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Original poster

SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

974 replies

SummerDuck · 02/06/2023 19:43

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
GeriKellmansUpdo · 03/06/2023 18:16

Why the hell have you agreed to that?

pointythings · 03/06/2023 18:18

@SummerDuck I'm sorry, but you've really taken the path of least resistance here and I think you'll regret it. His idea is not reasonable by any stretch of the imagination, and it is a measure how he has ground you down that you are going along with it even on a trial basis. I'm very sad to read of your decision - men like him should not be allowed to win.

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/06/2023 18:20

SummerDuck · 03/06/2023 18:14

It’s probably worth saying that I was also a City lawyer before I had the DC (which is how I met DH. It would be very difficult for me to go back to that after 15 years, so I’d probably be looking at retraining in something else.

Frankly I’m a bit stuck and wish I had gone back to work at least part-time earlier but that would’ve been very difficult with DH’s role.

DH and I have agreed that we will trial his proposed ‘duties’ system for a week so we will see how it goes.

Of course you have.

OhamIreally · 03/06/2023 18:20

For fuck's sake.

sandyhappypeople · 03/06/2023 18:22

SummerDuck · 03/06/2023 18:14

It’s probably worth saying that I was also a City lawyer before I had the DC (which is how I met DH. It would be very difficult for me to go back to that after 15 years, so I’d probably be looking at retraining in something else.

Frankly I’m a bit stuck and wish I had gone back to work at least part-time earlier but that would’ve been very difficult with DH’s role.

DH and I have agreed that we will trial his proposed ‘duties’ system for a week so we will see how it goes.

Well you obviously think you weren’t pulling your weight in the house otherwise it’s unlikely you’d agree to this.. but you do you. Slippery slope if you ask me!

SplendidUtterly · 03/06/2023 18:22

This can't be real 😂

monsteramunch · 03/06/2023 18:23

After all the comments on here, and your own gut reaction, you've basically said yes to his demand?

OP this is a hill to die on. You've given him to green light to behave as your boss and manager, not an equal team mate in life.

This isn't the way a healthy couple operates and you deserve to be respected, not micro managed and chastised like an employee / child.

Georgyporky · 03/06/2023 18:23

I know it's not really funny, but I've had a laugh.
I can imagine the rest .
Monday night: doggy fashion
Wednesday : oral
Friday: @SummerDuck on top

Exasperatednow · 03/06/2023 18:28

SummerDuck · 03/06/2023 18:14

It’s probably worth saying that I was also a City lawyer before I had the DC (which is how I met DH. It would be very difficult for me to go back to that after 15 years, so I’d probably be looking at retraining in something else.

Frankly I’m a bit stuck and wish I had gone back to work at least part-time earlier but that would’ve been very difficult with DH’s role.

DH and I have agreed that we will trial his proposed ‘duties’ system for a week so we will see how it goes.

Just why have you agreed to this?

Pallisers · 03/06/2023 18:28

SummerDuck · 03/06/2023 18:14

It’s probably worth saying that I was also a City lawyer before I had the DC (which is how I met DH. It would be very difficult for me to go back to that after 15 years, so I’d probably be looking at retraining in something else.

Frankly I’m a bit stuck and wish I had gone back to work at least part-time earlier but that would’ve been very difficult with DH’s role.

DH and I have agreed that we will trial his proposed ‘duties’ system for a week so we will see how it goes.

you're a fool to agree to that.

Carryonkeepinggoing · 03/06/2023 18:30

This week add all the stuff you do every day to his stupid list that he hasn’t thought of.
All the stuff you do that enriches your children’s lives and educational experiences.
All the family admin stuff.
All the homemaking stuff he maybe doesn’t think of or care about but you do - decluttering, choosing new decor stuff.
In minute fucking detail. Don’t write ´cleaned kitchen’, write ´cleaned and disinfected fridge, emptied bins. Cleaned and disinfected bins. Ordered size X bin bags.

FloofCloud · 03/06/2023 18:30

FFS is this a joke? If he's so intent on chores then he can have his own bloody list, fucking city lawyer ... control freak and arsehole - he's not a big shot, he's a bloke lucky to have a family waiting for him at home and he needs to do his bit too.
You're clearly intelligent yourself, you have a brain are are
Capable of doing your own 'duties' (only saying that as he has his own work duties) when he's home he pulls in at least half the work too.
Get yourself back to work asap IMO you need a career, pension and some self worth, good luck and don't let him stamp on you
I say this as someone with a PhD and successful myself and my DH never dared to do anything except support me .. the way it should be
Take care

Gettingbysomehow · 03/06/2023 18:40

I'd leave someone for this after having an explosive row. You are not his employee.

