SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

I reported this because I just could not believe in this day and age that someone actually would be subjected to this. Sadly it seems it is a real life situation.

I agree that Honey-do-lists are fine. I do not agree with husband deciding the time and place that these jobs must be done. Mow the lawn on monday??? A bit controlling I think.

@SummerDuck please come back and update how it goes ?

Well you are working, you're a SAHM. Presumably you do all the food organising and shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, school runs, packed lunches, life admin. You're not an employee, you're his wife and the mother of his children.

I'd tell him to fuck off, or I'd do all the gardening shit then when he doesn't have his tea on the table or clean shirts for work I'd say that because he seemed so adamant on the garden being done you had to forego something else.

Totally agree. And then have the nerve to play the victim.

@Zone2NorthLondon I agree with you but unfortunately I had to give up my career as a Diplomat when I married as my husband was not British. I have always regretted it.

He would be getting told to fuck right off.

Who does he think he is?

If he wants certain things done to HIS standard, he can do them himself. Cheeky bastard.

Definitely not normal OP 💐

Your post chilled me.

It’s the lead-in to abuse. This is not how you treat your valued partner.

Go along with it if you need to but you need a contingency plan to escape. This whole thing makes me feel sick.

OP, please know that what your DH is doing is abusive and NOT NORMAL (and if he and his colleagues think it is, they are misogynists). You are clearly an intelligent, educated woman. Please wake up to what is happening here. He has no respect for you - this is not how a good man behaves.

Ask yourself if you’d want this for your DD? And FGS plan to go back to work ASAP (and think very seriously about the future of your marriage - this is a gigantic red flag).

There needs to be a thread that collects stories like this, that we can all easily link to when a younger woman comes on here thinking about giving up her career to be a SAHM.

Being a SAHM long term- even when you are married - puts you in a vulnerable position.

OP could have had her own city lawyer career and be delegating this work (that her husband clearly doesn't respect) to a cleaner and nanny. If her husband talked about his housekeeping standards she could have laughed in his face and handed him the mop.

Young women- never give up your career for any man.

OP, there's some useful advice here about retuning to work in the law after a career break - https://www.lawsociety.org.uk/topics/the-city/returning-to-the-profession-following-a-career-break-heres-how-we-can-help. . It also mentions returner courses which you could look into.

I'd suggest you also look into voluntary work, for instance advising in something like a CAB or a charity which helps with legal processes such as Shelter or SOS SEN. They'd welcome you with open arms and give you the necessary training, and it's a really helpful thing to have on your CV if or when you go for paid work.

I don’t think women should eschew the desire to be a SAHM for a while on the basis that their DH might be an arsehole.

Figure out who you’re married to, if he’s likely to be an arsehole then keep your job and consider divorce; if he’s a nice guy and you’re both committed to giving your kids a SAHP experience then do it.

The message should be: women don’t marry arseholes, and if you have get out.

My hunch is if OP is this submissive in this instance, that there is already a power imbalance and she is already ground down.

It’s not normal for an educated city lawyer not to be able to stand up to her DH when he’s so out of line. There must be something going on.

Given they’ve been together 15 years and she’s only had her own child 3 years ago, and it seems she gave up her job to look after her step children, I guess he took her on as a wife for free childcare.

How would you know in advance? I know lots of people whose husbands were lovely, and then turned into arseholes after 20 years. And not even because they found someone better. Life just caught up with them, or they got pickier, and more tired.

That said, I know lots of people in the City and in the law ( men and women) and none of them treat their spouses like this or give them a chore list.

You've agreed to it as a trial? Are you mad?
You need to go back to work. Now.

@Mirabai

People change. The wonderful charming man who treated you like gold 20 years ago may very well decide you're no longer up to snuff and turn that same charm on his secretary.

Women have no control over that. Men make all kinds of justifications to themselves for dropping their wives. we see it here on Mumsnet every day.

There's also a big difference between taking a year or two out of the workforce to be a SAHM and then returning even part time to keep your skills up (probably fine in the sense you have a career to return to and can support yourself), and throwing away your professional career to be a SAHM indefinitely.

It's not OP's fault- she trusted the wrong person. But I think other women need to learn from these posts.

It would have seemed like a safe and easy option at the time- support DH to climb the ladder while having more time with your babies- the finances allowed for it and it was an investment in DH's earning potential. You can see how it happens.

But now OP is basically being treated like an underperforming maid service, not a valued partner.

I cant believe you agreed to this. do you get to give him lists of things to do as well? Start with 1. dont be a dick

That your DH is an arsehole? Perspicacity and discrimination.

People can change it’s true, but to go from lovely person to arsehole overnight isn’t common.

They do a women returning to law course. Some employers are actively seeking women law returners and offer placements eg national highways.
I’d seriously look into your work options.

Is he being a dick, though? We don't know how many times they've had this conversation and what the state of their home is.

@SummerDuck maybe look at this organisation to get back into work after a career break
https://womenreturners.com/returners/

Of course people change. And people fall out of love - that’s the biggest cause of nastiness in relationships when neither party is actually an arsehole.

However, women do have control over marrying arseholes. Far far far too many women marry arseholes and they either didn’t notice or had such low expectations of men that they thought it was par for the course.

It’s not either 2 years out or SAHM indefinitely, some women choose to take 5 or 10 years out. If that’s what they want to do that’s up to them, but they need a reliable DH.

I don’t believe this man has changed I think he’s always been a shit. I also think he probably took OP on as childcare for his step kids.

If he thinks she's not pulling her weight, they need to have a proper conversation, not just treat her like an employee

I am a lot older than the average mumsnetter and have had a lot of experience. Years ago, I returned to my career when there was no child care, no maternity leave and many colleagues looked down on me for leaving my baby with someone else.
Later, in different circumstances, I worked at home and had a baby.

I must say that I am so glad that today there is support for mothers to keep their career and have good care for their children. I am so glad there are many women doing so well in different careers today.
I want to say too, that I am glad mothers have a choice and I equally admire those who choose to stay at home with their baby and run their home themselves. Where a mother prefers this we should always support her. Nobody should be castigating her for her choice and nobody should be trying to persuade her to go back to work. She should be free to choose and respected for her choice.

In my work I have met many mothers. Those in work constituted the highest number under stress. This is not a scientific survey, but just how it happened that people came to me for counselling.

It should not be a matter of taking sides. Mumsnet should never be a place where only one type of mother is respected. It cannot be seen to promote either working mums or SAHMs. The point should be that everybody is free to choose what is right for them.

And nobody who chooses to care for their baby at home themselves is throwing away all the education and experience from their professional life. That remains part of who she is and she passes that on to her children. Mothers have a huge influence over their children, whatever they do.