SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

I’ve now spoken to DH about this in more detail and apparently this is the done thing for his colleagues at work (he is a lawyer). They seemingly give their stay home wives ‘chore routines’ of tasks to be completed each day.
I doubt it.
It's the equivalent of a teenager saying ' but everyone 's mum let them' do whatever the teen wants to do.

He needs to employ a gardener and cleaner

Is this true?

He can put together a map to the far side of fuck while he's at it and don't forget his bus money.

Tell him to get f@@@@d! and then he can get f@@@@d some more cheeky sod.

Oh good lord is he serious 😂?

Ask him for an employment contract and set your nanny/housekeeping rate at £25ph.

Around here, a full-time nanny housekeeper usually earns between £30k-£40k. But that doesn't take into account the 24/7 nature of your duties, so I'd be asking for £60k minimum, with a small deduction for food and lodgings. And holidays of course... 25 days per year with no nanny/housekeeping duties plus bank holidays.

Alternatively, tell him to fuck off.

All the lawyers I know are married to lawyers so.. bollocks.

I would suggest if he’s going to start line managing you he also starts paying you.

I also suggest you get a job.

DH is envisaging coming hole from work and checking to see that the tasks set have been completed, which I have to say I’m not sure about happening.

I'm not entirely sure you're serious here - what would he do if the chores haven't been done? Dock your wages?

And shame on you for being really horrible to an OP coming on here for advice and support. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Blimey, I’m a lawyer op and so are lots of my friends. Never heard of this and it is deeply offensive to you. Sounds like a product of a horribly misogynistic environment. Maybe he does need a new job or partnership elsewhere.

if he treats you like an employee draft up a contract and refuse to opt out of the working time regulations.

SAHPs need to unionise!

I work long hours and husband is SAHP to 5 year old. I admit I do expect him to do the bulk of the domestic stuff but like he'll do I set his routine?! I'm his wife not his line manager!!Also you get to plan his weekend contributions to family life?!

Tbf if you've both agreed that you're in charge of home and he's the one that works outside the home I can see his frustration, BUT you have the three year old every day who will need a lot of attention and supervision and any breaks eg when they are napping or watching tv will probably be spend preparing or tidying their food. If I were you I'd make a list of what needs to be done in the house and how often, and then look at when each of your 'free' time blocks are. They will only be evenings and weekends and your one day a week daytime - you can show him how you fill that with errands, house admin, shop, etc. then the other stuff you split 5050 in the evenings and weekends, so you both know what your agreed jobs and responsibilities are (eg one does laundry, one does garden, one does the cooking on certain days) And/OR you hire some help to do as you'll realize together it's impossible to do it all while working or caring for a child. I'd also have a list prepared of the mental load stuff like arranging play dates, reading and noting important dates from the school emails etc

So he doesn't want to be your husband, he wants to be your manager?

Point out you'd never have sex with your boss.

@SummerDuck sounds like bullshit to me. I can't believe his colleagues do this and there's no way in hell I'd be agreeing to it.

Are you happy with what you do? Think it's enough? I'm asking because I'm a single parent, work part time, the last few months have been a constant round of illness. I'm exhausted, abd the house has gone to shit. My ex husband would very definitely have had plenty to say about it . I'm not happy with the house, but it is what it is. I can't do everything all the time. Normally, I follow the organised mum method. It helps.

Firstly insist on contracted hours say from 8 am
until 5 pm. Monday to Friday - which is then pays you for.

then from 5 pm to 8am and weekends ask him to split childminder 50/50 but with your lunches etc added on as your own free time - just like he gets a break at work.

and then split all housework 100% of the time 50/50 for when you are both not working

and then tell him you are on top taking 30 days holiday during your contracted hours for your own use and of course any sick days

take him to go and read up about divorce as a lawyer and to stop being so bloody ridiculous

Ha! All I can say is he is an idiot OP. I have a just turned 3 year old and this isn't ok. It may work for his colleagues but they are not you and I wonder how they feel about it.

I would leave him to have a day at home with your DD, take yourself to a spa, and see what he accomplishes!

Hahahaha. Just no.

If my husband did this I’d tell him to go fuck himself and then I’d pack a bag and go stay in a nice hotel somewhere with the kids until he got his head out of his arse.

Well I think the main thing is to tell him to fuck off, and that his colleagues are talking bullshit (they are).

Obviously tasks have to be divvied up, so if he doesn’t think you are doing enough then that’s a conversation and a negotiation. The part where he gets to fuck off is the part where he thinks he’s your boss not your partner.

Can you go back to work soon?

@StrawberryWater

Who'd pay?

Im a Sahm and I spent the day on the beach. No housework done this week. Husband is happy for me.

run. Ltb

Op, this is so ridiculous, I doubted if it were real
I'm a sahm for now and dh never ever tells me what to do. Not normal.
Today was a particularly rough day on lack of sleep and an early morning with a 4 month old (in regression) and a 3 year old. DH came home to me exhausted and our house a mess. He just said I'd done well to get through the day, feed everyone and then helped me tidy up ...

Been watching the likes of Andrew Tate have they?

Does he consider himself a clever man? Is he likely to have married somebody who needs to be managed like he is the boss? This reflects so, so badly on his opinion of you, but if he really believes that you need this, then he also looks like a bellend. Apparently he's married to somebody who can't manage their own time. Either way, he sounds awful and a bit stupid. Is he good at academic stuff and bad at life, by any chance, with a particularly large ego?

tell him to fuck off

I know lots of mumsnet people have boundless energy or superpowers, but personally I could not mow a lawn while safely looking after a 3 year old, nor clean a bathroom successfully with a 3 year old.

Also, SAHM means you're doing the early years teaching and play a nursery would provide, so presumably you have all the planning, researching and implementing that involves. I was exhausted and mine had two days a week in nursery.

Tell your husband to give up his job, let you go out to work while he delivers the early years curriculum while mowing a lawn, cleaning a bathroom, etc.!