LovelyLisa2 · 03/06/2023 18:41

I’d tell him to F off….

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 03/06/2023 18:42

@SummerDuck
Is he thinking of taking early retirement?

SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’
Mojoj · 03/06/2023 18:44

Clearly a wind up.

Gettingbysomehow · 03/06/2023 18:44

SummerDuck · 03/06/2023 18:14

It’s probably worth saying that I was also a City lawyer before I had the DC (which is how I met DH. It would be very difficult for me to go back to that after 15 years, so I’d probably be looking at retraining in something else.

Frankly I’m a bit stuck and wish I had gone back to work at least part-time earlier but that would’ve been very difficult with DH’s role.

DH and I have agreed that we will trial his proposed ‘duties’ system for a week so we will see how it goes.

For God's sake don't agree to this. No woman would agree to this he is talking shit. You need to retrain and get back to work ASAP and then ditch this prick. Let's see how he manages 3 kids 50% of the time. If someone checked my house work I would end them. You ate allowing yourself to be bullied. Stand up for yourself. He,ll boast about this at work and make you look pathetic.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 03/06/2023 18:47

SummerDuck · 03/06/2023 18:14

It’s probably worth saying that I was also a City lawyer before I had the DC (which is how I met DH. It would be very difficult for me to go back to that after 15 years, so I’d probably be looking at retraining in something else.

Frankly I’m a bit stuck and wish I had gone back to work at least part-time earlier but that would’ve been very difficult with DH’s role.

DH and I have agreed that we will trial his proposed ‘duties’ system for a week so we will see how it goes.

I can’t believe you’ve agreed to that.

bcngran · 03/06/2023 18:49

So what happens if the chores/tasks are not all completed in the time period set, or not completed to a satisfactory standard then? Do you get your P45? or a fine? or what.... maybe he will just be so very, very disappointed....

glowfrog · 03/06/2023 18:49

I cannot believe you're giving this nonsense a go, OP. Your contribution to the household is literally unpaid as it is - how dare your DH tell you what you're supposed to do? He's treating you like you OWE him.

Anyway - your relationship, so you're free to do as you wish. But I'm astounded that you don't seem to see anything unreasonable here, in spite of everyone on this thread telling you how ridiculous it is. Good luck - and I mean that.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 03/06/2023 18:51

SummerDuck · 03/06/2023 18:14

It’s probably worth saying that I was also a City lawyer before I had the DC (which is how I met DH. It would be very difficult for me to go back to that after 15 years, so I’d probably be looking at retraining in something else.

Frankly I’m a bit stuck and wish I had gone back to work at least part-time earlier but that would’ve been very difficult with DH’s role.

DH and I have agreed that we will trial his proposed ‘duties’ system for a week so we will see how it goes.

I posted that cartoon before seeing your latest post, @SummerDuck. In the not so immortal words of John McEnroe - you cannot be serious! Were you still working in an office with him, as an equal colleague, would you allow him to micromanage you in the same way? Surely not? So why accept it in this situation?

Mumofnarnia · 03/06/2023 18:53

SummerDuck · 03/06/2023 18:14

It’s probably worth saying that I was also a City lawyer before I had the DC (which is how I met DH. It would be very difficult for me to go back to that after 15 years, so I’d probably be looking at retraining in something else.

Frankly I’m a bit stuck and wish I had gone back to work at least part-time earlier but that would’ve been very difficult with DH’s role.

DH and I have agreed that we will trial his proposed ‘duties’ system for a week so we will see how it goes.

Oh dear! Why do I bother! 🤦‍♀️

Why come on here asking for advice if you are going to ignore the advice that everyone has given (which is good advice btw from people who have been in your situation)! It’s downhill from there unfortunately! I’m sure you will be back in a few years time complaining that your OH controls practically all of your life and you need a way out!

sandyhappypeople · 03/06/2023 18:54

Blessed be the fruit..

Mirabai · 03/06/2023 18:57

SummerDuck · 03/06/2023 18:14

It’s probably worth saying that I was also a City lawyer before I had the DC (which is how I met DH. It would be very difficult for me to go back to that after 15 years, so I’d probably be looking at retraining in something else.

Frankly I’m a bit stuck and wish I had gone back to work at least part-time earlier but that would’ve been very difficult with DH’s role.

DH and I have agreed that we will trial his proposed ‘duties’ system for a week so we will see how it goes.

A former city lawyer and you’ve not told him where to stuff his “duties”?

Outofthepark · 03/06/2023 18:58

God what is wrong with you all? If he's the type of man to go on about lists and all that shit, he's the kind of man to be overbearing and shitty enough to make her life hell if she doesn't do it. That's likely why she agreed.

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