SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

Obviously he's being an arse, but I think we should acknowledge at this point how often posters moan on here about their partner not doing enough and are advised to give him a list of stuff needing done. When it's the other way round the reaction is completely different.

Holy fuck is this for real??

The thought crossed my mind too, it was given as an order/directive rather than two adults with mutual respect for each other discussing how best to manage the workloads moving forward. Without respect your relationship is in “stormy waters” The discussion could have ended up with drawing up a schedule together with tasks distributed fairly based upon other roles and responsibilities. The op may have still ended up with specific tasks each day but it is not reasonable or appropriate being inspected/audited by her DH each day.

To be brutally honest I doubt as a legal secretary you were qualified to reach this opinion, sorry. If it was possible to be work-shy and get paid a lot for talking shit, why didn't you seize the opportunity yourself?

Fuck that. He sounds very excitable. Has he had a recent promotion and he’s bringing his new skill set home!? Nip this in the bud, OP, with a blunt fuck off and a roll of the eyes. Totally fair to discuss household tasks and plan for them, etc, but you are not an employee. The main role of the SAHP is to parent, not mow the bloody lawn. Is the 3 year old to help? Perhaps start them off with the strimmer and see how that goes. Buggeration.

Is he going to pay you a wage based on your working hours? If he is determined to make your relationship formal then you need a contract of employment which states hours, salary, rates for overtime. Yes, I'm being facetious, but it's to point out the ridiculousness of the situation and the fact that you considering allowing this to happen. Don't be a doormat, stand up for yourself!

My thoughts exactly 😂😂😂

My memory of having one 3 year old is that it was absolutely non-stop exhaustion to the point of a breakdown. You can't sit down much at all without the toddler getting into danger, they need constant attention and activities, outings, snacks, they have tantrums, the toilet training, plus the teaching to count, read, sensory play, motor skills, language, etc. etc..

OP you and H will probably get through this mild storm. You will row, compromise, and come to an agreement. And life will be ok/good for a couple of hours (because your youngest is so young) but mark my words this storm is brewing. So start hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

I am a lawyer and also have been a sahp. Not once in many many years of working with lawyers have I heard such nonsense. Of course it would take a complete areshole to even admit this is what they would expect of the parent at home. I call bullshit. Go on strike.

I am a lawyer and I don’t think anyone at my work gives their spouse routines!

I don’t have a spouse/ partner at all and I seem to manage.

Meant years not hours 🙈

Since you’re to be an employee now, I’d be billing him for the “output” for what you achieve including childcare.

there would also be a day when I clock out when he gets home/have a day off at the weekend.

We both work full time, but even when I was on mat leave DH would NEVER have done this. He’d come in from work & do whatever needed doing. Whether that was bathtime for the dc or watching the baby while I had a shower or making dinner, washing up etc. We’re a team.

If you're an employee then you need a contract. Hours, salary and job description.

Then choose if you're willing to accept. Go back to work full-time and tell the arrogant prick it's 50/50 childcare and house duties from now onwards.

How is it not essential to house and clothe and feed your children?

You really think people who work all love their jobs and feel lucky they get to go to work everyday? That the income and financial responsiblity and ensuring their families have their basic needs met are irrelevant and not essential at all to a family.

Income is essential to having a family. If you are an adult, you should be financially responsible for yourself and if you have kids you are financially responsible for them.

She is at home 4 days a week with a 3 year old. Millions of nannies and childcare providers do that and more every day. It isn't essential that she be there, nor is what she is doing some amazing contribution. It is another aspect of family responsibility.

Just because he works with a bunch of arseholes doesn't mean he has to be one too.

I would just tell him to fuck off as it is not happening.

Lol this!! Sex output zero

DH and I are both lawyers. He in particular is a high earner as he is a partner at a prestigious American firm. Your husband is either delusional or flat out lying. If anything the spouses who don’t work spend their time at the gym or going out to lunch. If he wants household staff he should hire someone.

These posts always confuse me. Of course you know you’re not being unreasonable but at the same time did you not know who you married? If my husband said something like this to me it would either be a joke or an indication that he was having a psychotic break.

Hmm.

Monday: garden day. Lawn mowed, leaves swept. Veg patch double dug, with large trench for beans.

Tuesday: household administration. Book holiday, pay gas bill. Contact tradesman for new patio.

Wednesday: clean silver and brass, sharpen knives and garden tools.

Thursday: painting and decorating. Purchase dust tarps, coveralls with hood, dust mask, gaffer tape.

@SummerDuck I'd get a job and tell him that all household duties will now be equally shared. He'll start with some shit about having the bigger income and therefore he needs to do less because he pays more. Then you'll divorce him and he'll try to fleece you but at least youll have a job and a means to escape the micromanaging, misogynistic, prick.

He’s a lazy co trolling fuck and I’d tell him that. I’m a SAHM and my husband still does some chores, all his own laundry, dishwasher if it needs doing and garden work. I do the rest.

Your husband is a piece of shit.

DH is a partner in financial regulation at a city firm and says all of the partners at his firm give their wives chore lists.

Not sure I’m convinced that’s the case.

I can sort of see this too. If it were a SAHD…

Any man suggesting that would be insane. Do you need help digging a patio?

Get the fuck away from him and fast. Controlling AF. Run.