SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

We are renovating a house and garden and we will draw up a joint to do list on weekends together as equals. Which was great for DIY shopping and timing of jobs

This sounds insane and controlling and I would tell DH to go fuck himself if he did this.

Surely as a qualified solicitor you would be able to get a job even if it wasn’t up to your old level straight away? Otherwise you are his house keeper.

I can't fucking believe what I've read here. Are you his skivvy now?

On the off chance and given your previous career, is it a possibility that he feels that you'd benefit from a challenge and that giving you a list might motivate you to stretch yourself and help you get your spark back, perhaps bring out your competitive side?

Why does he get to dictate how and when you do things around the home? If these things are your "job" as a SAHP, it's your domain and you can manage things as you see fit. Same as he does in his job.

That’s not a husband nor a marriage!! That is the start of a man becoming a dictator & narcissistic ass who thinks that a woman’s job is to do absolutely everything while he brings in the money & therefore doesn’t have to do anything else, he will probably expect you to wait hand & foot to his friends if he had them over for a meal or say to watch the football & moan your not doing a good job as a mother if the kids make a noise because your too busy seeing to him & his friends, I would say make arrangements secretly to get out of there before it gets worse I mean A husband giving his wife a chore list that he will be checking to make sure everything has been done on the proper day & done to his high exacting standards, I don’t think so

OP if you're serious that you've agreed to this then you have to fail at it. Do NOT exceed his expectations. Do NOT worry about disappointing him. Do NOT tie this white up with any shred of your self-worth.

If you achieve his list, what will he do? Pat you on the head and say "Well done!" No, he'll add more tasks to it.

Alternatively, work to rule. I can 100% guarantee he has no idea what's involved in your daily life. So use this "opportunity" to educate him. If Monday is garden day, then there'll be no cooking, cleaning, admin, etc. No dinner, no food shopping (or delivery).

But really, you shouldn't be agreeing to this: he's your equal, not your manager and you his incompetent junior.

I am a SAHM and a home educator. If hubby did this then the list would end up somewhere in his body

This is a slippery slope to cohesive control

Tell him to fluff off & if he doesn’t like the routine you, as an adult, complete within the house hold he can move out!
Massively cheeky fluffery!

@SummerDuck - please PLEASE reach back into your previous life, you're an intelligent and capable person.
You'll easily get a job, maybe not a crappy city job but while wants that anyway as a grown up and a parent.
Get yourself a career again and a pension and also get your confidence back
Good luck and don't berate yourself or allow others to berate you, ever!

Presuming you are referring to your own circumstances, I'm wondering if it is just the financial responsibility you carry, or is the mental load as well? Cos that's a whole other thing!

Along those lines I think it's important to consider that many SAHP, particularly women, end up in an extremely vulnerable position financially, especially when their partner turns out to be financially controlling or abusive.

Don't think that SAHP don't worry about their partner's losing their jobs, or worse either.

No unfortunately I doubt that very much. Although someone who’s never been in an abusive / controlling relationship might see it that way. My young and naive self may have had your way of thinking too. But unfortunately many women on here, including myself have the experience to know that it is in fact very controlling and him saying his colleagues at work apparently ‘all give their wives a list of chores’ is extremely manipulative, controlling and gaslighting. My ex used to also give me a list of chores - it certainly wasn’t to give me ‘motivation’ as nothing was more unmotivating than him coming home from work to ‘check’ if I’d done said chores, only to pull me down and tell me I’d not done them properly and I’d done a crap job, then shout at me and make me feel bad for apparently ‘doing them wrong’ (which I hadn’t)!

Why the fuck have you agreed to this?

Well this is a really depressing thread now.

I hope this is not true. You cannot possibly have agreed to this!
What if you fail at his check up or don't reach standards then what? A warning? And then after 3 warnings you get a divorce and he gets to pay you child support and possibly more, you keep the family home until the youngest is an adult and he gets to move out, and he gets to have to parent his children solo every other weekend? I think that option sounds a lot more appealing to be honest. This is madness.

Do sahm s generally accept that in becoming one they also become the lesser party in the relationship and their OH will have the overall say down to which chores will be done and that as the paying customer the DH can be waited on etc?

Create your own routines, instead of your DH's.... that way, it is on your terms once he sees jobs are done, he may get off your back.

From experience he won’t divorce her because she ‘failed the checks’, he will most likely keep her around as his maid and skivvy and continue to devaluate and emotionally abuse her. Until she is of no further use to him and then discard and move onto the next one.

Hi @SummerDuck,

It sounds like you love your family very much and have made huge sacrifices in order to do the best for them. I wonder where you and your needs fit into this? It sounds like perhaps you've lost a part of yourself during this time; a part that was independent and (I'm assuming) confident, successful and in control of your own life.

Motherhood can sometimes feel very deskilling, thankless and can result in a loss in confidence too. Not everyone has an Insta worthy #mumlife or enjoy everything that comes with being a stay at home parent. You describe yourself as feeling stuck and holding some regret (maybe even resentment?) at not returning to work sooner. I wonder whether it is worth exploring this further? Do you have a good friendship group that you could talk honestly about some of these feelings without being judged?

I think you were rightly concerned about how your DH went about this situation with roles, responsibilities and duties. It sounds like you've found a way forward with this and not knowing you, your family or situation, it wouldn't feel right for me to give my opinion, however, I do wonder how you feel about this plan? I wonder what your DH wants to achieve or what are his desired "outcomes" in implementing this plan? Could he value things that are different to what you value? I know my DH values tidiness far more than me and we've both had to compromise so that neither feel uncomfortable within our own home.

I hope this was helpful, and if I got the wrong end of the stick, please feel free to ignore. I don't generally comment on posts, but felt drawn to your story - perhaps because I have felt some of these things at different points in my own motherhood journey.

Best of luck OP.

Hahaha that’s the craziest shit I’ve read in a long time and inclined to believe this is just a wind up.

What next? Will there be quarterly reviews to assess your performance? Will he put you on a performance improvement plan if your not meeting expectations? Lol Goodluck, you’ve obviously accepted your fate.

There is obviously an expectation that SAHP carry out certain household chores… however when and how you do it should be worked around you, not him!
Obviously bins have to be put out a certain day but as for which day the bed is changed, grass is cut etc… surely you’re intelligent enough to work out for yourself if the grass is long or not?!?…. I would tell him that while his work colleagues are happy to micro manage their wives and get some sort of power trip out of that… you’re so glad he’s only kidding about it and isn’t such a huge knob as his ‘friends’…
and tell him if he’s being serious then he needs to wind his neck in and pull his arse back into the 21st century….. and stop treating you like an employee!

im a SAHP & it’s amazing how little time I actually have!!… people imagine us sitting watching day time TV I think… but the reality is that once dogs are walked and play groups, swimming lessons, food shopping, hoovering, cooking etc is done it’s time to do baths, reading and put them to bed…

You can not be serious!!! - Tell him if he wants to do this then he needs to start paying you hourly wages.
(If I tried this with my DW she'd string me up by the nether regions.)

😳

Zero sympathy for you, OP.

Good luck - you’re going to need it.

No no no no no no no