SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

Yeah, fuck that.

I’d agree that a SAHP should take on the main share of the routine household tasks, but - particularly when there’s preschool DC around - the main priority should be the childcare.

Setting a list of duties and inspecting output is ridiculously controlling.

When he gave you the task list, did he issue KPIs do you know you are reaching required standards?

Seriously, I would explain that if he doesn't pull his head from his backside, that when you divorce he will be doing half those jobs himself, plus sharing childcare 50/50...

LTB. He wants a new younger model, for whom he will purchase the necessary home assistance whilst she gets her nails done. He may even have someone already lined up. Take him to the cleaners for the house, maintenance and pension.

I would get a weekend job and leave dh with kids and a chore list!

What a duck head

Not normal. He might be a bit jealous.

Wife of a city lawyer here. Your DH is talking utter shite.

This has to be a wind-up.

To which the answer is always "if their work is so easy, why not have a go yourself?"

Who's billable hours will DH be using, to write up your chores list ?

I can't help thinking your husband isn't working to capacity if he has time to do this.

After 15 years of looking after 2 children with varying degrees of needs, I am completely burnt out. I am still looking after one of them to a large degree, but in terms of pure logic, I could start work again, outside the home at least 2 days a week, if not 3. But I can't. DC has very random needs, but more importantly, I am screwed. Physically, everything has started to go wrong, and mentally I'm a shell of what I once was.

DH has said I should go back to work if I think it would help (he knows I find work a doddle by comparison), but otherwise, is completely fine with me taking my time to see how the future plays out.

Early on, he made some remarks about wanting to be the one at home (although our once equal earning powers had already diverged dramatically), and so I took him through the logical steps of explaining what that would involve. He realised that actually he'd rather be the breadwinner, and that hasn't changed in 12 years.

I see this over and over again, men get to a stage where they're successful, start to believe they're somehow a little more special, and little more important, and start to resent their sahw.

Not because they're lazy, but because suddenly the job has become less essential, and they forget that just 18 months earlier they literally couldn't function without their input.

Yes, he could farm out childcare, even cooking, definitely cleaning and "concierge services".

But does he care about what he is losing in terms of a partner, and the mother of children? Have they got to a point where their marriage is purely transactional?

I think after raising 3 children to this point, in my experience, there is every reason to have a few months of slightly less constant responsibility. But at some point, for her own self worth (and frankly, with this twat, essential) I'd suggest starting some studying, upskilling, retraining.

Then, once the youngest is at school, you can find a job, and start paying for wrap around care, cleaners, gardeners, etc etc.

Let DH know the costs involved, and that they will be coming from your joint account.

Also, let him know that, as he is earning 5x? 10x? your new salary, you will be contributing pro rata, 10% or whatever of your salary to joint expenses, and the rest will be going into your pension.

Good luck.

The OP has never said she doesn't respect and value her husband's contributions so why are we even talking about the fact that respect goes both ways???

He is out of his tiny mind.

He wouldn’t do that with an associate at work, why on earth does he think that’s appropriate for his wife?

Laugh in his face and tell him to piss off.

no, not ok. He is not the master of the house.
it also reminds me of the plot of a film/ book or two about domestic abuse.
go back to work and give him a list of half his share

I suggest he gets you some paid help then

The OP has said she’s already doing most of the cooking, cleaning and household admin. In any case, if other things aren’t getting done, asking for a discussion about a split of duties, making lists with each other etc. is quite a different approach. It doesn’t mean one spouse gets to treat the other like a failing employee not meeting kpis, and disrespectfully at that.

And Wednesday would be the day for putting your hubby's stuff in black bags and chasing him off down the road a chunk!

Well with only a 3 year old at home now you are not exactly hard pushed are you?! I don't think your husband has put this over very well but, for instance, with 5 kids 10 and under I used to go out and mow the lawn so it did not have to be done by husband at weekend.

@doubledeckerfondue the op wouldn't be eligible for 30 hours as she's a SAHP. In order to be eligible for 30 hours, both parents need to be working (or on maternity leave).

Absolute bollocks. I was big 4 with lots of lawyer friends so know plenty of partners in both and the men’s wives and staff would shred them to fine strips if they suggested this to their wife. I wouldn’t even let my partners at work get away with saying they were babysitting their kids without calling them out on it. There is zero % chance this is true. Ask him for the wives numbers, say you’d like to compare to do lists. Watch him flinch. Asshole.

What salary is he offering?

WTF.
I'd be finding out exactly how much the local going rate is for
Gardener
Cook
Cleaner
Nanny
Chauffeur
Dog walker if applicable
etc then send him invoices for each job until he realises he is being a CF.

Alternatively draw up a detailed timetable for HIS evenings and weekends where every task HE needs to do is set out.

Objectives, key performance indicators, standards, review dates etc.

Get a clipboard and some glasses to peer over and a sensible blouse and put your hair in a bun and - hang on, no, he might enjoy that.

He is seeing you as a subordinate colleague!
( note that your boss shouldn't be sleeping with you or anyone else he rules!)

If he insists on the list then go a step further and give him all your independence and all responsibility for a while.

Phone him constantly for directions. Send helpless messages all day long ... and complete absolutely nothing without his constant detailed instructions 🤣😂

Making a sandwich could take all day!

All I can manage after picking my jaw up off the floor is, Are you fecking kidding me?

OP, I cannot believe you haven't replied same.

Both me and my partner have been SAHP at some point and his expectations of what I should do around the house didn’t meet his standards when it came to him being the SAHP while I didn’t do as many hours as him my job is extremely exhausting, while I was a SAHP I would clean the over, dust the skirting boards, clean the blinds, organise the wardrobes even redecorate. While he on the other hand started of a little enthusiastic by this I mean hoovering what you could see and maybe mopping and his version of making the beds (folding the duvet in half coz he couldn’t be arsed making the kids bunk beds) he would then spend the afternoon in the pub with his parents or brother as all our children was in school child duties was still left to me and he would make the tea (order a takeaway) he would then moan about the house. As I wouldn’t go into detail cleaning up like I did when I didn’t have a job. My reply was if it pisses you of that much you do it. I set high standards when I didn’t work of cleaning the house so he still expects it now. I never done it to please him just coz I wanted to. He is self employed now and still does SFA around the house so if he ever tries to moan about anything I remind him he is more then capable of doing it himself and I will get to it when it bothers me. Other then that he’s to hold his tongue. I did expect certain duties to be carried out by him when he was at home but he never done them. Your daughter is still young and being a mum to children is hard. Don’t let anyone put pressure on you. I do think if your at home there are main daily tasks to carry out but it should also be a team effort but pay no attention to me I am still here working looking after kids and maintaining a house while my partner still doesn’t know what draw his underwear is in