a partner that picks up the slack, does 50/50. I have a husband like this.

If we do things the way we always have, how can we expect anything to change?

Sissynova · 02/06/2023 20:57

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime *Things to consider

  • slightly reduced hours to give yourself an extra 30 mins or hour at the end of the day
  • moving to a job nearer home or vice versa
  • looking for a childcare provider with later pick up*

So just multiple concessions on the OPs side rather than simply her husband being an equal parent?

NotAnAngelOrAHero · 02/06/2023 20:57

Your child's father is your problem here. Not your job. Doesn't sound like you're willing to accept that as the answer though.

Merryoldgoat · 02/06/2023 20:58

My thoughts:

  1. The slack should be picked up by both parents. I work PT and DH FT. He covers more emergencies than I do.
  2. A 60 mile commute is not sustainable with primary aged children. You miss too much, spend all your time anxious about traffic etc.
  3. Your husband needs to do more. Check how fairly things are distributed.
Gremlins101 · 02/06/2023 20:58

In your position, I would be looking to change job. Can you do part-time or WFH? I am aware I'm very lucky. I work 10 minutes from home and work is very flexible and only part-time hours. I don't think I could do it otherwise with my 2 small kids.

leelaay · 02/06/2023 21:00

@Gremlins101 and where will part time work leave her when she wakes up and realises her relationship is a sham?

PointlessTrophy · 02/06/2023 21:03

You need a shorter commute. And a more balanced relationship dynamic. You should not have to do the school run if he is so close to school.

Don’t give up work. Keep your job, your pension, identity and options. And don’t contribute to the gender pay gap.

Original poster
mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 21:05

I do enjoy my job. I can't WFH or do reduced hours. I've only just gone up to 4 days after doing 3 for a couple of years.
Yes I think my partner is a problem. But he's happy to pick DD up with notice, he just hates it when I ring him stressed due to traffic last minute. I'm aware this must be very annoying.
I'd love a WFH job, but I wouldn't know where to start.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/06/2023 21:07

Why don't you do drop off and he does pick up each day you work?

Miscellaneousme · 02/06/2023 21:11

As he wfh, just get him to do the nursery runs?

Why are you doing it all when you have a long commute?

leelaay · 02/06/2023 21:11

Ahhhh he's happy to parent "with notice", that's perfectly reasonable Hmm

I bet you wouldn't have been anywhere near as stressed about the traffic if you knew your partner wouldn't have been a dick at the end of the phone, but you knew exactly how he'd react.

Ostryga · 02/06/2023 21:13

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 02/06/2023 20:50

I used to get 'the fear' every day of traffic jams. I finished work 30 minutes before nursery closed, so had to leave exactly on time, have no issues like broken barrier or ticket machine at the car park, hit no traffic and then I'd get to nursery 5 minutes before closing time.

Things to consider

  • slightly reduced hours to give yourself an extra 30 mins or hour at the end of the day
  • moving to a job nearer home or vice versa
  • looking for a childcare provider with later pick up

No. Things to consider:

  • not allowing your dp to be so utterly useless he get annoyed when his children need him.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/06/2023 21:16

mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 20:44

No but he WFH and has own business. Earns a lot more than me.
I always wanted to be financially independent. I grew up with my mum not working and her and my dad arguing about money and I swore it wasn't for me.
But mums pick up the slack with childcare don't they? It's just the way no matter how hard we try.
It feels such a struggle to be working so far away these days.

This is where it’s all going wrong.

No, it shouldn’t be down to the Mum to “pick up the slack”.

If you’re in work one day when your partner isn’t, why is she even in childcare, let alone you having to rush back to pick her up? The parent not working (or with the shorter day) should have her, or at the very least be the one to pick her up.

It’s nonsense for you to be stressing about being back for pick up whilst her dad sits at leisure in a pub- let alone him being unimpressed. The fact that you mentioned grandparents as an option, had they been at home, before her father also speaks volumes.

sandyhappypeople · 02/06/2023 21:17

In fairness my partner can be like this, he wouldn't be bothered about actually doing it but he HATES a last minute rush and gets quite flustered.

I know this sounds counter productive but could you work less days but longer hours at your job to avoid the bad commuting times? Commuting is grim. If you love you're job I'd be inclined to try and keep it, if that would work you may need to negotiate a slightly different childcare pattern between you and your partner, for instance you could do the drop off and he could do the Friday pick up?

I have my own business and work from home a lot, and my partner has a rigid job, we both work full time but I have to be the flexible parent because my job allows it. What's the point in having that flexibility if you use it to go to the pub while your partner is stressing trying to race back from work.. he should be on standby for this sort of situation. Unless there's more to it then that and he resents you having a job?

mycoffeecup · 02/06/2023 21:19

Don't give up work. With an arse like that as a partner, you need to be independent

leelaay · 02/06/2023 21:20

I know this sounds counter productive but could you work less days but longer hours at your job to avoid the bad commuting times?

Are you shitting me? He WFH, self employed, he was in the PUB, but the answer here is for the OP to change HER job so she can continue to take on an unfair share of parenting? No that's not the fucking answer!! Some women have such bloody low standards it's embarrassing.

Fudgewomble · 02/06/2023 21:21

Sounds like your partner should be doing pick ups EVERY Friday if it’s a quiet day for him. Think carefully before having any more DC with this gem.

Dooopylally · 02/06/2023 21:22

If it was the woman working from home I suspect she'd end up doing all the drop offs and pick ups, due to being at home.

Nowdontmakeamess · 02/06/2023 21:22

mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 21:05

I do enjoy my job. I can't WFH or do reduced hours. I've only just gone up to 4 days after doing 3 for a couple of years.
Yes I think my partner is a problem. But he's happy to pick DD up with notice, he just hates it when I ring him stressed due to traffic last minute. I'm aware this must be very annoying.
I'd love a WFH job, but I wouldn't know where to start.

The solution to that is that he does all pick ups then from now on. No more stress for you or last minute calls for him. Sorted.
And no more childcare in the holidays on Fridays, if he’s got time for the pub he can spend time with his daughter instead. Actually being a parent, not a knob.