SAHM- DH wanting to give me ‘routines’ and ‘duties’

[SummerDuck]

So I’m a SAHM with DS1 (15), DS2 (9) and DD (3). DH works full time. He has recently started moaning about how I’m not doing enough around the house.

DD is at home full time other than being at nursery one day a week. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and general household admin. However, DH has said there is no not enough ‘output’. He therefore wants to introduce ‘routines’ and ‘duties’ whereby he will set out what needs to be done on a particular day and carry out checks upon returning from work.

So Monday will be garden day for example and the lawn will need to be mowed and leaves sweeped. Tuesday will be bathroom cleaning day and so on.

Is this level of micromanagement normal for SAHPs and should I just be grateful?

If you want respect it needs to go both ways

No evidence at all that the OP doesn't respect the contribution her husband makes. She never said that. Some posters said it but that doesn't mean she did.

So we are left with a man talking to his wife as if she is the new housemaid. Very little respect there. Maybe ask her if she respects his financial contribution to the home and has set some targets for him to work towards in that regard - which would be the equivalent.

If resentment is starting to build that you're staying home and getting what is perceived as an easier life on the back of his work, then the time for staying at home is probably over. It's either a shared investment in the child/family with everyone seeing it as valuable, or it's not. In which case, go back to work and pay for the full time childcare/cleaner/etc.

But the lack of interest in your consent and equality, and feeling entitled to take this un negotiated authority over you is a bit weird.

Seemingly is the key word here. I don't care if 500 women do "tasks" and "chores" and don't mind having them inspected daily, it is still daft and stupid.

Like I said earlier, I think you should "expect" more from NVDH at work. Double the amount he brings home right now sounds good and tell him you'll be expecting to inspect those financial reports/billable hours daily.
Or, tell him to sod off, go get a job of your own and he can see what you do every day when it doesn't get done at all. He can just "hire help".

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Again...Here is your medal. Wear it well. 🙄😴

It's essential for his family and also the lifestyle that comes with it which I'm sure both enjoy and benefit from.

OP wouldn't be able to be a SAHP without her husband providing financially.

A live in nanny would take care of most of that which he would be able to afford.

@Pallisers

Except your comment was about what other posters had said. As was mine

Not the op

Then he could pay for the nanny to do the essential work of childrearing, freeing his wife up to do the gardening or whatever else it was he's demanding she does for him.

Things I'm curious about.

Are tasks being left undone at home, and are they essential or just desirable?

Do you have independent access to money, or do you have to ask DH?

Could you see, and pay for, a solicitor and a therapist, without DH knowing?Both would be a good idea.

I don't want to be insensitive if there were fertility issues, but your DC are unusually spaced, with a new baby arriving after each youngest went off to primary school. I wonder if pregnancy was used as a form of control by one or other of you? DH to keep you in the home with a young child. Or you to stay in the home, rather than re-enter the workplace.

PERFECT! THIS!⬆
She also gets to check his billable hours every single day to make sure he isn't slacking off and not getting a FULL day of them. Meeting with/visiting with /lunching with co-workers is NOT getting the job done there NVDH. Hop to it! Minimum of 8-10 hours/day seems fair.

Hahahaha

OP has barely said anything. How do you know that he demanded it? Maybe it was just a suggestion.

How patronising!

This situations sounds very creepy. Like some kind of horror movie where the women have become robots and been taken over by the men.

Do all his colleagues wives have children? There’s a big difference between someone looking after three children with one three year old and three teens.

I would warn him that you’ll go on strike if he continues his silly behaviour. You’re not an employee and presently pull your weight, looking after all three.

@Fizzytea

Why is earning money to support a family not essential?

If he's a partner in financial services in a law firm he can afford to pay a cleaner and a gardener.

Then he can give them tasks and check on them.

He is making your relationship transactional. If I were you, I wouldn't accept it.

All of this!

Go back to work FT,get a nanny & cleaner and split costs proportionate to salary
He can give the nanny & cleaner the list

So your husband is essentially saying you are lazy. Hmm, he sounds nice.

Oh, I mentioned it much later than everyone else. If she is to think the OP needs to be perfect, then she also needs to be perfect. No excuses/reasons/victimizing yourself. She made judgements about the OP without knowing ANY details or any difficulties she may have. So, she gets judged in turn.
She dished it out but then called whine-one-one and begged for a wwaaahhhh-bulance when it was dished right back.

I would shove a feather duster & a mop up his arse sideways & a pair of marigolds down his throat before I would agree to his demands. I would also go on strike & not do any of your domestic duties, just look after dc & yourself for a couple of weeks, feed them & you & only shop for you & them, not him. Then he may start to realise exactly how much you do & also send him a price list of what it would cost for him to buy in the relevant services. Make sure you have all had your evening meal before he comes home & be sat on the sofa with your feet up & don't move, he can get his own meal after he had shopped for ingredients.

My husband frequently says “ I have a project for you ..” then hands me sewing / sends me emails that need to be forwarded or gives me a job ( descale the kettle etc ) needless to say l rarely comply along the lines of “ what did your last slave die of ! “ but he still tries….why do they treat us like enployees ?

*employees

I've had three-year-olds. They suck ALL the day away.

Please, please tell your DH to fuck off to far off fuckland and then stay there until he's fucking quiet.

@MrsLighthouse

Because they think you are an employee?