SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

Yet, you STILL mention nothing about HIS salary and how, if half of all responsibilities are HERS, then half of ALL benefits are also hers. Or is that too difficult a concept to understand? She should be able to look at his billable hours and make sure he is earning as much as he can and not slacking off with drinking lunches, visits around the water cooler and other distractions.
Goose and gander, yet again.
But, I can understand why some don't understand. Misogyny is a great thing to lean on for those who cling to it. Just not as much for the rest of us.

Oh, I think these misogynists don't think she has any right to the "joint assets". Just the responsibilities. Frankly, it's very disheartening.

So pretty much you used to be a highly qualified lawyer with a pretty good career ahead of you but you quit so he could work on his career while he offloaded the drudgery family stuff to you. And now he wants to treat you like an employee? I don't think so. Why are you putting up with this demeaning treatment? Are you sure that when you stopped working years ago, that you really quit work freely? You're basically me, and I admit I'm pretty bitter about the way my husband stuck me with all the boring, unpaid work of handling family life, while he worked on his Brilliant Career and never had time to take a sick day (but of course always had time for his hobbies). But even my husband recognises that I made a lot of sacrifices so he could have his brilliant career, and that only I can know whether I'm doing the housework to the best of my capabilities for someone of my age and health. He certainly would never give me a list of tasks or expect to check on completion when he gets home from work. I can't believe you're putting up with this. It's really not ok.

And if that's the case what do you think will happen if she follows his list and does everything he asks?
Is he going to be happy and loving and caring? No
He will respect her even less if he's writing her out a daily list of chores and then inspecting her 'output' every evening.

Has he always been a dick or is this a new thing I’m at home due to my health my DH would be sleeping under the stars if he for one minute thought he could give me a list of chores and then said he would be checking everything when he got home from work. Tell him to fuck off and shove his chores up his ass.

Trial it, but telling him to fuck right off. Review that at the end of the week! What a dick.

🤔 why is that any better?

The lawyer thing isn't a thing. My husband is a partner in law firm too. He wouldn't dream of doing this

I understand fully. I think its you who is struggling.
The OP cannot bill her husband for ALL of the housework and childcare, because he would only be liable to pay for HALF. So the maximum he 'owes' her is the share she picks up on his behalf. Using the childcare example, 1.5 days, given he pays for a day at nursery and the other 2.5 days are the OPs responsibility anyway.
As for her having half of all the benefits of his job, well we have no information from the OP on how his salary is used within the family do we? We know he funds every aspect of the OPs life and her half of the financial provision for the children, but whether this is equates to half of his salary, we don't know.
What we do know is that she is not doing half of the paid work that brings in the income, so her contribution to the partnership lies solely in the domestic sphere.
The arrangement was clearly intended to be that rather than both contribute financially and both domestically, they took one area each. For the OP to expect payment for her area on top of the financial benefit she already receives would be double charging.
And do please stop hurling 'misogyny' about. I'm a woman and a feminist. Just because more women don't work than men, it doesn't mean we must pretend that housework has the same financial value as paid work.

Just to add, whether people on here think the OP is entitled to bill her husband or not is irrelevant. All the bravado about insisting on the value of what she does is entirely empty when you're talking about a woman with no financial clout or independence, who's lifestyle hangs on her partners goodwill.
If ever there was an example of how the SAH model can hurt women, then this is it. All well and good while the man remains compliant, but when he starts to chafe then the wheels really do fall off.

Good Lord OP get a backbone. We can't help you if you don't want to help yourself.

That would be a NO from me.

It sounds like a great way for him to judge you. Why does he want to manage you like this?

This is a red flag imo. That he doesn’t value you, or what you do. What do you think will happen when he starts criticising your every move? Sounds miserable. I’d start retraining fast, plus ensure I have all the necessary financial info to divorce.

It’s day, not days.

I think it's the controlling nature of the request that concerns me - what will it lead to?
I remember dh saying people pay vast sums of money to hear what he has to say and he gets home and no one gives a shit.😂That's healthy - it's grounding and it's what he needed to maintain a healthy view of himself. Thankfully he has remained humble despite his career success, which has no doubt made him easier to work with and live with.

I'd tell him that after carefully considering his proposal you have come to the conclusion that he can fuck right off, then when he gets there he can fuck off some more. Giving you duties and checking when he gets home, what is he thinking! You're not his slave. May I just ask how long you spent laughing hysterically in his face when he made this ridiculous suggestion?

Bigger fool you then (if this is even real).

Somethings changed. Any ideas what it could be? Perhaps he wants you to decide to go back to paid work instead?

If so, he might be thinking about improving life style and sharing the financial burdens. However, presumably he isn't stupid and realises that he'd either have to contribute to domestic duties or pay for outsourcing. So, any other reasons?

