SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

It does seem somewhat far fetched

I’m a SAHM of a 2.5 YO with a finance job husband and I haven’t heard of this.

However me and DH tend to chat about stuff that needs doing and very few weeks I’ll write my own to do list and tell him what I’ve done this week eg washed floors or washed all windows or cleared out X cupboard. However if he set me the list rather than I set my own, I would tell him to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine

Of course its not the case

Especially not of you read mumsnet where most sahms have 100k+ earning dhs, cleaners, gardeners and kids in nursery/private school

No it isn’t the ‘done thing’ at all. I bet most of his colleagues would think he’s absolutely crazy if he actually told them that he treated his wife like this! He’s manipulating you and trying to control you! Tell him you will also give him a list of ‘duties’ to do and you will check to make sure they have been done! But oooohhhh nooo there will be some lame excuse like he can’t do them because he works all day ha ha ha! That’s how abusers operate! He is emotionally abusing you! Will most likely get angry with you and make you feel like shit when he ‘checks’ to see if you have done your ‘duties’ correctly and finds they’re not ‘up to his standards’.

He is being billed. Presumably he’s paying the rent/mortgage, all the food, clothes, energy etc etc.

Chore lists!?! What the actual fuck like!?!

My husband (now semi-retired) was senior equity partner in one of the top International London based law firms when we first had young children and he NEVER ever told me what I should or shouldn’t be doing at home as a sahp.
If the children, dogs, and I were happy and healthy, that was all that mattered to him.
He did all the night feeds when they were babies so I could sleep and realised how difficult (and often boring) it was to be looking after babies and toddlers all day. My husband respected and respects my role in the household and considers our roles equal.
I admit I have a cleaner twice a week and my neighbour’s boys cut the grass for pocket money during the Spring/Summer. But our house was, and never has been, as clean or clutter free as it’d been with two adults out at work every day -that’s life!

If your husband wants more ‘output’ perhaps he should target the 15 and 9 year old -hoovering/dishwasher etc. and the 3 year old tidying their toys etc.

So it’s not okay to do that to you but fine to do that to your partner? 🤔

You have posted the same thing twice.

What a load of squit!

He's not doing very well then, is he? Most successful partners in city law firms are paid enough to afford help around the house and with childcare to make up for the fact that they're hardly ever home to help. They don't tend to treat their wives like skivvies.

Even if that's the case it's still wrong. Only two words needed and the second one is off!

So is he your employer? How much is he paying you? How much does a housekeeper cum gardener cum nanny get paid? Probably more than he does!

I’m guessing he pays for the roof over her head and all her food, clothes, transport and holidays. For life.

Does he work in the 1950s?
Or Stepford?

I hope it doesn't rain on Mondays
It's shit doing the garden in the rain

Have you told him to fuck off yet?

Of course it is not the case.

Even if it were why does he think he has to follow what other people do? Is he a lemming?

And free childcare? Childcare is expensive. The male apologists here are fooking shocking.

Laughing at the people saying charge him!!

She already does!

What Is it specifically that he thinks you should be doing that you aren’t?

Honestly @SummerDuck I’d do it. But I would be clear that I was doing ONLY the tasks he set and that if the children needed anything that wasn’t on his task list, he’d need to cover it.

I suspect that he’d quickly realise once the house/childcare is a shambles that he has no fucking idea how much you do

So are you going to take note of the advice given to you or just get walked all over?

A week of that and Sunday would be ‘bury him under the patio day’ for me!!! No, it’s not okay at all. It’s fine to work together to draw up a list of things which need doing each week and divide them up so that you have the vast majority, but for him to allocate tasks in this awful bossy way and then dictate which days you do them on is controlling. You aren’t his employee. If he thinks you aren’t doing enough, reverse it and list what you do each day and present him with that! Or go on strike if he continues to be such an arse.

Is he going to punish you if you don't have your chores done on time? What about if his dinner is not on the table?

Ha ha this has got to be a wind up- made me giggle though

I hope you’re joking.