SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

Is he generally controlling in the family?

I’m another who would look beyond the request - which is bonkers by the way - to see what’s behind it.

Is he exhausted/depressed/burned out and perhaps need a different, peaceful life sharing work duties more evenly? Is he resentful you’ve been a SAHM while he does a job he hates?

Is there something more sinister here and he’s starting to have his head turned outside the home? Sadly the script seems to often include pushing a previously happy parent-at-home situation into work again, possibly to see off more financial contribution.

With a 3 year old your day is busy already which surely he must know..

Only you will have a sense whether this is him being a fool or something else. I’d look into all scenarios here too.

Agree.

I agree.
There's a lot of bravado and tough talk by proxy on here from people who for their own reasons won't acknowledge just how vulnerable the OP and most adult dependents actually are.
If the OP wishes to continue not to work, she has only two options, him, or benefits. With the latter coming with a reduced living standard, pressure to find work and hoops to jump through.
No one can insist another person financially provides for them. It has to be a mutually negotiated agreement with which both parties are happy. Clearly the OPs husband is no longer happy, and has also revealed a side to his character that most would struggle to get past, leaving the OP in something of a mess.
Her options really come down to comply, negotiate or start self funding.

Sounds like he is either a) angling for you to get back to work or b) feels the housekeeping is not up to his 'standards'.

So when is he getting you a full time nanny to look after your child while you do all this stuff?

And what would he do if you hadn’t completed your allotted tasks?

What a controlling prick.

If I were you I'd get a paid job, then share the household tasks with him.

I’d love OP to smile and thank him for his suggestion and ask that he draw up said schedule just so she could share it then she could laminate it and shove it up his a* sideways ….

Tell him that's fine. And present him each day with a detailed invoice.

And is he paying into a pension for you. If not, tell him you'd like this arranged within four weeks.

Tell him to do one. This needs shutting down now OP seriously, how fucking offensive. You're not his child or employee. Bloody hell.

Tell your DH he's been the victim of an office joke. Unless his colleagues are divorced maybe? While you're at it set him some career and commute targets and make a good husband PDP with supervision meetings and performance management if required. Draft a don't be a dick to your SAHM policy and send to him for comments and signature xxx

I'd tell him one of his main duties from now on will be to go fuck himself seven days a week.

Agree with this…. What has changed?

It sounds quite controlling, particularly the checking at the end of the day. That’s a really unhealthy dynamic, marriage should be loving teamwork, not pressure and performance reviews.

assuming this is real (and assuming you haven’t missed out a massive details such as you having a shopping addiction or sit on the sofa all day eating chocolate or playing online bingo), what does he think you already do all day? There’s plenty to do to keep a household ticking over for a family of 5 and it just isn’t feasible to do big cleaning and maintenance jobs while also responsible for a 3 year old, especially if they don’t nap any more. There are just some jobs involving garden tools or cleaning chemicals that I would not be comfortable to do with an unsupervised child roaming around in the background.

There were times I did manage to blitz the whole house in a day or clean all the windows etc while ours were little, but then I’d realise that the only way of doing this was with excessive screen time or preparing convenience food for dinner - presumably he expects you to interact with your child, take him/her out for fresh air during the day, feed your kids fresh and healthy food. You wouldn’t want to be neglecting their daily needs to meet an unrealistic household standard and I assume he wouldn’t want this either.

the other thought I had was whether he doesn’t like you going out to meet friends/toddler groups etc and is seeking to isolate you at home by giving you a massive list of jobs to do? The saying all his colleagues do the same sounds a bit gaslighty to me. I would be concerned OP.

A daily chores list followed by inspections is weird.

A list of jobs that need doing weekly and divided up isn't.

But those jobs need to be daily tasks, weekly tasks and monthly tasks.

And as a SAHP most of the household tasks will fall to you because you're home to do them.

Even things like preparing a family dinner can be split and there's no reason your 2 eldest (with middle helping eldest) cannot take on responsibility for cooking an evening or 2.

Also be responsible for emptying bins etc and doing some garden work, hoovering.

Weekends everyone pulls their weight. If washing needs hanging out you have 3 people capable of doing it.
4 capable of loading a dishwasher or hoovering.

I'd have a family meeting this weekend and iron it all out.

