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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

974 replies

SummerDuck · 02/06/2023 19:43

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

OP posts:
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Flittingaboutagain · 03/06/2023 21:40

jannier · 03/06/2023 20:54

Do sahm s generally accept that in becoming one they also become the lesser party in the relationship and their OH will have the overall say down to which chores will be done and that as the paying customer the DH can be waited on etc?

No. Absolutely not. Something is very wrong here.

ConsuelaHammock · 03/06/2023 21:43

Depends on whether you keep the house clean and tidy tbh. If he has to do a lot of housework as well as work fulltime then perhaps he has a point. I’d go back to work in your situation.

MaidOfSteel · 03/06/2023 21:43

You're a highly qualified, intelligent woman. Why on earth have you agreed to ket your husband treat you like a servant??

cherish123 · 03/06/2023 21:44

I would not tolerate this level of control. When I was not working, I did 90%of the household duties. My DH never really bothered to comment. I suspect if I'd done nothing he may have said something. While I don't think you are bu, the flipside of this is that if I worked full-time and dh was not working, I'd expect him to do everything and I wouldn't want to do anything chores.

PeloMom · 03/06/2023 21:48

@Mirabai
may I have the headhunter’s details please?

Abouttimemum · 03/06/2023 21:51

I’m off with DS aged 4 two days a week and not a chance I’d get any ‘chores’ done on those days, nor would I even try. I’m off to look after him not mow the bastard lawn.

Elly46 · 03/06/2023 22:04

I would bet you work just as hard if not harder than him some days. I’m a sahm and just bearing the mental load
each day is a lot. Tell him
that all this doesn’t sit right with you and dont agree to it.

Pallisers · 03/06/2023 22:05

well if you do accept this as your fate, OP, if you are ever at a social event with your husband's colleagues please make sure to tell them exactly how he behaves - ideally tell the most senior woman partner how he gives you a list of chores every day and then checks to see you've done them. Actually tell everyone you socialise with, family, friends, colleagues. After all if it is so acceptable and normal, he'll be fine with everyone knowing.

Mumofnarnia · 03/06/2023 22:16

Pallisers · 03/06/2023 22:05

well if you do accept this as your fate, OP, if you are ever at a social event with your husband's colleagues please make sure to tell them exactly how he behaves - ideally tell the most senior woman partner how he gives you a list of chores every day and then checks to see you've done them. Actually tell everyone you socialise with, family, friends, colleagues. After all if it is so acceptable and normal, he'll be fine with everyone knowing.

Love this comment! Made me chuckle 🤣

But on a more serious note, I agree with this. You need to tell everyone and anyone about what he’s making you do. So that when the time comes to denying it or claiming you’re crazy (which he will do eventually) he will already look stupid. Always be one step ahead of emotional abusers!

greyhairnomore · 03/06/2023 22:49

Irridescantshimmmer · 03/06/2023 20:59

Create your own routines, instead of your DH's.... that way, it is on your terms once he sees jobs are done, he may get off your back.

Or he can eff off to work and leave OP a competent intelligent woman to run the house , it's not rocket science.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/06/2023 22:58

randomfriends · 03/06/2023 20:24

Presuming you are referring to your own circumstances, I'm wondering if it is just the financial responsibility you carry, or is the mental load as well? Cos that's a whole other thing!

Along those lines I think it's important to consider that many SAHP, particularly women, end up in an extremely vulnerable position financially, especially when their partner turns out to be financially controlling or abusive.

Don't think that SAHP don't worry about their partner's losing their jobs, or worse either.

Show quote history

Not my own circumstances but I do work full time in a high pressured senior role so I can relate to how overwhelming it can be and that’s including financially at times even though that is shared with my husband so I can’t imagine how it must feel to do it alone.

Oh, I couldn’t agree more with that which is why I would never advise anyone to be a SAHP.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2023 22:59

SummerDuck · 03/06/2023 18:14

It’s probably worth saying that I was also a City lawyer before I had the DC (which is how I met DH. It would be very difficult for me to go back to that after 15 years, so I’d probably be looking at retraining in something else.

Frankly I’m a bit stuck and wish I had gone back to work at least part-time earlier but that would’ve been very difficult with DH’s role.

