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Original poster

SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

974 replies

SummerDuck · 02/06/2023 19:43

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

OP posts:
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6
Mirabai · 03/06/2023 15:58

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 14:49

@Mirabai

I havent said they should be treated like an employee so that's a total strawman

I've said they can't charge for a service they don't provide

🤷‍♀️

It’s not a strawman it’s the point of the thread - DH has said he intends to treat his wife as an employee.

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 15:59

@Mirabai

Another strawman

No one said they were

I said the ops oh is. Because he is. As part of being a parent

Mirabai · 03/06/2023 16:00

randomfriends · 03/06/2023 14:59

Seems to me that you can't grasp anyone disagreeing with you.

I can't remember what your point was because you're all over the place.

Show quote history

I don’t think she can remember her point either.

Mirabai · 03/06/2023 16:05

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 15:59

@Mirabai

Another strawman

No one said they were

I said the ops oh is. Because he is. As part of being a parent

And, slowly, some parents are financial providers, some are not. Many men do not pay child support for their kids.

thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 03/06/2023 16:05

I have nothing other than fuck off as an answer to his demands.

worldstillturns · 03/06/2023 16:08

Just in case anyone hasn't been on MN long, I must warn you that this poster comes is on every thread about SAHMs with an agenda that only exists in her own head. Please don't get drawn into this particular MN madness. It's been going on for years.

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 16:09

@Mirabai

Yes I can. No need to be rude because I won't agree with you lol

And, slowly, some parents are financial providers, some are not. Many men do not pay child support for their kids.

And again, slowly, how is that in anyway relevant to what I said, specifically about the ops oh who actually is sole financial provider?

longtompot · 03/06/2023 16:10

It's not so much the giving of a list, it's the he will check it's been done when he gets home!

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 16:11

@Mirabai

It’s not a strawman it’s the point of the thread - DH has said he intends to treat his wife as an employee.

But I didnt say that, so yeah. You're asking me to argue against a point I never made, which is a strawman

chopc · 03/06/2023 16:20

@SummerDuck hmm no they don't do that. But there would be a reason. As you are the SAHM I presume you have then taken over the bill of responsibility for the household chores. However it is difficult to get things done with a three year old but not impossible.
If I were you I would sit down with him, list all the chores and then come up with what can realistically be expected from you on a given day

2bazookas · 03/06/2023 16:38

Some SAHP's post here that they just can't cope with the cooking, children, housework, etc. It's full time chaos.

Are you like that|? struggling to keep up with the complex tasks of running a home?

If you are, then perhaps his suggestions are well-intentioned, trying to help you organise your day, basic time-management skills.

Mirabai · 03/06/2023 16:38

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 16:09

@Mirabai

Yes I can. No need to be rude because I won't agree with you lol

And, slowly, some parents are financial providers, some are not. Many men do not pay child support for their kids.

And again, slowly, how is that in anyway relevant to what I said, specifically about the ops oh who actually is sole financial provider?

Even slower - the discussion was of parental activities vs activities that can be outsourced/replaced. DH is currently sold financial provider, but if he continues like this he will end up divorced again and OP will take over at leat 50% financial provision for her child.

Mirabai · 03/06/2023 16:45

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 16:11

@Mirabai

It’s not a strawman it’s the point of the thread - DH has said he intends to treat his wife as an employee.

But I didnt say that, so yeah. You're asking me to argue against a point I never made, which is a strawman

No-one cares what you said. And no-one is asking you to argue anything. The topic of the thread cannot be a strawman.

randomfriends · 03/06/2023 16:59

Presumably he would be doing the job and earning the money regardless of wife and kids though right?

I mean, before I met my OH he was working and paying for a house and a car etc for himself. But if your point is that she'd be parenting regardless, then surely you can't not take into account that he'd be earning regardless? And since he's a man he'd most likely still be in the same role, earning the same money, which in all likelihood in OP's DH's case is far more than is essential to simply put a roof over their heads and food on the table. If he is indeed financially responsible, he shouldn't have too many worries.

So while for some, the financial responsibility is indeed a lot to bare, more than likely the only burden this man is carrying is the weight of his own ego.

