SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

You are seriously considering that question?! Lol. Come on OP. If he wants a housekeeper he can employ one. Just wow.

He's lying if he thinks other lawyers wives take that sort of shit.

@Fizzytea

The 3 yo goes to nursery

I am not sure what you mean by 'gets to work'. He has the only income. He likely has to work or else they would be homeless and hungry and relying on social services for their most basic of needs and living day to day. Going to work isn't a fun voluntary hobby you 'get' to do when you are the only income.

If he quit his job as a lawyer to take a 9-3 he can find that allows him to be home for drop offs and pick ups, their quality of life would likely nose dive and would not afford OP or her kids the lifestyle they are accustomed to. If Op wants to give up their lifestyle and income in exchange for having him home with her most of the time to do more housework and childcare - that is something they need to discuss

They need to work together to figure out how all responsibilities can be shared in a way that neither feels resentful.

@33girls1boy1puppy I can't love this enough 😍🤣

Exactly.

And men like this wonder why their sex life falls off a cliff. 🙄

Urgh grim. Very ‘man of the house’ circa 1950. When I was at home, I was very clear that I was a stay at home MOTHER and my job was looking after the kids. As soon as they were at school I got back to work as I had no desire to be a stay at home WIFE.

That were the exact words I thought of .

This is control .

If he thinks you are a servant fine, if you are his wife you can figure it out for yourself, if he doesn't like what you do or how you do it hard bloody luck. He can do it himself or get a servant.

And, by the way, what he's suggesting is abuse.

Whats the punishment if you don't complete the task? Are there going to be performance reviews? Compensation for overtime? Annual bonus if you go above and beyond?

I thought this.. are you really telling me that everyone else in his office gives their wives a to do list every day then critiques them on it at the end of the day.. utter bollocks.

For 1 day a week unless I have misread

3 year olds still need lots of your time. Make me a drink Mother, hold my hand Mother whilst we admire my toy collection, sit still Mother so I can sit on you because you're squishier than a cushion, make me lunch Mother, no mother a different lunch.
I have two 3 yos, my productivity when they're home is like - 3

He can envisage what he likes it should be a flat out NO from you, what are you not sure about?

I said it before HE IS NOT YOUR BOSS, YOU ARE NOT HIS EMPLOYEE.

Tell him to stick his chores and routines where the sun don't shine. How dare he speak to you or want to treat you like this? Who the fuck does he think he is?

Having read your update clearly he works with a bunch of dicks who have initiated him into the act like a dick to your wife because I'm a lawyer and so effing superior to my stay at home wife branch of the patriarchy.

Yes do this!

It's like when my 6 year old comes home and tells me everyone in his class has a smartphone, ofcourse they do!

Seriously though if all his mates treat their wives like shit, they're probably shagging someone else behind their husbands backs and staying for the lifestyle. Is that what he wants?

Tell HIM to crack on with his lists.

Fuck that shite. I went back full time after each maternity and my DH admired me basically carrying our 2nd for 9 months solid including contact napping those 9 months and longer. We co slept too. He never ever said a word about what I should be doing.

What's his aim? Just to control your dau and feel like a bigboi for bossing his wife? Or he feels you don't do enough? Like why does he care if bathroom is cleaned Tuesday or Wednesday?

My reaction as well, and the fact she has to ask on mumsnet shows how low her self confidence must be.

Exactly what kinds of ‘output’ is he actually expecting?

You could clean the bathroom very day and he might still come home and never find it sparkling - especially with 3 kids in the house.

Tell him you’re going to unionise.

I don't think it is normal at all but I'm not necessarily inclined to side with the other side of the debate entirely either. He obviously doesn't think you are making an equal contribution which means he has lost respect for you. My ex-wife made the same snap judgment about me except I was the spouse at work. My ex tried to give me a weekend chore list which I guess is similar to what's happening here (whether she was right or wrong that I did less than her is irrelevant, marriage is meant to be a partnership and it shows a lack of respect when one spouse - with no knowledge or empathy of the other's responsibilities - starts denigrating the efforts of the other).

It's unfortunately a classic situation in a SAHP scenario where one parent starts thinking they do more than the other spouse and it's a relationship warning too. Having a 3 year old and a teenager at the same time must be very stressful for both of you. You either need to thrash this out, empathise with one another and agree your shares of life's responsibilities are fair or this will only get worse.

And of course those wives are all gagging to have sex with men that set them chores like the housemaid.

I don't know how you'd come back from the level of disdain for you that is contained in his request.

Really hope this is a wind-up. if it isn't, go back to work OP.

Umm, er, no. He 'gets to work,' because she is doing the essential work, which is absolutely vital for the human race, allowing him to do a very unnecessary and possibly damaging activity. Yes, it brings money in, but he's not doing the essential job.

And he 'gets to' work also because she has given up her potential career so that he can pursue his. He wouldn't be able to do his work without her enabling him to do so by looking after the children, doing his share for him.

Before I became a SAHM I was a legal secretary. Most of the male lawyers I worked with work-shy, divorced and full of shit.