SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

I highly doubt his colleagues do that. You’re his wife not his employee.
If they have time to go around, know what needs to be done, they’d be doing those things regularly and I highly doubt this is the case.

Why do we have to acknowledge this on the OP's thread that is completely irrelevant to the OP. Sick to death of these posts about the poor men and how we treat them unfairly. This would not happen on a predominantly male forum but for some reason every time there's a thread about a wanker male we have someone saying that we'd expect a woman to be praised for the same behaviour.

Funnily enough they never produce a link to said thread because my theory is that the context is completely different, if it's even true.

Anyway OP, just don't put up with that shit. Also controlling men always say that everyone else they know behaves in the same fucking unreasonably way does the same thing. It's just a way of shutting down discussion and making you feel you're being unreasonable. But remember it's like a teenage thing (all my friends are allowed to drink/smoke/take drugs/stay out all night) etc and should be treated in the same dismissive way as you would to a teen.

He's an ass but if your youngest child is three, and you don't work, the house should be well-run. There is really no excuse.

And would all of those jobs be performed to professional level?

And would the costs of her dwelling, food, heating, electric, tech, gadgets, wi-fi, telly license, transportation, vehicle, clothing, sundries, entertainment, leisure, old age savings, holidays, etc be deducted from those imputed wages?

Fully supporting a dependent SAHP and offspring is no walk in the park.

Ha ha ha is it 1955?

This has to be a joke. Or it’s just that your husband is a total insert any/all expletive(s)

That would draw a huge "get to fuck" from me.

Resist as much as possible and tell him he is unrealistic. You can’t mow the lawn and look after a child.

As if all the men he works with give lists to their wives of what to do 😂that's a blatant lie.

Has he ever used that kind of tactic before OP? Telling you other people do X or everyone else does X?

No way would I particpate in this, he'd be told to stick his 'chores' and 'routines,' where the sun don't shine, and then shown the front door!

This is not ok. I don’t care if his colleagues are doing this (highly unlikely).

my husband once complained I wasn’t doing enough as a Sahp. I wrote down everything I’d done that day and shoved it in his work bag (ideally would have been elsewhere…). I was FURIOUS as you should be. I haven’t yet forgiven him really, about 6 years on. I hold a massive grudge for how self-absorbed, ignorant and ungrateful he was.

What a prick.

Put the child in nursery and return to work immediately.

Ok. No. He is insane. No one does this. You’re the one who decides what your schedule and tasks are, not him.

He says he is going to “check” each day that you’ve done your “tasks”. Uh, no.

He says every guy he works with does this with their wives. He is surely lying.

He sounds like an evil villain from a cheesy lifetime movie.

I don’t think his behavior bodes well for your marriage.

DH is a partner in financial regulation at a city firm and says all of the partners at his firm give their wives chore lists.

Only men and lesbians/bisexual women ever make partner at this firm? Sounds discriminatory.

Is this man trying to get shanked?
tell him to go and live with his collesgues’ wives if they’re so desperate to serve.

This.

He’s no right to speak to you like this and he’s full of shit telling you that everyone else at his firm does it. However, being a partner in a city firm is extremely stressful.

I think this is your sign that after 15 years, and with your youngest approaching school age, resentment has set in, and you should try to talk to him about it.

This surely cannot be real?

Yes I would expect that the SAHP does the majority of these things...but a roster like this, and him checking on your work? No way. It's not right. But I think you know this OP.

Hahahahahahahaaaaaa

F*ck that.

Tell him to go and live with one of the partners then.

I don’t think the posts are advising OP to tell him to fuck off are a brilliant idea because it won’t be ideal for her if he does. I think she’d be better off trying to talk to him to find out whether resentment is driving this and how they can address that together.

Really? I would shut these conversations down immediately and not give them any headspace at all.

If he doesn't value her contributions to the family, then yes... he can f*ck right off.

This reminds me of someone I knew when my DC were little. Her DH would write her a list of jobs to do before he left for work each day . She thought it was totally acceptable/normal while she was washing her skirting boards etc !

I think fuck off is the appropriate response to this bullshit.

If he is going to literally leave over this, he's not really a great partner.