So , in conclusion, he and his lists can fuck right off.

randomfriends · 03/06/2023 17:01

Mirabai · 03/06/2023 16:45

No-one cares what you said. And no-one is asking you to argue anything. The topic of the thread cannot be a strawman.

Show quote history

Arguing about arguing? Are you in politics @ToK1 ? 😂

Lolapusht · 03/06/2023 17:02

So he’s sat around at work (maybe in a partners’ meeting, who knows?!) and complained that you don’t do enough housework? He’s colleagues have then said they all do lists and that’s what he should do as you’re obviously failing at womanning. If he’s a partner at a City Firm, you’d think he’d be a bit more intelligent.

I am a SAHM. We have had an argument as my DH didn’t like coming into the kitchen during the day and seeing something on top of the dishwasher (if I’m on my way to do something else I put it on the surface until I’ve done the thing then come back to it later. Shoot me!). I had a moment where I thought “Well, he’s got a point…” then I realised that I’d be inconveniencing myself in order to keep him happy on the off-chance he was WFH and came into the kitchen and saw a dirty cup. I felt really weird about it and realised it was because I wasn’t comfortable with being treated like the hired help instead of an equal.

He goes to work and I do 99% of childcare and housework. The reason I don’t go back to work is because when I have, I still do 99% of the work. He will still occasionally complain if there is untidiness, but I just suggest he sorts it out himself if he’s not happy (he does leave housework stuff at the weekend so it becomes a Me Job which drives me mad).

How much childcare/housework does he currently do? What hours is he working during the week? I’m guessing you’ve got quite a nice lifestyle which you manage and facilitate because there is no sensible paying job out there that you could fit in around his hours and school hours. He has his job because you have sacrificed yours. Do you think you need a routine? Are his comments reasonable? He doesn’t have to work all the hours he does. He could easily downsize, get a lower paid job which would free up his time to concentrate on the house and help with childcare. He could go PT to enable you to have a turn at having a career. If he’s not willing to do that then he has to accept things as they currently are 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bartonzam · 03/06/2023 17:38

Tell him to fuck right off op and stuff his routines up his pompous arse

Ap42 · 03/06/2023 17:42

Sounds very controlling. I would be telling him to go fuck himself!

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/06/2023 17:52

randomfriends · 03/06/2023 16:59

Presumably he would be doing the job and earning the money regardless of wife and kids though right?

I mean, before I met my OH he was working and paying for a house and a car etc for himself. But if your point is that she'd be parenting regardless, then surely you can't not take into account that he'd be earning regardless? And since he's a man he'd most likely still be in the same role, earning the same money, which in all likelihood in OP's DH's case is far more than is essential to simply put a roof over their heads and food on the table. If he is indeed financially responsible, he shouldn't have too many worries.

So while for some, the financial responsibility is indeed a lot to bare, more than likely the only burden this man is carrying is the weight of his own ego.

So , in conclusion, he and his lists can fuck right off.

He'd be earning regardless but there's a big difference between only being financially responsible for yourself and solely providing everything financially for 4 other people.

Even with a higher income, it can be stressful. If you make a mistake etc it can all be gone just like that and then your family has no income.

I agree that if this is true, he is probably an arsehole but we don't have a lot to go on and I just disagree with minimising just how much weight on your shoulders it can be having all of the financial responsibility when it comes to earning.

boymama82 · 03/06/2023 17:54

He's hilarious, laugh.

SuperBlondie28 · 03/06/2023 18:01

OP, will DH be paying you the national minimum wage for your 'duties'? I'd be asking for £20 per hour at least 🤔 tell him to F off otherwise!!!

Saucymushroom · 03/06/2023 18:05

Well he can feck right off, cheeky sod!

BashfulClam · 03/06/2023 18:10

My first duty would be neatly folding his clothes into suitcases…

Achwheesht · 03/06/2023 18:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
SummerDuck · 03/06/2023 18:14

It’s probably worth saying that I was also a City lawyer before I had the DC (which is how I met DH. It would be very difficult for me to go back to that after 15 years, so I’d probably be looking at retraining in something else.

Frankly I’m a bit stuck and wish I had gone back to work at least part-time earlier but that would’ve been very difficult with DH’s role.

DH and I have agreed that we will trial his proposed ‘duties’ system for a week so we will see how it goes.

OP posts: