SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

@Goldbar

Ah yes.

But its the contracting out bit that has the value.

Not the parenting

Caring for your own child us not contracting it out. Its Parenting

And who would be willing to work under those terms? All the down sides of a job without any pay or rights.

If OP is not there he will have to pay someone for the work or sacrifice his career to to do it himself - which will equally cost him financially.

But here the husband doesn't care for his own children on a day-to-day basis, does he? He contracts it out to his wife.

Is he not a parent then? Because he doesn't care for his own child?

@Mirabai

Sahms apparently

SAHMs aren’t working under those terms. They don’t have “routines” and “duties” and “checks” carried out by their spouse.

@Goldbar

What's that phrase sahm love?

You're not actively parenting your child while working?

Of course he's still a parent

He's entirely responsible for their financial welfare

Or does that not count?

Presumably he also does some parenting outside of work hours but if not then that's the ops issue

@Mirabai

Cause they're not employees providing a service lol

Most people aren't 'actively parenting' their children while out at work, no, because it's quite difficult to be in two places at one time 🙄.

He’s their financial provider, but that could equally be done by a guardian or a trust fund.

@Goldbar

Why you rolling your eyes? It was your daft question

@Mirabai

More whataboutery

Except it's not irrelevant - it's the whole damn point!

The primary function of being a SAHP IS childcare. No one is going to prison if if the dishes, or the laundry aren't done.

Parents have a legal responsibility to ensure a 3 year-old is appropriately cared for, outsourcing childcare is still parenting. Just like it is the legal responsibility of parents to provide their child with an appropriate education - most chose to outsource it to a school, but legally it is the parent's responsibility to ensure their child is educated.

Your husband is lying about what the other partners in his firm do, not least because some of them will be women unless they want to risk spending all their time in Employment Tribunals dealing with sex discrimination claims. Do you ever socialise with them or their partners? It would be fascinating to ask them for their version of this story.

I'm a lawyer married to a lawyer. Even when I was at home when our children were babies my husband never once contemplated handing me chore lists, not least because he knows what sort of response he would have got. I can safely say that none of the lawyers I work with, male or female, would dream of asking their partners to agree to anything so ridiculous.

No, so don’t try to treat them like one.

Either a. You treat someone as an employee, you give them pay and rights
b. If someone not your employee, you don’t try to treat them as one

You are a stay at home mum for your dd
But the oldest 2 go to school full time 😊

So you are home allone all day. With only 1 kid. And1 day a week you put her in daycare...

So i am sorry but i can see where your dh is coming from. Although he may have phrased it quite poorly though!

It’s not whataboutery to state the financial provider does not have to be the father.

@randomfriends

But it is irrelevant

Because as you've just said the whole point of a sahp is to provide childcare

So they're not contracting it out, are they

Well, except the op who contracts out 2 of her kids to FTE and the 3rd to nursery once a week

You only have to spend 5 minutes perusing Mumsnet to find several incidences of father's disappearing without a trace or otherwise managing to avoid providing financially for their children.

@Mirabai

It is when the sole financial provider is the father

It's just another attempt to diminish the role and importance of wp

It's a bit odd

Ok so this is a bit of a silly idea but go down to his level. Show him you are an intelligent adult too... Send him an invitation to a life planning meeting. In his diary. Set it up like a business meeting with an agenda. You negotiate who does what from a list of all house and family related tasks, until you are both happy with who does what. Then you both, like adults, get on with your tasks at times and days that suit you. Check in on Sunday nights with chance to both critique the other.

Ugh. My fanny dried up reading that so I dread to think how you feel.

@Mirabai

I havent said they should be treated like an employee so that's a total strawman

I've said they can't charge for a service they don't provide

🤷‍♀️

Nobody is diminishing it, nobody needs to. This is about SAHPs not being treated like indentured servants.

Tell him to shove his list up his arse. Right back at him. If he is home at 6pm have a list of all the stuff that you do between him coming home to leaving the next morning. Include every single thing and split it down the middle with a micromanaged list for him to complete. See how he likes that. Being a sahm is a relentless 24/7 job and he needs to see that.

@randomfriends

Yes they are

They're saying being responsible for financial welfare isn't part of parenting or important. Anyone can do it.

Sorry, what was your point, because you seem to have lost track of it...