DH and I have agreed that we will trial his proposed ‘duties’ system for a week so we will see how it goes.

Why?? Do you have fantasies about sleeping with your boss?

FindingNeverland28 · 03/06/2023 22:59

Do it for a week and then hand him a time sheet at the end of the week. Don’t “clock off” until you’ve done everything household related and perhaps your hourly rate should be something like £20p/h. Then disappear on a weekend, because they’re your days off and you can go and spend your hard earned money on something for you.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/06/2023 23:02

T1Dmama · 03/06/2023 21:11

There is obviously an expectation that SAHP carry out certain household chores… however when and how you do it should be worked around you, not him!
Obviously bins have to be put out a certain day but as for which day the bed is changed, grass is cut etc… surely you’re intelligent enough to work out for yourself if the grass is long or not?!?…. I would tell him that while his work colleagues are happy to micro manage their wives and get some sort of power trip out of that… you’re so glad he’s only kidding about it and isn’t such a huge knob as his ‘friends’…
and tell him if he’s being serious then he needs to wind his neck in and pull his arse back into the 21st century….. and stop treating you like an employee!

im a SAHP & it’s amazing how little time I actually have!!… people imagine us sitting watching day time TV I think… but the reality is that once dogs are walked and play groups, swimming lessons, food shopping, hoovering, cooking etc is done it’s time to do baths, reading and put them to bed…

What you have described is also the case for those who work though.

Swimming lessons, food shopping, hoovering, cooking etc

Achwheesht · 03/06/2023 23:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Caelan2018 · 03/06/2023 23:10

omg I am a sahm too kids are 4.5,2.5 and 13 months no way would this happen here I would leave

ManyATrueWord · 03/06/2023 23:34

This thread makes me shudder. A lawyer becomes a mother and now needs her responsibilities checking? She's not the hired help. And actually why isn't a family that high earning getting help anyway?

BettySwallocks · 03/06/2023 23:36

He IS that guy from Quantum Leap

SkyandSurf · 03/06/2023 23:39

Don't assume you can't return to your old career- speak to a recruiter or a career advisor. You have many years ahead of you- you can reestablish yourself as a city lawyer.

He's being outrageous and I would demand marriage counselling at this point.

MsRosley · 03/06/2023 23:43

MaidOfSteel · 03/06/2023 21:43

You're a highly qualified, intelligent woman. Why on earth have you agreed to ket your husband treat you like a servant??

Yeah, I can't get my head around this either.

planningnightmare · 03/06/2023 23:45

This must be a wind up. too depressing to think this might be real.

Nanaof1 · 03/06/2023 23:53

Tegrate · 03/06/2023 09:57

I was in this role for 14 years. Dh's approach was anything that makes me happy is cool with him. The house was kept fairly clean, the food was mostly from scratch, the kids were generally happy, well cared for. Occasionally he enquired whether we needed a cleaner (I did not want this), he had to remind me he was running out of shirts (sending them out to be laundered was more hassle IMO) and a few times I got lists which are more like reminders of stuff that needs to be done like book holiday etc (I gave dh these lists too on stuff he had to do). But never would he ever consider implementing duties and routines to be checked by him - maybe he's confused on the lists thing that I assume all couples give each other?

I don't see anything wrong with "honey-do" lists for either a husband, wife or even children.
For me, it's the "routines and chores that will be inspected daily" is what chaps my hide. Especially for daily things that most people just "do" and certainly don't need inspected for quality and completeness.
The fact that some people here think the OP should be on her knees waiting for her DH to issue his proclamations because she is a SAHM and he is gasp a lawyer and makes good money is what boggles my mind more than anything else. They are totally unaware of their misogyny or just don't GAS.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/06/2023 00:13

jannier · 03/06/2023 20:54

Do sahm s generally accept that in becoming one they also become the lesser party in the relationship and their OH will have the overall say down to which chores will be done and that as the paying customer the DH can be waited on etc?

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

SleepingStandingUp · 04/06/2023 00:15

Do you think he's trying to get you back to work and earning op? Like a fuck you and your list, I'll get a job and a proper manager?

gumball37 · 04/06/2023 01:50

Well if he wants to dictate what you do like a boss, he can pay you like one. What the fuck?!

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