SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

Bring it on, let’s see his true colours.

I guarantee you that he actually has no realistic clue as to what goes into running the household. He will give you big obvious 'duties' at the detriment to all the small little things that add up to create a workable home. I'm a stay at home parent who is looking to return to workforce in near future and have been discussing with my other half all the jobs around the house we are now going to have to share. He's gobsmacked by how much he's going to have to do and all the things he hadn't even thought of that I do on a daily basis. He's not your boss he's your partner you are equals he goes off to work without you micromanaging what he's doing all day he should trust you enough to do your work at home. There will always be times when some tidying gets left or something doesn't get done you are a stay at home PARENT not the housemaid.

How is this a relationship of equals exactly?
Why are you happy to be servile to DH OP?
What happens if you don't come up to scratch?
And like fuck is this what the other men at work do.

Yes, but this is also the kind of bully who will roll over her if she doesn't stand up to him.

First thing that needs doing on Monday: new patio.

Jesus Christ! What are you doing, mate? You know this is not ok, why are you agreeing to this shit. If you decided you wanted to manage the house that way, fine, but him checking your ‘duties’? Even that word is repellent. Get him
in the bin!

Has being at home for so long destroyed your confidence? You must have been a highly skilled lawyer, there must be a way you use that experience and go back to a decently paid job. I know of at least six friends who have retrained to do counselling, they have enjoyed it but aren't exactly coining it in. If you're going to go back to work it needs to be well paid for your own feeling of self-worth. Not sure if this is happening at other firms, but Hill Dickinson say this...

'we offer flexible, agile, and smart working to those returning from a career break and existing employees alike. To ensure our people feel the benefits of such initiatives throughout the firm, we ensure that:

• All Hill Dickinson managers are proactively trained and supported in the art of managing flexible working arrangements.
• Every employee is set up to work on a flexible basis.
• Our technology and infrastructure are such that all roles at Hill Dickinson are considered agile.
• All employees have access to flexible hours, with the appropriate sign-off from their line manager.'

I think you will find the 'chore list' very demeaning and soul destroying, and not sustainable long-term. Good luck

Ok my first impulse is just to tell him to fuck off. But then I’m wondering whether this level of controlling behaviour is a sign of depression and anxiety, is there something wrong elsewhere in his work life? Is he trying to control you at home because he feels out of control at work?

My sis has recently gone back into the city after a 15 year break. She went to a female headhunter who specialises in getting women back into city jobs.

I can pass on her details if you’re interested.

Please look at “returnships”. You can go back to work. I have just returned back, after 13 years, to a city job. I have picked up where I left off and it’s the best thing I have done. They are a lot more sympathetic to childcare issues these days. My DP would never have given me lists, but I have learnt that his life at work was a lot easier than mine at home (and still is). I am addressing this…
Also, follow Zawn on face book.

So you end the relationship! You don’t agree to controlling behaviour otherwise whatever she does will never be good enough for him. He will raise the bar higher and higher and move the goal posts further and further. Whatever she does will never be good enough! Trust me, I’ve been there. All she is setting herself up for is more and more controlling behaviour and the only way you can regain control is to remove yourself from the situation, not pander to it! Otherwise she will just become a shell of her former self!

You are already in a vulnerable position by not having financial independence- now you are giving up more of that independence. You are becoming a maid and a nanny. Please don’t do this.
why does he know better than you what needs doing?

I was going to say You are mad to have agreed to that , however now I think you are in a controlling relationship.
You were a lawyer and you can't argue your case against this ?

LOL! Don’t have kids yet (ttc) but surely he understands that you can plan all you want with kids - doesn’t always work. I had a couple of days off this week (had some annual leave I needed to take before it ran out) so stayed home while he went to work. The only thing my husband (sneakily) suggested was that I bake some cakes (I didn’t mind, I like baking and cake)

equally, if he was to have time off I wouldn’t give him a list to do. He’s quite good so I could deffo trust him to do some chores. Why does he think you’re not doing enough? What more does he want?! Unless the house is filthy, I don’t see what he’s expecting from you?!

Is he your husband or your employer. I would tell him to take a hike. Being SHAM is hard work, I had friends that worked part time and said to me I don't know how yiu do it, I go back to work part time for a rest. My husband just had to get up and go to work, I did everything (apart from the garden stuff), but I did all the painting of rooms and volunteered in my kids school and did some charity volunteering, before I went back to work. These wives of your husbands colleagues are mugs.

Are you serious.....you had a career using your brain you sacrificed it so your DH could carry on with his and now he's imposing his schedule on you? Where's the woman he fell for with brain and drive? What's he given up for your family?

It must be the case that she's been ground down by him to agree to it yes.

🤣🤣

If this is real, it saddens me to know there are relationships out there like this.

I would tell him to go fuck himself. Your full time job is looking after the children. Anything else is shared duties. What a cheeky b*stard!

Very nicely put 🤣

@Mirabai

You care lol.

@SummerDuck

Sounds like a great plan.

Best of luck with it all.

🙄

I can't believe you're going along with this. He's got zero respect for you and sadly you don't appear to have much respect for yourself. This will be the thin end of the wedge 🤷🏻‍♀️