And make sure that if the inspection idea is still floated you ensure them that you'll be inspecting their inputs too and the reward will be continued housework of their mess. If they don't do it properly you'll give them more practice

Your Dh seems to be mistaking your for an employee or supplier. I am surprised he's not handed you a SLA (KPIs included!).

This would absolutely not work for me, and I would be finding a job outside the home. He could then hire a cleaner and discuss KPIs with him/ her.

The only exception to this is if you aren't doing much at home at all. Like others have said, a list is normally given as a suggestion here. And it's fair to expect the person being financially subsidised to stay at home to do more of the "home" workload.

Why is your 3yo not in preschool?

Whilst the manner and execution are less than ideal - I think he is telling you, he is feeling the pressure and needs more from you. When you had a 12,6 and new babe then he understood how difficult that was.
However, now with an independent 15yr old, 9 yr old and 3 yr old he does not. I know some SAHM who literally up sticks go tot he gym, see friends etc the minute the DP comes through the door - saying this is their me time. I see some fairly exhausted colleagues over the years with these type of SAHM parents - who would rather come in sick than stay at home because everything will be left to them.

If he is picking up gardening, diy and helping with the DCS etc - then he is not being unresonable in expecting things to be done but a tiemtable and list of duties - no way.

COI : single mum who has done it all -so sometimes does not understand why SAHM with school age children struggle as such as some say. Before anyone says it, yes I did use a nursery so someone else looked after my DC - but once you pick them up, they want your attention full on and quite rightly but you still have the cooking, cleaning, playing etc to do aswell.

You never answered the questions about whether you planned to go back to work ! Was this suggested as you plan not to go back to work ? Wouldn't surprise me that his work mates give their wives chore lists ! If you already do everything anyway just tell him fine but what days you do it on !

Seriously, for what? The OP is picking up a day and a half of his half of the childcare responsibility (he already pays for one day at nursery) and doing the same domestic chores she would be doing anyway were he not in the picture. For this she already receives a (no doubt comfortable) home and lifestyle and all the trappings that come with his income level without the need to achieve and maintain the type of career that funds it herself.
By all means criticise his high handed and disrespectful attitude, but to suggest he owes her financially for the full professional cost of tasks she is half responsible for anyway is a stretch too far and weakens her position by making her sound unreasonable.

So, half of all the chores are HER responsibility anyway, but HIS income is at his discretion? Patriarchy and misogyny in all its non-glory.
If half of all the chores are hers anyway, then half of all the money he makes is hers. See, THAT is what a marriage is. Not a what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine. But, I bet her NVDH doesn't see it that way.
If he is allowed to give her a "chore and duty list" that will be inspected, then she has the right to see a detailed statement of the hours he has billed that day. And it better be a lot of hours, no socializing/long lunches/water cooler visits. Good for the goose, good for the gander.

Abuser in training

Fuck that!

I find this very odd. I'm assuming the OP's husband is a high earner and relatively well educated because most partners in city law firms fit this mould.

Most people I've come across like this (and indeed lots of people who earn a lot less, but then I guess that's not the subject of the OP's post) invest heavily in their children's education and enrichment. They pay for good nannies, good quality childcare, clubs and toddler groups etc. And if there is a SAHP, the primary focus of the SAHP is on enriching and educating the child although they'll do what's necessary to keep the house running alongside this, often to a fairly basic level since looking after a child is time-consuming and messy. That's why many people employ cleaners as well. For instance, you'd never ask your nanny to deep-clean your house and tidy the garden while looking after your DC as their focus should be the DC.

When I was working part-time after DC1, my DC did nursery 2 days a week and then swimming, gym class and usually some combination of days out, soft play, long walks/playground/splash park if good weather, cafe trips and shopping, library visits, toddler group, music and phonics class etc. I'd do a bit at home, but not much and really bare minimum stuff. DH never questioned this, but what he definitely would have questioned and been a bit iffy about would have been DC1 sat in front of the TV or ignored all day for 3 days a week so I could clean the house. Despite often being stuck at work until late, DH has always been very keen to hear what DC1 (and now DC2 as well) have been up to and to see photos of the DC having fun. That takes priority over chores and the state of the house for us, so long as it is not actually uninhabitable.

OP--good luck finding nannies, housekeepers, chauffeurs and cooks for your half of the week when it's all your responsibility. In fact, if you aren't going to pay the mortgage, then I will get a job and you can pay for all of it.
Check mate TW.