Would there be an advantage to him in you working outside the home, should the marriage end..? Does he simply not want to be seen as the bad guy?

Point being, this is all speculation. I really think you need to increase communication urgently, try and find out why the shift in behaviour. Would he consider marriage counselling for example?

I hope you are financially protected, pension sorted?

This comes across primarily as a wind up and it has definitely achieved its purpose.

However, playing along....she has been a SAHM for 15 years and says this is just a recent concern / conversation. Hence something has changed

It sounds like your DH is truly a gem! Love his sense of humor!

ITA with the "controlling nature of the request". So very one-sided and superior sounding.

What - out of interest- does this Prince of men do in the way of chores?

why don’t you have a gardener/cleaner if he’s such a hot shot.

i mean Christ alive, my oh is loaded, we don’t have a cleaner cos he doesn’t like them, but we have a gardener. Otherwise my oh pitches in and does more than his fair share on occasions, as I have to travel for work

why isn’t your h cutting the grass on the weekend/evenings?

There’s lots of support out there for professional women returning to the work place:

https://recruitment.fdmgroup.com/returners-general-landing-page/?gad=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw7PCjBhDwARIsANo7CgmD-9G7RwMBo_hnN83ZZFg-sQOoSXR1ldaOSwMHCbAdIgAIXJMRpusaAgJNEALw_wcB

https://womenreturners.com/resources-for-lawyers/

https://www.lawsociety.org.uk/career-advice/career-development/returning-to-law-after-a-career-break

I think his way of approaching any frustrations he has is TOTALLY wrong.
However, I do think we all need to make sure we are self aware - effectively, as a stay at home parent, certain tasks are your ‘job’. Are you doing them well?
My husband has a tendency to be a lazy and if he was a stay at home parent while I worked full time, I know he’d be doing most things badly, if at all, and I would feel totally put upon and resentful that I’d be coming home to a messy house, lazy meals, laundry festering in the machine, life admin not done etc etc and I’d have to end up doing those jobs myself as well as my full time hours. I’d be tempted (but I hope I’d find a better solution) to give him a ‘task list’! (I do admit to having ocd about to do lists and productivity)
If you can hand on heart say you are being as productive with your time as you can be, then you can tell him to f off.
If you can’t, then you still need to tell him to f off bit perhaps you also need to change how you maximise use of your time??? One three year old at home isn’t a massive hindrance.

I would have to say she doesn't exactly have a healthy feeling of self-worth. One can take a few classes to brush up and go back to being an attorney. A paralegal. A counsellor, mediator or any number of things. But, she wishes to be a doormat, so to each their own.
I will just hope that this was all just a wind up, a post to get people angry or a cry for attention. Anything else just hurts my head and my heart.

Glad someone else had pointed out the way Mumsnet often talks about husbands and fathers. It is never OK to treat a life partner as anything other than an independent human being with their own ideas about how things should be done. It is never good for a relationship when one party is controlling.

I would refuse. Since when has he been an expert on Child Care, Household Management, Nutrition, Cooking, Shopping, Cleaning, Gardening, and all the rest? No. Has he ever, effectively and properly, taken over the role you perform for at least a month without a break? No. Does he know anything about it? No. Tell him he has no right to do this. Do you micromanage his job? Why not? Same reason he can't micromanage yours.
You shouldn't be driven back to work to escape a monstrous husband.
He is being totally unreasonable and I am sure he's lying about his Colleagues doing this. Maybe one of them does. But all of them? Huh! Their wives would leave, surely?
What he is doing, and planning to do, constitutes coercive control which is an offence under law.

He is: -Closely monitoring your activity. - Monitoring your time.
-Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless. - Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you. -Denying your freedom. -Constantly criticising you. - Forcing you to live by his rules - Taking control over aspects of your everyday life. - Policing your lifestyle.

I'd say that his "everybody at the office does it for their wife" is gaslighting.

Plus he is completely unaware of the important work you do 24 hours a day caring for your 3 year old. This alone is exhausting.

Planning, shopping for, cooking meals and clearing up or a family of five is a full-time job.

I know somebody with one child, married to a Lawyer, who is a SAHM apart from a small time when she did a very PT job. She has a Cleaner once a week. Her DH does not make these demands. In fact on Saturdays he gives her a day off and looks after their child while she does anything she likes, usually visiting museums I think!

Take a step back. Would that younger you, when she was an efficient and capable lawyer, have let one of the other lawyers set her a list of household tasks, ignoring the vital demands of child care which are unpredictable. Then would she spend the day anxiously trying to achieve his goals [which he has never done], always aware that at the end of the day she would allow him to go round the house - her home - to critique her competence at accomplishing his list of jobs?

Would you have agreed to anything like this when you first met him? Or -

Where would you have told him to put his list?